The day I became a hikikomori

VI

"You haven't changed a bit."

A couple years ago, I was walking at a mall, and I ran into one of my college classmates. She was the one who told me that phrase, and I was a little disappointed, tbh, but now I'm totally devastated with all the truth it has.

I haven't changed a bit. I'm starting my thirties but I'm still that little boy who was starting his twenties in the loneliest was possible.

All the people my age are now getting married, having kids, getting promotions, moving forward.

And I'm way behind them.

And the age gap between me and people in their early twenties seem abysmal.

I feel like something abnormal, a living paradox, and as lonely as I could be.

I'm too old for my twenties, but I can't handle my thirties. And that made me realize I'm always in the middle point of anything: I like books, but not as much as the people of my literature courses; I like anime and manga, but not as much as the average otaku; I like music, but not as much as the music lovers who have heard all the albums by so many bands I know and I don't know about, so I feel I can't really connect with anyone.

And, worst of all, if I found someone who shares most or all of my interests, I'm too introvert to befriend him/her, and to stupid to make him/her know I want to befriend him/her.

And I had so many years to fix that, or at least try to.

But I didn't. All that time I wasted will be wasted forever. There's nothing I can do about it.

All the time I wasted will forever be wasted.

All the mistakes I've made will always be there.

I can't undone them.

But, why I'm telling you all this, all of the sudden?

Simple: a couple days ago I had job interview. It was at a music instrument store, and I was a little excited about it; when I was in elementary I was taking piano lessons, and when I was in high school I used to play guitar all day long. I wasn't as good as I thought, though, but I really enjoyed it.

Being there was like a walk in memory lane. I remembered the times I visited that store to buy some guitar strings, the band I had with my friends, my life at high school, my high school crush, who I never had the guts to ask out, even though I later found out she had a crush on me.

But how the interview went? Well, before me was another dude who, judging by all the papers attached to his résumé, was way better qualified than me, but besides that it was fine. The interviewer, a middle-aged woman who seemed like one of the owners of the store, took interest on the fact I live really close to the store, and I don't have any inconvenience of working full-time, but she told me twice that if I don't receive a call by wednesday next week, well... so, I think I won't get the job.

Oh, god, I think now I'm unemployed I have too much time to think.

And remember.

And regret.