Jordans Journey

Scared of Lonley -Beyonce

I wake up find myself staring at the ceiling. I don't know how many days or if its even a day that I've been in here. My brain is spinning and my body is simply going through the motions playing along. My blinks feel like eternity and I feel the weight of every inch of my body. I close my eyes surrendering myself  to the fatigue and I almost don't notice the door opening. 
"Time to go inmate"
I stood still not knowing whether it was a dream or reality.
"I'm not going to tell you again inmate"
I rose up and walked towards the gate tears streaming down my eyes. I tried to look at him and the tears clouded my vision so a part of me still thinks its a dream.
"INMATE"

He yells and I try to walk as fast as I can blinking to let the tears out so I can dry my cheeks and see clearly. I don't even remember how to navigate this place anymore and I have to be here an additional 6 months. The guard walks me back to my cell and I feel all the glares on my shoulder. Its free time so I don't have to stay in my cell but I do. Im aware of how this makes me look weak but right now I have no strength to fight with anyone. I close my eyes and go to sleep.

When I wake up I realize its lights out and immediately I regret sleeping. I have no sense of time anymore so Im not sure if they just fell asleep or if they have been sleeping. I decide to pick up one of Kaylas books that shes been begging me to read and I read until I fall asleep. When the guards yell for lights up I am surprised to not hear Kaylas usual morning cry. She instead goes straight to brush her teeth and fix her bed. I go back to reading until its time to get food. When its time to go get food I freeze, remembering that the last time I went to get food it cost me my life. Kayla looks at me as if wanting to help but something holds her back. She instead goes to get food leaving me alone in the cell. I feel the tears about to fall but I suck them in. I try with everything in me to get up but I cant. I lay back down close my eyes and go to sleep.

I'm awakened again by the sound of the guards and I think about all the silence in solitary. Any noise frightens me now. I listen closely and hear a familiar voice and realize its the warden. I don't want to come out but I want to hear what he is saying. I wait for Kayla to return to the cell. She comes in but I observe her and notice theres something off about Kayla. She seems uncomfortable like something in the room is bothering her. I scan her face to see if theres a feeling I can recognize and I see it. Its fear. Kayla is moving around the space as if shes afraid. I call out for her.
"Kayla" no answer. I try again remembering that I've been alone for so long sometimes I don't know the difference between my thoughts, a whisper and my regular voice.
"Kayla" I am careful to annunciate and articulate each syllable. Still no answer.
"Kayla" I repeat now a little louder, still no answer.
I get up from the bed to see what she is doing and find her reading.

I approach her bed and begin to ask.
"Why are you ignoring me"
Silence.
"Kayla"
"Kayla seriously? You too? You're going to turn on me after they lock me in solitary for no reason for I don't even know how long and add 6 months to my sentence"
Silence.
"Kayla"
Still nothing.
"Okay fine all I wanted to know is what the warden said thats all"
Silence.

I go back to my bed and begin reading as well. After a few chapters Kayla speaks.
"Why do you care?"
"Why do I care about what?"
"About what the warden says"
"I just want to know"
"He just said they are implementing a bunch of new recreational programs, cooking class, more ged classes, trading skills lab, counseling, arts and crafts, performance classes, coding classes and more I cant remember"
I'm confused because Kayla knows I love the arts and I like learning.
"Why wouldn't I care about that?" I turned to scan her face.
"Because you're crazy" she snapped.
"Woah, crazy can we watch that word please" Im taken aback.
"Yes Jordan you are crazy C R A Z Y crazy! I don't know how else to explain it to you. If the guards hadn't pulled you off you would've literally almost beat Jennifer to death because she ACCIDENTALLY threw a slice of bread at you. And you didnt stop there nooo you hadddd to start fighting with the guards too and now you come back here acting like a sad puppy talking about I got six months for no reason Bit..."

I stop her.
"Kayla thats enough I need you to stop all of this you know me and you know I would never do anything to jeopardize my release" My voice is cracking now and I am trying to process everything she is saying wondering if its the truth.
"No Jordan I did know you. Pre fight. But now this Jordan I don't know anymore and I have no desire to know. You know its funny we would always watch the fights start come right back here and read and even psychoanalyze these girls and say we are different. But turns out you were just like them."
"But Kayla"
"Save it Jordan"
I start to say something but the words don't escape my mouth. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling not knowing if my reality is the truth or if what Kayla is saying is truth. If I cant even trust myself, then who can I trust?