Jordans Journey

End -Frank Ocean

Paris leaves and Kayla and I continue talking about her sexual encounter. I start thinking about my boyfriend how much I miss him, sex how much I miss sex, and it all just makes me depressed. I stare at the ceiling until I fall asleep.

I have another dream about Michael, I see his face, his smile and my heart nearly skips a beat. I have a love hate relationship with love. The way it can suffocate me makes me afraid of it but the way it makes me feel warm inside keeps me alive and gives me hope outside of this place. I count down the days until I will be able to see Michael again. He writes me letters each week but ever since I got put in the box I didn't receive any letters. I know he sent them but the guards are probably keeping them from me. Usually I don't mind but today I really need the letter. I miss his voice being around him if I close my eyes and focus I can smell his cologne and it brings tears to my eyes. I never tell anyone that, but I often just zone out and try to recreate my favorite moments with him. It fulfills me for the moment but when I get back to reality I am empty. I roll over in my bunk, I can already feel the weight of today and it hasn't even started. I close my eyes trying to inhale and open them and immediately I feel my heart sink. I know this feeling and I try to go back to sleep looking to see Michael in my dreams hoping his smile can fix this. Instead my heart starts beating faster I toss and turn unable to go back to sleep. The tossing and turning makes me even more uneasy and I feel my body tensing up. I feel the tears in my throat and yet they never leave my eyes. I attempt to swallow to get rid of lump in my throat but I am unsuccessful. I try to slow my breathing but my heart is still beating and eventually I give up what is the point of fighting to stay here? In this place? I'm tired. I really miss weed.

My thoughts go back and forth from racing to relaxed. I think about the fact that I could be having a heart attack then I erase that thought because I'd be dead already. I'm still here still staring at the ceiling waiting for my heart rate to go down for my thoughts to stop racing waiting for the world to just stop at this point. I blink thinking the tears should've had ample amount of time to work themselves up to my eyes, but they haven't. I turn to the side and wonder if Kayla notices me tossing and turning but I remember she just had sex. The after sex sleep always hits different. In my head I hear my favorite songs and suddenly I miss music. So much that the lump in my throat gets bigger. I try to swallow but my mouth is desert dry and I'm gasping for air, hoping to inhale breathe that will bring me back to life. I start coughing and chocking and I start to sit up. Sitting up doesn't help my coughing and I try to call for the guards. At this point I can't stop coughing and my chest is getting tight. A guard comes and he sits and watches me. I try to yell and my body humbles my words by pulling me to the ground. Kayla wakes up and tries to pat my back but my whole body is fighting itself. She starts yelling at the guard who continue to watch us with a smirk on his face.
"HELP WE NEED HELP PLEASE SOMEONE HELPPP" Kayla is yelling
"She'll be fine"
My heart rate increases and my breathing shortens I'm laying flat on the floor at this point and I start thinking about Job how God allowed him to be tested. I don't have the strength I stop fighting and I hear Kaylas voice in the distance its breaking I think shes crying. I try to raise my arm and feel my eyes roll back.