christmas eve

f i v e

"Mom," I laughed. I looked at her blurred form, wondering if it was just the lack of sleep or if I actually needed glasses. I squinted my eyes to try and see her better. "You won't guess what I was dreaming about."

Her scheme moved until I couldn't see her anymore.

My breath hitched. Everything was a haze.

"I was stuck in college because of a snow storm, can you imagine?"

There was no answer, only silence. My brows furrowed.

"Mom?" my own voice echoed around my ears. I grimaced and turned, but there was no one. I was in my room at home, and it was as messy as usual. But everything was blurry.

"Mom?"

I took a step forward, stumbling over my own feet. My eyes widened, and I cried out as I fell, ready to crash onto the ground with a force of-

My body convulsed upward, and I gasped, clutching onto my blanket. The light around me blinded me, and I ducked in my head under the fabric. I breathed in the smell of my washing powder... the cheap one I only used in college.

My eyes opened, and I blinked up onto the ceiling. The tiny spots upon it had always reminded me of the star system. I breathed out shakily. I wasn't at home. I sat up and didn't even care as the world started swaying.

My gaze was immediately stuck on the windows.

Was it still snowing? I couldn't see because my white curtain only let in the light. They weren't see-through.

Brushing my blanket off of me, I slowly stood up. It took me a few moments, but then I walked up to the window and opened the curtains. Yes, it was still snowing. The white mess was plastered all over the campus, stealing almost all the color from the scenery.

I swallowed, pressing my hand against the cold window and sitting down. My feet were so cold that it felt like they were standing on ice. I pulled them under me. I was shaking.

I tilted my head to the side. It was so strange to see the campus so empty... usually, no matter what time it was, there were always people. I had always despised that there was never silence around here, but now, I was starting to miss it.

I sighed.

The snow would just continue falling, no matter how much I wanted it to stop. Mother nature was playing with me. Maybe this was karma... I hadn't wanted to get home and see Arthur.

But now I was going to spend Christmas without my mom...

That had never happened before.

Every year, even before her new marriage, I had made sure to be there at least five days beforehand. She had always waited for me to decorate the Christmas tree and bake the cookies. And greeted me with that stupid Christmas hat when I came.

I had rolled my eyes at her back then, but now, I was starting to miss it. I was missing her.

I shook my head. Something wet dripped down my face, and my brows furrowed. I lifted my hand to my cheek, wiping away a tear. I breathed in deeply and watched as it dripped down my finger to my palm.

My hand clenched together in a fist.

I was so fucking pathetic. I sniffed and wiped my hands over my face, closing my eyes for a brief second. I breathed in deeply. This needed to stop. I needed to stop acting like a coward.

I was fucking nineteen and not a kid anymore...

I had brought this upon myself, and now I had to deal with it.