Jordans Journey

The Joy -Jay Z Kanye West

Paris and I exchanged books for the next couple of weeks. Comparing favorite characters, plot, etc. The more we hang out the more I can tell that we have the exact same mind. I never understood when people said there were such thing as friendship soulmates but she really is that for me. We're so different but yet so similar it scares me. I sometimes debate if I should start an argument between us that would force us to stop talking. I hate being attached to people because I know ultimately they will leave, they always leave. I've had bestfriends in the past and I fell out with most of them. Something stupid always happens and I just let them leave. But the thought of losing Paris is foreign to me. She has become such an important person in my life that I may just fight for her.

I put down my newest book The Mothers almost instinctively, knowing Paris will walk in during this time. She sits on the bed and goes into her usual rant about a class that I don't understand why shes forcing herself to take. Paris got in here by scamming to pay for college courses she was taking while in high school. Her family doesn't support her journey to higher education. Shes opened up to me about her childhood, her alcoholic father and her mentally unstable mother. She grew up looking out for herself and her 3 siblings. She worries about them all the time, feeling guilt for her lack of presence especially in the hands of her parents. Shes cried to me after her cousin visited and brought her younger siblings but Paris is an amazing sister. I can tell from all of their letters that they genuinely love and appreciate her shes just being too hard on herself.

She snaps me out of my thoughts.
"Jordan" I been calling you for the last 10 minutes.
"My bad you know—
"Yeah yeah you be zoning out" she mimics me
"Well you do you know"
"I know but its always when I want to say something important to you"
"Im sorry Im listening you have my undivided attention" I respond sitting upright in my bed.
"I think I'm gonna start going to counseling"
"Ohh my — I roll my eyes and she cuts me off before I can even finish
"Hear me out"
"Im not listening Paris" I lay back down and put the covers over my head
"I see myself in all of these books that we read"
"Okay and"
"And it just gave me the thought"
"None of the characters go to counseling Paris so whats your point"
"Tara did and that wasnt fictional that was a memoir"
"You and Tara are not the same Paris"
"But we experienced the same type of trauma Jordan and it forced her into a depression years after she escaped from it what if a couple years from now when I'm trying to get started on my career I fall into depression because of all my unresolved childhood traumas"
"Paris"
"Jordan I'm being serious"

I ignore her and I know this is a ploy from Kayla, anytime I don't want to do something she gets Paris to try to convince me and it never works. Kayla has been raving about counseling, every week she comes back with a new revelation on life that I probably could've told her but shes so fascinated because it was Ms.Lewis. Honestly idgaf at this point I am boycotting therapy just because. Who are they to tell me what will be good for me or not I'm not going. Right when I make up my mind its like Paris was listening into my whole thought process.

"You think Kayla put me up to this don't you"
"I don't"
"You made up your mind about not going just because we're telling you to go"
"I did no such thing"
"Wow Jordan now we lie to each other?"
"Look Paris if you wanna go go knock yourself out you Kayla and whoever else here wants to go but I'm good love please I don't need anybody telling me things about myself I already know"
"No offense Jordan but I been around you and It doesn't take a therapist to see that you would benefit from counseling"
"No offense taken because you don't know me"
"Now I don't know you"
"Not at all"
"Jordan what will it take for you to go"
"Nothing"
"I'll give you my commissary money for two weeks"
"Chill Paris thats odee"
"Jordan please"
"Why do you want me to go so bad" I snap
"I just think it will help" she says with her voice cracking
"What are you trying to say" I continue
"Nothing Jordan just try it"
"No and don't ask me again" I end the conversation by turning over in my bed and Paris leaves.

This therapist situation is actually starting to piss me off. Why is it that everyone feels they know me better than I know myself. I know I don't need that and even if I did why would I do therapy in jail.? That lady I know shes overworked thats why she dropping her papers all over the floor. She probably still has my monologue and doesnt even realize smh, I'll pass on sis. I read a couple more chapters and fall asleep soundly. The next morning after our daily morning routine Kayla tries to talk to me.

"Jordan Paris told me about you guys' fight"
"We didnt have no fight"
"Jordan we all just want whats best for you"
"Thats not for you guys to decide Kayla"
"Well we're just looking out"
"Well stop! You guys are d.a annoying at this point and just further proved what I already knew was true wtf are you getting Paris to ask me something that you want to ask me, is Paris my mother she cant make me do sh*t just like you cant make me do sh*t ya wanna go to therapy so bad go but don't press that bs on me I'm not the one" I turn over in my bed staring at the ceiling as silence fills the cell. Kayla leaves the cell and I am alone with my thoughts.

As I thought about it, there was a guilt that began to manifest and I didn't understand where it was coming from. I know I felt bad for talking to Kayla in that way, I didn't mean to curse at her at all I just got so frustrated. And Paris was she really that hurt that she called it a fight? I don't want her to think Im upset with her or Kayla. After hours of contemplating I go against my better judgement and decide to step into Ms.Lewis' office.

Getting an appointment was easy which surprised me considering how many people I knew were seeing her. I walked into the office and sat down I felt a sense of deja vu. She looked at me and smiled.
"How are you Jordan"
"I'm fine" I say plainly
"Good, good I want to apologize about our last encounter I realize I may have come off a little too strong and assumed some things that maybe I shouldnt
"Yeah you shouldnt have"
"You didnt let me finish I meant to say I shouldnt have assumed without asking more questions first"
"Mmhmm"
"Well can you tell me a little more about yourself"
"Nothing to tell" I say and immediately theres a silence that fills the room.
"Okay I will tell you a little bit about myself then"
"My name is Jasmin Lewis, I am a counselor here part time and I work at a law firm as a paralegal part time as well and I am working on pro bono cases involving young women being mistreated by the system especially those that come from broken homes"
"Interesting" I say but my tone says the opposite yet still Ms Lewis sits up in her chair.
"I have studied psychology and behavioral analysis for over 15 years and I am passionate about criminal reform"
I nod my head but again my face and body language shows no interest.
"I have been studying your case file here and I think I have a shot at getting you out of here early and expunging your record"
"Wait what?" I say confused
"Jordan I believe your unresolved past traumas triggered a response from your amygdala that would've been avoided had you been given the proper treatment and putting you in solitary confinement is the complete opposite of that. I want to build your case but you have to open up to me you have to help me help you to get out of this place you don't belong her and I want to see to it that you make it out"