The One That Got Away

And you got high on every little bit

Kylo's dreams were all too familiar.

In his dreams, he saw Poe on the interrogation — no, the torture — rack, once again. They weren't dreams, but flashbacks; Kylo could still feel the electric shocks in his brain even as he tried to fight back, fighting from the inside. Poe writhing on the rack, writhing and straining as Kylo's hand pulled, feeling as much under Snoke's volition as anything —

"Please." This time, Kylo tried to speak to Snoke in the nightmare. "Please, stop. I can't do it..."

And Snoke, urging him on. "You can't save him, Kylo Ren. I will break him, body, mind, soul, resolve — I just wonder which one will break first..."

Kylo snapped awake just then, glancing around frantically. Looking around, where Poe had been jolted awake — stars, now he knew. He knew how weak Kylo was now. He truly did.

"I heard you." Fingers that trailed along Kylo's cheek. "I heard you...screaming."

"Yeah. I was." Kylo took a shaky breath. "You know, don't you? How...weak I was?"

"You're not weak," Poe said, softly. "I don't know if I like you now, as a person...but you're not weak."

"You really think that?"

"I do." There was so much earnestness, so much conviction, in Poe's voice, that Kylo felt almost like he could believe it. Possibly. Because Poe — Poe still had so much kindness to give, even after Kylo had let him down.

Let him down. What an understatement, now that Kylo thought about it. He'd hurt Poe.

"There's more," Kylo said. "There's many reasons I killed Snoke. One of them...I remember that he was going on about how it didn't matter that I'd killed my — Han Solo," somehow, he doubted he could call Han his father yet, "And I realized that everything I did was for nothing. Hurting you. Hurting the girl. Killing Han Solo. Everything I did was ultimately for nothing. I know, you'll act like I should have known it sooner, but...it was like nothing I did mattered. I still wonder if everything I did and was forced to do to find Skywalker...if that was for nothing." Kylo fiddled with his gloves. "He did beat me. Though even that wasn't on fair terms. It was just a mirage. Bastard couldn't be bothered to personally show up..."

"He wouldn't," Poe said. Stars, was he just breaking Poe's heart with every word he was saying? That was the question.

"He's not..." Kylo trailed off. Maybe it was more prudent just to let Poe draw his own conclusions? Do his own detective work?

Yeah. That was prudent, at least. A good idea.

"You'll understand," Kylo said. "When you do your own detective work, you'll understand."

***

They headed up the path, in a sort of awkward silence that Kylo couldn't say he liked. Poe, apparently, believed him about being forced to torture him...but when it came to actually believing him about Luke, that was a completely different story.

Kylo couldn't help but miss the days where he could actually talk to Poe.

"Are you angry with me?" he asked, after a while.

"Maybe a bit," Poe said. "Maybe I just want to keep my belief intact as long as I can."

"I know." It was something that, long ago, Kylo had been familiar with.

Eventually, Poe laughed in delight. They hadn't  just found a hangar for ships; they had found a communications array, just for reaching their respective sides.

Kylo smiled faintly. He should be happy about them finding a communications array. Should. And a hangar. But instead, he found that he was unexpectedly sad.

It was the idea of him losing Poe, all over again. Poe wouldn't leave him, of course. He would be with him, calming him, hurting him, everything. Just like Poe had when Kylo had had to leave the first time.

***

"The array needs some parts to work," Poe said, absently even as he fiddled with the wires. Kylo could remember times when he had helped Poe fix the Falcon, showing him which wire went where.

"Thought so," Kylo said. "I suppose after this, it's the end of us seeing each other. Of our partnership."

"I wouldn't rule anything out," Poe said. "Help me with these wires, will you?"

Kylo did. He knew the basics of mechanics-work, of doing his best just to adjust things. Tweaking, adjusting, until the array flared up.

"It's working!" Poe declared, and there was something about it that made Kylo feel a faint pang in his heart, seeing him smile.

Force, he did miss Poe's genuine smile.

He wished he could have been more responsible for that smile, actually.

***

It was delivering their messages, including Poe's request for a new Black One (how many X-wings did he have?), that after a while, Kylo said (once the communications system was off), "You have my name in your code. My old name."

"Of course. I passed it off as being an Obi-Wan fan when people asked me about it," Poe said, "But...I don't know. I still...care about the man you were before."

"You'll never see that man again," Kylo said. He almost regretted it seeing the look of hurt on Poe's face, but it was the truth. Ben Solo was based on a lie.

"Then," Poe said, "I'll at least remember him. He'll be with me, even if I can't see him."

***

The First Order sent their shuttle, the Resistance sent theirs. Kylo turned to look at Poe just then, and didn't say anything. Just a nod, but it was enough.

It was like a mirror of when the scavenger had left him behind. At least this encounter had left them with some degree of hope — though Kylo didn't know where it would take them.