The Write Match // Bill Hader

Five

I went to work, seeing Bill and Kristen for the second time today. The day was over now, and I made sure Bill was gone before I left. I'm worried about today, I'm worried I'm going to have a hard time communicating.

I sit in the small lobby, my leg bouncing from nerves. I know I'll be in and out in an hour, but it's going to be one long hour.

"Meredith?" A woman calls from a door, and I stand, walking towards her.

"How have you been?" She asks.

"I would be lying if I said good." I say back to her, almost mumbling.

"Well, let's just talk and work through somethings." She says, her accent making her voice thick, but she still has a sweet tone.

She opens the door, her office bright with sunlight. She motions me to sit on the couch in front of her as she gets her notebook from her desk.

"Alright, I know we usually just get started but you haven't been here in a while. Give me a life update. Is that okay?" She asks and I nod.

"I've recently started a new job as a writer." I say, rubbing my palms on my jeans.

"That's great. Where?" She asks, writing in her notebook.

"Saturday Night Live." I say.

"Saturday Night Live? Wow, that's great Meredith! And how is that going?" She asks, putting all of her attention back on me.

"Great, really. It's going a lot better than I ever expected." I say, smiling the slightest.

"Alright, well. I know we met a couple years ago after you struggled with a toxic relationship. You've been doing well lately, but things have started to get bad again?" She asks, and I nod again.

"I've been working a lot lately, trying to distract myself from it. It's been working, but there are times at night when I start to think about it, and I just feels hard to breath." I tell her, and she nods.

"It seems like distracting yourself from it is making it worse. Anything else?" She gives me a straightforward look. This is hard. I'm so hard on myself because I cannot overcome this.

"Survivors guilt." I whisper.

"Okay. Meredith, it's not your fault, it's never been your fault. You cannot keep blaming yourself because this horrible thing happened." She says.

"I hated him, but I should have died with him." I tell her, reciting the words I say to myself every day.

"It's easy to feel that way, but you can't let this consume your every thought." She tells me.

I look at her and nod, I know it shouldn't bother me. He was horrible to me, why do I feel like this? Why do I still let him control me?

"Meredith, it was really great to see you again. If you need absolutely anything at any time, you know how to reach me." I nod.

"Thank you, Rachel. I needed this." I say, feeling lightheaded, going to hug her. I walk out to the street, calling a taxi to Bill's apartment. I know I need to go anywhere besides my apartment right now, and as much as I don't want to, I decided to be with him.

Once the taxi pulls ups to his apartment building, I buzz in, letting the warm air inside take me over. I knock on his door, and he greets me with a smile.

"Are you done working for the evening?" He asks me, and I put my purse down, sitting down on his couch.

"Yes." I smile, and I shrug.

"You were working late, but no one knows why?" Bill asks.

"Kristen knows why I was." I defend, and Bill walks over, taking a seat on his coffee table across from me. He sits in front of me, and I notice his eyes have light purple bag under them. He's tired, that's obvious. I feel terrible, my head hurts and it has been since I left Rachel's office.