Roses [h.s]

Chapter 20

Hi, this is a long one so I won't take too much time, but just uh, there's a trigger warning for this chapter. TW for discussions of depression, attempted suicide, uh self harm, and like descriptions of a scar. idk if i forgot anything but let me know if so. otherwise, um, i'll let you get back to it.

Harry took me saying give me some time very literally. It's been three days and all I've heard from him is the occasional check in, asking how I'm going. I'm not complaining though, it has helped. A bit. I guess. I had thought I would take this time to try and figure out how I was meant to tell him, what I was meant to tell him, but instead I'd spent most of the time just not thinking. About anything.

I woke up, went to work, then came home and went back to bed. I barely slept, staying up most nights with my head empty, but still somehow feeling as though it was overflowing. If it weren't for Chloe, I would barely have eaten, but she came to my room every now and then with some snack or meal. When she did, I would make an effort to ask about her, to see how she was going, and she would indulge me and pretend that this was normal for me, because she knew that's what I wanted. But I could tell she was concerned; I could see it all over her face.

Today I have a day off, and I planned to just stay in bed, again. Usually when I have days off, I like to go into my studio, to practice or to just move, but today I haven't got the energy, or the motivation. So instead, when I wake up, I simply lie in my bed with my eyes closed, for hours. I can't deny that I'm scared. That I'm slowly slipping back, falling further and further, but each time those thoughts encroach, I push them away, almost physically force them out of my head. If I can convince myself that these are just off days, then maybe that's all they will be. The only times those thoughts truly stay out, is when I'm thinking about Harry instead.

After two days of ignoring the issue, lying on my bed well after midday today, with nothing else to distract me, has me trying to find some solution, although I barely even know what the problem is. I love Harry, I know that, but that's not an issue, because by some miracle, he loves me too. Pop star Harry, Movie Star Harry, Model Harry, Bestfriend Harry; somehow that person has fallen for this struggling dancer who always wears long sleeves, and who he hasn't talked to for several years, who also gushed to him about her first kiss when they were 14. Doesn't make sense, right?

So, the problem is not that Harry doesn't love me, it's that he does. Because him loving me means that he has fallen for this projection that I put forth. If I were to do what I really want to, which is to tell him that I love him too, then he will eventually find out the truth and then he will leave. Again. So, possible solution: tell him the truth now, to prevent future heartbreak. But how do I do that? I haven't even told Chloe, and I've been around her every day for like a year. There's no way I can ever say anything. Possible solution number two: I keep quiet, and hopefully Harry never has to know. I snort at that idea, tugging at my sleeves. I'm good at hiding things, but not that good. Uninvited tears fill my eyes, and I wonder why I feel like crying.

I take a minute to steady myself, and to fight the tears. I can't tell Harry, but I can't not tell him. What a predicament. Therefore, I resolve to just not think about it again, to avoid it as much as possible. Hopefully, Harry will keep his distance until he hears from me, and by that time, hopefully, he has to go back overseas, back to his normal life, and then we'll just be texting and calling, talking but detached. Then eventually I'll lose these feelings for him, and this will become a nonissue. That might take months, probably years, but I'm willing to play the long game if it means I won't feel so hopeless.

After laying in bed for a few more minutes, I take my blanket and wrap it around me, heading out to the kitchen to get myself a tea. I don't have the appetite for anything more, but I need something comforting and warm. Chloe is out today, she had come into my room with some toast this morning to have a chat and told me she was going on another date. I smiled for the first time in three days as she was telling me what she had planned. I'm happy for her, proud to see her happy.