Start from Scratch (JenLisa Adaptation)

25

 'Thaw'

Jennie's POV

Journal of my haunted head, by Jennie Kim.

Day 33.

I always thought diaries were stupid and the people who wrote them, rather insipid. I imagined them writing down their boring lives, as if it could possibly matter to anyone. But here, look at me. Writing down my life and I've done it for 33 days straight. I suppose I owe my fellow diary/journal writers an apology now. But I won't, screw them.

I have one notable exception, the one and only Anne Frank. To her and her alone, I apologize for my unkind words. The rest of you can fuck off. I actually just finished reading her book. In group, they always stress that you're not alone in your misery and pain. Others have suffered in various ways and you can learn from that.

I've been reading these other books that were recommended by Dr. Seungi, on surviving sexual assault and violence and decided to switch gears a bit. I wanted to see how she, under her circumstances coped with the horror around her. She was a victim of a different sort, but suffered no less than I, actually she suffered much more than I can ever imagine. But unlike so many others of her time, she retained her humanity, that's the one thing they could never take away from her.

But I digress, I've been writing my various thoughts, feelings and fears that run amuck in my head on a daily basis. It's all part of me throwing myself headlong into my recovery effort. It's not easy doing so. It's so much easier to sit on the couch, drink, watch horror films to try and numb the pain and trauma away.

I can't do that. If I do, not only will I go down the tubes, but I'll pull Lisa down with me. I should be doing this all for myself, but a lot of my motivation comes from Lisa. I'm doing it for her. Maybe that's the wrong reason, but fuck reason.

In case you haven't been following along in the last 33 days, not to mention why are you reading my journal anyway, I've since joined a group therapy, do this journal on a daily basis, and have been reading up on coping on how to cope with sexual abuse and assault. I've even got some money from my parents and joined a health club where I work out at least 3 times a week.

I've also fully thrown myself, into my self-imposed project. I consider it part of my therapy and use it to stay focused. I can't say I've had much luck with it yet. I won't bore you with details, but it involves sorting through tons and tons of useless, boring, electronic garbage. I spend no less than 2 hours a day working on it. It's a mission, probably a futile one, but a mission none the less.

I do it for her.

I'm not sure if any of this junk is actually helping me. One thing is for sure, I'm too fucking busy to have time to be a basket case.

Jisoo was right about Lisa, that she wouldn't be very nice to me. I made it through the last of summer, its September 2nd today, feeling like I was in an ice age.

Lisa's been cold to me, downright icy in fact. She hasn't given up on me, she lets me stay, still cooks and cleans, but she hasn't said one single word to me since our argument that she absolutely doesn't have to. I even started to offer her help clean and make dinner, but my offers were quickly and coldly turned down.

I think she's afraid I'll just slip back, get angry again. I'm still messed up, I still have nightmares, I still can't think of being touched, but I'm determined not to go backwards, not one single step. She just doesn't trust me and I know she's afraid of me.

The more I think of it, the more painful that knowledge becomes. I miss the old Lisa more than ever and it only spurs me on to throw myself into this. We were actually dating before it all went to hell, now I can't stay back to square one, I'm more like at square negative 30.