It's Kinda Crazy Really [L.S.]

0.1

The 28th of July, 2020

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Emma's POV

Life is surprising.

Every time something great happens in life, you're hit with an equally terrible situation.

For instance, imagine playing footie your whole life, nothing ever got in your way, until one day you couldn't breathe. 

It was the championship game. I was dribbling towards the goal, I felt my lungs tightening up but I didn't think anything of it. I was drawing my leg back to score, that's when I stopped breathing. I fell to the ground out of weakness, gasping for air. Everyone crowded around me making everything worse. My anxiety kicked in and I passed out.

I woke up in a hospital room, everything was white. White walls, white floor, white curtains, sheets, and chairs. It was sickening really, I didn't think I could feel sicker until they informed me of their diagnosis. Asthma.

Now I know what you're thinking, 'it's just asthma, you're being dramatic'. Asthma is one of the worst conditions for an athlete to be diagnosed with. 'Just use an inhaler', well let me tell you, those don't work. I was diagnosed with highly severe asthma, anything could trigger it. Dust, pollen, exercise, absolutely nothing, it all depended on the day.

I tried to push through my games and practices, but I couldn't. The day I had to quit footie was the day I knew everything was just going downhill. I had been playing footie for eleven years, I didn't know what to do with my life. I soon turned to softball.

Softball provided less running and I had wanted to give it a try. I found myself being a great second baseman, but of course, that had to be ruined too. December of 2018, I passed out for the first time, without a known reason.

I continued to play softball considering I hadn't been taken to the doctors yet. You'd think a mother would care about her child enough to take her to the doctor to find a reason behind her passing out, but no. I played like that for months, always on the verge of passing out. It soon became unbearable and I insisted on going to the doctor. POTS.

Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, in other words, my heart and blood vessels don't work fast enough to get my blood to my head, so I pass out. It comes with a variety of symptoms that make everything I do ten times more difficult. POTS is an internal cardiovascular disability you can't see.

The day I got diagnosed with POTS was the day I knew sports weren't opportunities was able to partake in. Gym class was unbearable and I couldn't have fun outside of my home. I became even more self-conscious than I was before.

As I said, every time something good happened, something bad happened in return.

*TW*

I'm currently looking at myself in the mirror. My curly, brown hair sitting on my shoulders. My brown eyes that had specks of green in them were duller than normal. My skin was pale and I was visibly shaking. I stared back at myself asking why I hadn't grown, or why my ears protruded the way they did. I asked myself why my little sister had to break my nose when I was five. Why did I never get it fixed? Why did my hair fall the way it fell? Why did I look so tired? Why was I so fat? Why was I so ugly? Many people have told me that none of the things I say about myself are true, but I don't believe them. I know I don't weigh much so I can't be fat, but my body figure says otherwise.

*TW over*

I look back into my eyes in the mirror.

It's gonna happen, I tell myself. I could just tell I was going to pass out. I look at my watch to check my heart rate, and sure enough, my heart is beating 147 BMP just from standing here. I can't find it in myself to care. I know my sister is too preoccupied to notice the sound of my body hitting the floor. My mother is at work, but like she'd care anyway. My father, well I don't talk about him, but he wouldn't care either.