//Doomed//

20

// I've not yet checked this. And it's been madly rushed. I just wanted to get an update on for you today. Hopefully the length of it makes up for any mistakes. I apologise if some of it doesn't make sense or for spelling mistakes. Like i said. it's not been checked. Please just bare with for now. And, enjoy :) //

The car ride back to drop me off home was uncomfortably quiet. As though i could feel him pulling away from me for some unknown reason. Which made me crave for his attention more. Matthew's focus constantly on the outside of the car. I try not to think too much in to it. I try telling myself to not get myself worked up and believe it's something I've done. But the more i try, the more It's nitpicking at me. Worst of all, I've now lost the confidence to even try and start off small talk. Figuring if silnece is how he wants it to be, silence is what he'll get. - When doesn't Healy get what he wants.

But that doesn't stop the thoughts wirling around my mind at what could be bothering him. If it was me, what have i done this time? Because it usually is me. I peek a glance at his face without being caught. His face blank but his eyes quickly track side to side, as though he's in deep thought. Is he wondering the same as me? Am i coming across as off and distant with him too?

Why does he never just tell me when things are bothering him? He only tells me things he wants me to know. And it's becoming so frustrating now.

I feel his eyes instantly on me. I throw him a small, uncertain smile. Hoping that encourages him to make the first move to put a stop to the eerie atmosphere between us. But no. The smile he throws me back isn't even a genuine one. And my heart drops slightly. Like the feeling you get when you're sleeping and you feel like you're falling.

Without even realising I'd planned on doing it. I unfasten my belt and sneak up to the side of him. Wrapping my small hand around his wrist, placing my head on the top if his arm, in a silent plead to not push me away and to tell me what's on his mind. Even if it is me that's done something wrong. I'll try making it better. I can't do with a snapping, angry Healy. Which is what i could get right now if i push him. But a silent Healy is much harder to take in and deal with.

He moves his arm away from me. Like an instant slap across the face. But then i realise he's reaching to the other side of me to put the belt from the middle around me and fastening it. Then his arm's around me. Pulling me back into him with a heavy sigh. Visibly relaxing now with me near him.

I look up at him. Trying to study his blank face again. "I'd much rather be staying in with you tonight" i tell him in hope he'd ask me to just stay with him. That would give me the little bit of hope that we are or  we're going to be okay, at least. Because right now i feel nothing but coldness from him. Like it's a way of him showing me he isn't keen anymore. If this is it for us, i could do with this one last night with him. I'd sack this gig off in an instant if it meant spending one last night with him. I wouldn't even pester him to talk. His company would just be enough for me.

He shifts. Leaning forward slightly to pull down his t-shirt from the waist, even though it hasn't risen up. I feel as though it's a sign of him being uncomfortable with me this close. So i sit myself up. Putting as much distance between us as i can with now being sat in the middle. He looks down at me, noticing. But doesn't mention anything or even ask why. "You should go out. Go have fun" he tells me with a firm nod.

"O-okay" i one word him. Realising now it doesn't matter what i say or do. It seems his mind is set up. And i guess with him ending it this way, it kind of saves me the embarrassment of arguing it out or even me begging for another chance. Coming across as a desperate, needy fool. Like how I'm feeling now.

There's not really much you can do when someone's mind is set on not wanting you. It's not even their fault really. It's just how they feel i suppose. And deep down i have kind of been expecting this to happen. If I'm speaking honestly, i was kind of expecting it sooner.