Mental Health

My Struggle with an Eating Disorder/Recovery

   *TW*
    It's super late and i really shouldn't be up right now but i can't sleep at all so i figured i'd write about what's keeping me up.

As I've mentioned before i was diagnosed with bulimia in February of this year (2020) and when i was diagnosed it was at the point where i was already pretty "recovered" from it. I had developed it March of 2019 after i become incredibly hateful towards my body, specifically my stomach. I would say i had "gotten over it" by around maybe september of 2019 but that was because my depression became so bad that i had given up on excessively working out and really didn't care what or how much i was eating (although it wasn't a lot compared to now).

I was fine without exercising to be honest, it felt like a relief to not be putting my body through that, but mentally i hated it. All of thoughts were things like "you're just gonna get fat again" "you lost all that weight and now you're just gonna let yourself go like that?" if you gain that weight back you might as well be a failure" and so many more things.

I think from then up until now i've worked out maybe 20 times? whereas before i would workout 7 days a week for an hour, no matter if i was sick, if part of my body hurt, it didn't matter because my eating disorder told me that I didn't deserve a day to rest because i was "too fat" to miss a day. *TW* mind you, when my ED began i was 5'7 and 160 pounds and in 4 months i had lost 20 pounds. I really don't know how to describe that feeling, I was proud, but both mentally and physically i was so messed up that i really didn't realize what i was doing to myself.

I would miss a day or 2 of eating and then the next day i would only eat 700-800 calories. And i had a big fear of drinking water because i knew it would add weight regardless of the fact that i would just pee it out later.

after i "recovered", i would say maybe around January/February i was actually happy with myself. i was drinking a lot of water, eating a good amount and including treats that i didn't let myself have before, and all together i really didn't let those ED thoughts get to me.

then i met my boyfriend in March and because of my eating disorder i've been able to remember my exact weight when i met him...i was 132 pounds - i really don't know how i was that light, but it wasn't on purpose, but it was lower than usual and that's when my ED kicked in and kind of went "hey, i like seeing that number...keep it like that...go lower if you can"

i really tried to ignore it, and for a while i did. but now not so much.

ive gained 10 pounds since march, partly due to my eating, partly due to not being able to go out of the house often because of covid, and partly because i started birth control in september and that makes you gain weight (an ED's biggest fear)

i'm writing this because, in the past month i've been so focused on my weight again. i hate looking at my body, and i hate imaging what my boyfriend might be thinking of me because i'm no longer as skinny as i was when we met.

i hate my stomach the most, and my face because both have gotten bigger. i know 140ish pounds isn't bad, but i haven't seen that number in a while and it scares me. it scares me to think that i could possible gain back all the weight i lost.

the first major problem that occurred that made me realize my ED was coming back was 2 days ago when i wrote a "diet plan" on a cue card that said 800 Calories a Day and listed what i could and couldn't eat, and when i could and couldn't eat.

at this point, i know it's one of those things that hasn't gotten to the point where i need extra help. right now it's just a one day at a time sorta thing. and whether i follow that "diet" or not will decide where i go with this. but my mentality towards my body right now is not good. i don't feel like i'm good looking or skinny, i constantly feel like my boyfriend doesn't like me anymore because of my body even though he always tells me i'm beautiful, and i constantly wear baggy clothes instead of my cute clothes i worse when i was confident because i don't want to see how i look anymore.

i'm scared to put on my jeans, because if they're tight i'll probably just burst into tears. i'm scared to weigh myself because i'd i gained even another pound ill definitely burst into tears. but the thought of not weighing myself also scares me because how will i know how much weight i'm gaining? if i don't know then i can't control it the way i used to.

this is what an eating disorder is like
its constantly thinking about your body, and what you don't like about it, and what you want to change, and what you're eating and how much you're eating.

its exhausting. but i know i'll get through it again.
i'm not writing this for attention, i'm honestly just needing to rant but i figured if my rant could help educate someone or make them feel less alone then maybe i should just put it on here

you're not alone.
recovery isn't easy - you're bound to relapse sometimes - but remember that if you recovered once you can do it again

i'm always here for you guys.
message me anytime if you ever need anything.

Love always,
Sunny