𝚂𝚝𝚊𝚢 | 𝚈𝚞𝚔𝚒 𝚂𝚘𝚑𝚖𝚊

•7•

❝𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐘❞

The dinner was awkward the day before. The cold atmosphere made me lose my appetite although the beautiful food lay before me. The savoury smell of the curry and the warmth of the freshly cooked rice filled the room during the day. I could almost feel my mouth water as my stomach grumbled loudly. Waiting for the empty bag to be filled. Alas, although my body was waiting for the feast, I simply shook it off as I turned towards the door. "Thank you, Ms Nakano, but I'm not feeling well at the moment". Afraid to be filled in with guilt as I saw her hurt expression, I simply couldn't accept that and decided to leave. 

I gripped your pencil as I messily continued to sketch on the greyish paper on my desk. The more the pencil touched the paper, the more force I add to the drawing. I continued to draw, and draw, hearing nothing other than the granite of my wooden pencil scrape through the thin pad. Suddenly, I hear a quiet crack as I realize that the graphite on top of the pencil broke in half. I observed the wooden pen in my hand as I then placed it beside my sketch. Taking a quick look at what I've done, I sighed in disappointment. It was a drawing of a little girl on a yukata, sitting on her knees as she gaze at something in front of her. Although the detailed designs and the messy sketch printed on the paper seemed quite cute, I still didn't find the illustration worth liking. I wanted to crumple it up in frustration and throw it away, but I could hear a faint voice inside my head.

"If you keep discarding it even without finishing the task, you might not be able to see the beauty you created once you've finished" Hana's voice leapt through my head "Just trust the process"

I took a slight thought as I paused, glancing at the unfinished piece before me. I tried to give it a second thought but I still didn't feel satisfied with the work. Even though I still held a grudge against it, I decided to keep it for a little while. I gave my arm a good stretch before turning towards my room. I didn't turn the lights on as I only relied on the sunlight through the translucent curtains. It wasn't that dark, I could still make out a few crumpled papers and flying dust in the room. I left my blankets unfolded with my pillow already reaching the floor. I thought I never needed to arrange them because I'd just use them anyway. I felt lazy to continue. The room was such a mess that I don't remember when was the last time it was in good shape. During my time with my brother, I always relied on him since he never acknowledged it. Perhaps he didn't like to talk to me about it for some unknown reason.

It was hard keeping it clean by myself, I had little to no motivation in cleaning my own room. If Daichi had finally come home from Korea, this time he might finally put sense into his little sister for turning his own abode that he paid into a junkyard. Although his jokes and loud behaviour, kind of annoyed me. Daichi never acted that way when we were young. It seemed like he changed, or maybe trying to. I don't even know if all of this was only an act. Maybe he doesn't love me at all but felt sympathy as soon as Hana left the world. A sigh left through my lips, if he was indeed trying his best, I might as well do a good deed for him. Therefore, I could show him that I am no burden around the people I love.

I stood up from my seat as I gazed at the crumpled paper and picked them up one by one. As to throw them from my trash bin, I realized that it was already full. Although my displeased face I decided to throw it off the larger bin outside the apartment. This could be a good idea to dispose of the trash from my kitchen too. Shaking my head in disappointment as I realized that I suddenly placed too much work on my shoulders now. This seemed like karma.

"I'm not doing any chores ever again" I cursed under my breath.

 Placing the mess on my desk as I took a sweater from the closet to accompany me from the freezing winter outside, I then set out. I felt a fog off my mouth as I breathed in the chilly air. The snow was small and wasn't quite thick enough to be a disturbance.  Although it was small, my heart ached at the thought. It was best to finish this off. As soon as I could empty the trash then you can finally enjoy the warmth of my own home.

Leaving the house was a very bad idea. Never doing it again.

As soon as the bin was empty I begin to walk upstairs. With both bags in my hands, I started to climb up when something stopped me. I could feel a faint chill on my left cheek as I began to wonder what must have caused this. Using my finger, I tried rubbing it off until the cold transferred to my finger. A dainty snowflake did this small yet cold deed, slowly melting away from the warmth of my hand. I gazed up in the sky to see the cloud circulating in a dim grey manner. Sadness overcomes my face as I clenched your fist tightly. I didn't like the snow, it was freezing and messy. I didn't like how it always melted away into large puddles as soon as it leaves. It annoyed me, it left unwanted memories on my mind. Trying to rid of the sadness I kept fighting, it just kept coming back. Just a glimpse of little snow already pissed you off. You looked away as I quickly ran inside, trying to erase the screaming voice that was printed inside my head. Those piercing cries I never wanted to hear of again. It hurts, it hurts so much.

I gripped onto my sweater in front of my chest, inhaling the freezing breeze on my mouth. Quickly dashing off to the door, I shut it tight. The warmth of my home softened my shaking body, but still, I feel uncomfortable inside me. I deepened my breath as my fists were still pressed on the wooden door. The small bin in my hands drops to the ground as I continued to breathe. My eyes tremble as my mind races to the exact memory I tried to forget. The sight I never wanted to see. The day when my heart shattered into different pieces. The salty taste of my tears fell as they poured down like waterfalls. Streaming down my soft cheek where my dear sister used to caress whenever I start to cry. I could still hear her soft hum, singing the melody of a sweet tune once from before.

A memory, a beautiful, ethereal dream I thought I was in before. Utopia, where I thought my childhood had resided. Where only happiness existed, or so I thought. I thought everything was perfect just because of a small lie. It was so small yet it created such imagination in my young mind.

"Mother and father are just stressed don't worry about it" A soft voice spoke in my ear, cold touch of wet damp cloth on my reddened cheek "They're sorry about it don't worry" A smile crept on her pleasing face. Her E/C eyes, shone brightly as if to assure that everything was alright. Although her hopeful words, I could still feel a sea of water dropping from my puffy eyes.

"Mother and father were angry at me," I rubbed my reddened eyes with my arm. Snot starting to fall from my nose. Hana took a piece of tissue from the tissue box beside her as she squeezed my nose. I blew intensely as I continued to cry. The sharp pain from my cheek still hurt. A red mark is still there just like a permanent tattoo.  "They said I was being stupid for playing out in the snow"

"Well, they do seem worried about your well-being" Her thumbs rubbed off the tear from my face "Next time, if you want to play in the snow, you must call me okay" Her grin was bright. I smiled back, my heart no longer aching in sadness. I felt so much at peace just being by her side. I nodded as she wrapped her arms around my body. Her palms stroked my back lovingly. "We could grab some hot choco after this okay?"

"Hot choco! Yay," I giggled, squeezing her tightly.

I always looked out for the winter. It held a once special dream for me. We made it a tradition that whenever we would go out to play in the snow, we would grab some hot chocolate and build snowmen on the pile of powdered ice. Therefore, I always had high hopes whenever the season came. I knew that whenever a snowflake would fall, a beautiful future was there for me. Awaiting there with open arms. But now, the thought of it disappeared in an instant. Replaced with terrifying screams and a car screech. Blood splashing on the once white snow. Blue lips and pale skin, her dead orbs staring at me. I knelt down on the wooden floor, grabbing my hair aggressively. I closed my eyes shut but her frightening figure, laying down on the cold ground was still there. I couldn't take it anymore. The pain from the scenery left a permanent scar on my heart.

Without knowing it, my eyes grew tired. No tears left to fall my eyelids closed shut. My head fell to the cold, wooden floor. My breath now softened my once trembling body. It was as if someone casted a small spell on me. To ease my pain temporarily. I let my dreams take me to where they would lead me to.