After the Drift

Chapter Twenty-Six: Coming out of the Void

Life seemed to go by in a blur now. I barely spoke to anyone outside of going through the motions at work.

One day, Pentecost came up to me himself while I typed commands into the matrix.

"I'm so sorry for your loss, Ruby. How you're handling this... pain...isn't healthy. I'm afraid I'm going to take you out of operations for the time being. A spot can be opened for you when you feel more yourself...Again, I'm so sorry. She was a pin in the ass but a damn good pilot and shit stirrer." He chuckled lightly, looking at me for a reaction.

I stared blankly back. It felt like all the memories I had of Lucie were lost in a fog. I had been mad at her for some reason. Why was I so stupid? Why couldn't I have gotten it together and been her copilot. Maybe she would still be alive if I had been there. Maybe... Maybe I could have saved her?

I felt myself spiraling. My hand tightened on the edge of the keyboard.

Pentecost sighed heavily and squeezed my shoulder. "I know you're in there. I know you're hurt and confused. But don't push everyone away. We're here for you and your folks. As long as we can be."

He stood with me a few more moments until he was called over the P.A.  His face hardened and he gave me one more look before walking away.

I let out a shuddered sigh and made my way back to my suite. It felt like a cave now. I rarely turned on the light and never picked anything up.

I held a small hole that maybe somehow I would cease to exist if I just stopped doing everything. No picking up. No eating. No talking.

Just nothing.

I heard a knock on my door.

That kind of put a hole in the nothing plan.

Chuck had kept trying to reach me. He'd knock on my door, ask me how I was doing, tell me about his day and then be called away. I sat on the other side of it, tears falling down my cheeks most days.

"Darl? I know you're in here. I just missed you on the lift." He paused, probably running his hands through that pretty rust colored hair.

I blinked. That was the first time in the past few months that I could even think of a color. The works had felt grey and dismal. Like life had just seeped out, taking color and joy with it.

"Okay. I... I just wanted to tell you we're up next. And I... I wanted to let you know I care about you. I know this is hard. When my mum passed...well, I know how you feel."

I heard three little knocks on the door. "I'll see you soon, darl." I could hear him linger for a moment then begin clomping away.

My heart lurched at the thought of losing someone else to those bastard monsters. I soon found myself in my knees coughing, wheezing and crying.

Everyone I loved was on the line here. Everyone in the world was, but they were up first.

I coughed a bit more and bit down hard on my lip. I couldn't sit here and do nothing.

I gathered myself and flicked on the light. The room looked like it was ransacked. I took a shaky breath and reached for the closest thing that needed tidying. A dirty work shirt.

Well, at least it was a small step in the right direction.

                                 ——————

Mom checked in on me not a few days later. She was getting rounder every passing day.

"You... cleaned."

She stood at my door, hand resting on her bump.

"Or someone snuck in and cleaned. I'd guess Emma." She gave me a small smile.

I got up from the chair I had been studying in and ran my hand over her stomach.

"She's getting feisty in there. Moving all the time."

"She?"

Mom smiled bigger. "Found out yesterday. Seems we can only makes girls, us Blackwells." She chuckled lightly.

I smiled and ran my hand over the bump again, feeling the tiniest kick. In that moment, I felt the tiniest bit better. I wasn't alone. I was going to be a big sister.

She smiled at me again. "What're you working on? I had heard what Pentecost told you...I'm sorry we weren't there for you...it's just... your father loves you...he just can't...he..."

I took her hand and gave it a squeeze. "I know."

I turned and picked up what I had been reading.

Or rereading, rather. The journals that I now knew were published by Dr. Gottlieb had been something I obsessed over lately. Everything kaiju or Jaeger related littered my desk in a semi neat way.

I had even taken to emailing the doctor. He was pleasant to talk to and answered any questions I had. Every so often a new article would make its way to my door.

I had plans to make my way down to the labs soon.

I was going to make it my mission to know everything and put the final bullet in the beasties.

Defense was necessary, but something needed to end them.

I smiled at my mom again. "Just rereading things that remind me of better times."