The One That Got Away

I got caught up by the chase

"There's probably more of them."

That was what Poe said even as the both of them continued along the path. Even as they continued further — the looming menace of the forest seemed almost like something out of a campfire story.

"Probably," Kylo said. "Where there's a select few, more will most likely find a way to charge up behind them as strong as before."

"You'd probably know all about that, right, Ben?"

Poe didn't miss the way that Kylo flinched in that moment. The way he looked. "I'm not Palpatine," he said. "Or Snoke. I have a vision."

"Did that vision include trying to kill the Resistance on Crait?"

Kylo paused; it was almost, Poe thought, like he hadn't quite thought this through. Had he? Had he stood over Snoke's corpse and suddenly decided "Well, I've got nothing to go back for; might as well take over the First Order and try to kill everyone in the Resistance"? It didn't seem like Ben. Then again, Kylo hadn't been Ben for six years, at bare minimum.

"Your own mother was there," Poe said.

"Oh, I suppose she missed the memo she had a son..."

"That's not..." Poe trailed off. What was Leia thinking, exactly? He'd be damned if he knew what was going on inside her head. After all, she'd decided to randomly slap him and humiliate him before demoting him for taking down a Dreadnaught. Demotion, maybe? But slapping him?

He could still remember the sharp crack of her palm against his face, the shock of realizing the General could hit hard — that she could hit at all, actually.

Kylo...he had this strange, unreadable look on his face. "Did she...hurt you?"

"I'd appreciate it if you stayed out of my head," Poe gritted out. "I mean it."

Kylo sighed. "I don't like this any more than you do, Poe. Being so...intimate."

"Hell of a way to put it." Poe said. "Do you have any idea what you did? How — how I just wondered what would happen if I..."

He trailed off. How did he describe that feeling, wanting to die after Kylo had been done with him? Kylo had most likely thought he was being merciful when he'd knocked Poe out, but upon waking in that prison cell with cold durasteel on his wrists, Poe had felt like he wished he was dead.

He hadn't let it show around Finn, of course. But when you had to live with the simple fact you hadn't been strong enough, the repetition of memory in your skull...Poe had been put on "suicide watch" after the interrogation, but there were more ways to die than just sharp objects...

And Ben had done this to him.

"I never wanted this to happen." Kylo sounded, unexpectedly, vulnerable. "I will say, at least — that feeling of being violated? Split open? I've felt it before."

Poe could at least buy that. He wasn't about to go charging off into more danger, at least; he needed Kylo to survive whether they both liked it or not.

He wasn't about to unthinkingly swallow everything Kylo said, though. He wasn't stupid.

"It wasn't your fault," Kylo said. "You were brave. If you can't believe that I didn't want to do that, at least believe the two things I told you. You were brave, and you were strong. You still are."

"I can...believe that even if you're just lying."

"I'm not a good liar," Kylo said. "I think that's a universally accepted truth."

Poe couldn't argue with that.

***

There was a sudden thunderstorm, and they had to take shelter. Even listening to the rumbling growl of thunder up above and the hard patter of rain, Poe thought, despite himself, of when he and Ben had had sleepovers. When the rain pattered down on the Damerons' roof, and the two boys had hot chocolate and watched adventure holos.

Kriff, where had that gone?

"You're shivering," Kylo said, frankly.

Poe sighed. "It's a little cold."

"Sit with me."

Poe supposed he didn't have much of a choice, and he would admit that when Kylo slung his cloak about Poe's shoulders, it felt warmer than it had any right to feel. It felt a lot, Poe thought, like resting in the wings of a great beast. Though this beast wasn't entirely evil. That Poe knew. Mostly he just seemed angry and sad.

"I swear this is like something out of a bad porno," Poe mumbled. "Without the kriffing."

Kylo snorted. "Do shut up," he said, but there was something in that tone that suggested that he did find Poe's remark slightly funny. Force, when was the last time they'd actually bantered together?

Poe found he missed that.

"We'll have to wait out the storm," Kylo said. "It's the best we can do."

***

Poe fell asleep against him. Kylo found he didn't mind, all things considered. When was the last time that happened? When was the last time he'd had touch that didn't have physical pain behind it? It all seemed so distant. So long ago. And it occurred to Kylo that he almost, almost missed this.

Poe felt like a furnace against him. Kylo found, oddly, that he didn't mind. At least, he could find some form of warmth on this strange, unfamiliar planet that was bringing back memories he wished he didn't have.