The day I became a hikikomori

VI

I got one job interview, so... good for me, right?

Well... not really. You see: it happened a few days ago. I just received a call from -----------------, a company that sells funerary services. It's a pretty big company, but in the last few years it has been known for their constant and annoying calls offering their services. Even I received them. Now, I don't know how they got my number or why they thought I could be a new customer; I mean, there's no way I could pay for that, I'm not that old, I'm not that sick (my heart rate has been a little higher than usual since they changed me to that department, but I'm working on it) and I don't care at all about my funeral or what happens to my corpse; I would be dead by then. If people decide to throw my corpse at a garbage bin or steal all my organs or whatever I wouldn't mind. Because I would be dead. And that's why I don't care if no one shows up or cries at my funeral. I honestly believe that people who would rejoice by watching there were a lot of people crying and suffering at their funeral is extremely egocentric and kinda messed up. Why would you be happy inflicting pain at the people who love you the most? Asshole.

There's no worse pain that the one someone leaves you when they die.

And I know this because I lost my mom when I was 10, and her absence still hurts me to this very day.

I miss her so much.

I need her so much.

And I know that I'll never get rid of that pain.

Maybe because I don't want to.

That's why I would hate if someone ends up feeling this way when I die.

Or maybe that's just a sad excuse I give myself to keep my sad and lonely self.

Sorry, I got a little off-track there. Anyway, I received a call from ---------------, and the woman of HR told me I sent them my résumé, which I didn't remember doing. Because they run a call center. I actually saw a lot of their job offers online, and I ignored them all, so that's why I was a little surprised/confused with the call. But I told her I was interested in their job offer just to see where would that go. She scheduled me a job interview for that same day, and I accepted. Later or, I searched online for all the job offers I've sent my résumé, and there it was, with the title office assistant, immediate hiring, posted by: one of the most important companies in its field, it had a job's description with activities such as:

· Writing reports;

· Make price quotes;

· Contact customers;

· Make sales records and prospects records.

And the woman of HR told me it was office work, so I though the job offer could be something like Jim's job in The Office, and I decided to check it out, because the worst that could happen is I didn't get the job, and I wanted to see how far I could go.

And—who knows?—maybe the job wasn't so bad, after all.

So, I arrived to their address, and the moment I entered the place and saw where I would work, I hated it.

It was a bunch of 2 by 2 ft cubicles with nothing on them but a phone, and some agents—a bunch of teenagers, a couple middle-aged guys, and an old lady in a corner—dialing and talking and dialing again.

That place was so depressing I wanted to get away as soon as possible. But obviously I didn't.

The woman from HR checked my résumé and basically asked me about my finances—how much money I needed to live, if I had kids or someone financially dependent, how much I was getting at my last job—and then she explained me what the job was about.

It was a call center, and they only needed agents.

Then she took me with a supervisor for a second interview. The guy asked me about my job experience at *******, then we made an exercise where I tried to sell him internet services, and in the end he asked me like three or four times if I really wanted to have that job.

And I lied.

So, he sent me back to the woman at HR, who told I was basically hired, so I had to give them some documents and start with training and all that.

And they let me go.

I was happy because I basically got the job. No sweat.

But then, when I was in trying to sleep, I couldn't stop thinking about that job opportunity that I was wasting, about that old lady who probably didn't have a choice to work there. Was I too picky? Was I too pampered? These last few days, every time I receive a call (it didn't happen often, though) I panic because I could be one of the job offers I've sent my résumé, and I know I don't really want it to be the case.

I think I got really used to be jobless again.

And that scares me. It scares me as much as getting a job again.

So I feel between a rock and a hard place, and I don't know what to do. Maybe I should keep that job, even though I was totally miserable from the moment I stepped in.

It was way worse than with *******.

I wouldn't last a month there.

But that's how life is, right? Life is hard, and you have to get used to it. Look at that old lady. Do you think she wants to be there? Don't you think she's too tired to be selling funerary services she probably can't afford herself?

But I just want a simple, mindless job; I just don't want to have a mental breakdown every few months, and I don't need that much money to live; I mean, I don't have any kids or debt or loans, and my biggest expense right now are mangas—and with a full-time job I won't have time to read a lot of them, so I won't need to buy that many—and books, which could be expensive, but there's a lot of people who spend way more in just one night out. So, I think I can pamper myself a little by choosing a job I'm a little more comfortable with, even though I won't my paycheck could be a little higher.

But I don't know if that job really exist—or if it's available right now... or ever.

So what happens if every single job out there is toxic and stressing as hell, and you basically have to suck it up and pick your poison? How do I know a job is good or bad for me? How do I know how much bullshit I have to endure to live the simple life I want? How do I know all of this is worth it? How do I know taking a job is a good or bad decision? Not all jobs are good, and I've already made too many mistakes.

God, I'm so lost right now.