Sesame Street: The Untold Tales

Wedding Talk, Heroin, Spoiled Milk, Cults, and Abby

"What do you mean you guys are getting married?" Oscar growled from his trash can, "You guys can't let me be single with the Red Ass Wonder over there."

"That's not even a creative insult, Oscar," Elmo chided, "Anyways, congratulations guys! It was about time!"

Ernie and Bert beamed when they heard their friends congratulate them.

"I- I- I need a tissue," said a shaking, yet booming voice from behind. It was Big Bird. He was smiling with tears in his eye and a freshly baked pan of cookies. "These are from Cookie Monster, he is awful sorry he can't come since he's held up at work, but when I called to tell him the news he seemed so excited he said another word than a cookie!"

"Oh my fucking lord! He is a fucking grown-ass man and we still treat him like a fucking two-year-old! What the fuck guys!" Said Oscar the Grouch, pissed that his dealer said he would be running late.

No one but Big Bird seemed to be bothered by this outburst; since these would happen every couple of days. Three years ago, Big Bird was at an all-time low in his life, since he felt like he was too tall and awkward to be loved, so he turned to a life of being in a cult. He moved to Los Angeles where he met Fozzie Bear, a member of the Communion of West Hollywood, a cult that would sell bottled Dasani Water online as Holy Water at the back alley of a Walmart. Big Bird enjoyed the life of being in a cult until one day, during a ceremony, every member took a swig of spoiled milk from a jug. At first, Big Bird seemed to be doing alright, but then later during that night, Big Bird had weird sensations in his stomach that caused him to feel nauseous. Oh no, Big Bird thought to himself, I'm dying. These sensations must be related to death. I know I shouldn't have drank that spoiled milk. I hope I get a second chance though when I die. 

My dear reader, please know that  Big Bird will not die due to drinking spoiled milk, he just had acute food poisoning. Okay, now back to the story:

So to relieve the pain and make death less painful, Big Bird fell asleep. When he awoke in the morning, he was surprised to be alive. Grateful for this miracle, he booked a plane back to New York City and went back to see his friends Bert and Ernie. When he got back to the New York algorithm, he decided that he could inspire people with his story of overcoming a week in a cult, and how to not be afraid of death. At first, no one seemed to care about his story, but quite soon, people from all other the city flocked to listen to his program.

Big Bird was also a concerned friend, he hated seeing Oscar in the dumps, but Oscar always rebuffed him. So when Big Bird saw Oscar's irritability, he said:

"Oscar, I know exactly how you are feeling. When I was in a cult in LA I drank spoiled milk and I faced death itself and-"

"Shut the fuck up, Big Bird. You weren't even dying. You literally had fucking food poisoning." Grumbled Oscar.

"Oscar! That wasn't a nice thing to say to Big Bird! Apologize to him!" Scolded Bert.

"Sorry"

Elmo looked down to tie his shoe. 

"Ummmm Bert, Ernie? Will Abby be there? Because you know, I don't things ended on a good note between us, but like- whatever."

Ernie looked agitated, "Elmo, you guys broke up almost a year and a half ago. I know it was messy, but try get over it! I know you can! Besides, you are in an industry with so many other girls who are dying to be with you, and pretty much have already slept with you!"

"Guys, I know. But it's not the same. They are just coworkers, and I don't get the same rush of excitement as I did with Abby. That's the one misconception with porn, everyone thinks you fall in love with every coworker! But it never happens! They are just friends and my peers. It's hard! No pun attended. But whatever, Abby is famous anyway in LA."

Elmo and Abby were in a serious relationship for 3 years. The first year was almost like your daydreamy couple that always got along and seemed happy. Abby's career in acting was taking off, and so was Elmo's. In their second year, Abby was offered a role as a supporting character in a popular show, while Elmo played Barista #5 or other extras on soap operas, but jealousy hadn't happened quite yet. In their last year, Elmo's jealousy of Abby's stardom had gotten the best of him, so he went into the porn industry. Abby was jealous that Elmo was sleeping with other women, so she slept with one of her costars. With both of their clashing egos, they decided to break up. Abby moved to LA and was offered a bigger role on a hit new TV show (Elmo told Abby to turn down the role, saying it will never be anything big), and won her first Emmy. Distraught, Elmo threw himself into his work, trying to take his mind off of Abby, but his mind throbbed every day with Abby, Abby, Abby. Some nights, he couldn't fall asleep, so he would watch her on TV, and smile, thinking of their memories.

Big Bird clapped, "Alright, can I be the maid of honor?"