The day I became a hikikomori

IX

I think I'm about to explode.

Ok, I think I haven't told you this, but I was really emotional as a little kid.

That means I used to cry about EVERYTHING: I would cry if I was playing in the backyard, and then trip and bruise my leg; I would also cry when my mom wouldn't let me go play in the backyard for the rest of the day; I would cry at every movie I watch; I would cry if a friend invited me to a place I didn't really want to go; I would cry if he didn't invite me.

One time I was playing with my grandpa, and then I don't remember what I did or said, but he got mad at me and called me something like "petty."

I've never heard that word before, but I knew it meant something bad.

So I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for a long, long time.

One day we were on the car going somewhere, and I was crying, as usual. Then I stopped and noticed everyone else was silent and pretending I wasn't there.

That's when I realized I was being a nuisance to everyone else.

I realized crying was a nuisance to all.

So I decided to make the worst mistake I've even made: I would "man up" and start to repress my feelings. It was really hard at first but with time it became so easy it has been really hard for me to be in touch with my feelings ever since.

I remember one time when I found out my high school crush had a new boyfriend who was obviously now me, and I was so devastated I just wanted to shout at the top of my lungs and cry all day, but after a couple minutes and a couple tears I just stopped feeling sad, like all of my pain was vacuumed or something.

That's when I started to worry about all the feelings I've been repressing my whole life.

They are still inside me, and one day they'll just burst out.

I think that day is really, really close.

And I think so because every time I feel more and more stressed and anxious by simpler and simpler reasons.

That's exactly what happened at *******, when I was more and more unable to handle the calls.

And that's exactly what it has been happening for the last few weeks.

So, as you might know, I'm working as a receptionist in a hotel, and it was fine for about a week: it was pretty easy and non-demanding, I could read or write as I did at home, it was a peaceful workspace, there's a pretty nice co-worker I sometimes talk to, and she's cute and all, and she smiles at me a lot, but sometimes I think she's just being nice to me, but what if she's really interested in me? She's not gonna wait forever. But what if she isn't, and me trying to make a move will only be awkward to her, but maybe she wants me to make a move, but right now I'm such a mess I don't think I could handle a relationship right now, and that's probably an excuse I'm giving myself to stay in my comfort zone.

Anyway, that's the least of my problems right now, tbh.

About two weeks ago, the owners asked me if I could cover the night shift one day.

It was a Friday, to be precise.

I said "sure."

Then my dad called me because he found out my new job. He wasn't really happy, tbh. The idea of having a son with a college degree working as a simple receptionist was really disappointing for him.

I didn't mind his complaints but I told him something like, "well, that's your problem, but I'll be going now, because I got the night shift today, and I want to sleep some more."

He got really mad about that. He called the hotel owners (who, as I said in the last chapter, are his friends,) complained about how they were "misusing my talents," and demanded them to give me at least an executive job there.

So, that night, when I arrived to the hotel, they gave me my week's salary, gave me the day off and told me they'll call me by Sunday because they had to check a few things.

They didn't.

And I was totally devastated for most of the next days.

I felt betrayed by both my dad and the hotel owners I didn't want to know anything from them.

I felt so useless it was really hard for me to start looking for another job, and it was even harder when I didn't receive a callback.

It was way worse than the time I stopped working at *******.

I spent the first day of that week crying uncontrollably and shouting at the top of my lungs.

The next days I felt so down the weather and tired I spent a lot of time in bed and lying on the couch.

I even slept like 9 to 10 hours every day, but I still felt really, really tired of everything.

I've never felt that way, and I just couldn't help it.

But, fortunately, the hotel owners called me the next week. They said they were really sick, so they weren't able to contact me last week.

Of course I didn't believe them, but they were offering my job back, so I accepted.

I felt relieved, but not happy or excited or anything.

I went back and worked my shift, and then the owners told me to start my shift and hour earlier since the next day, and in return I would have a longer lunch break.

I said "yeah, no problem."

But something inside of me panicked for no reason; I mean, it's just an hour, and I'll have to wake up a little earlier, but I was doing that when I had to go to the bank or something before work, so it should be no issue. But still I was so anxious and stressed last night I spent almost all night wondering why I was so stressed out and stressing myself out because I couldn't find the answer, and the more I thought about it, the more illogical it seemed, so my stress and my anxiety increased, and I wondered why that happened, and I only slept because some sleeping pills I took.

And right now I'm overstressed, sleep deprived and clueless. But I'm glad I can write this at work.