Teach me (Book 1)

19 || Thoughts

Five. Five days until the attack. Five days until I am going to risk my life, Severus' life for Harry.

Doubt creeps through my mind like a parasite, slowly but surely eating me out from the inside. There is a non stop debate going on in my head and nothing seems to be able to turn it off, not dancing, not singing, not food and not even Severus' touch. Millions and millions of thoughts race through my mind every single second, it almost becomes too much to bear.

"How about I give you what you wanted yesterday." Severus whispers into my ear as he's sitting on top of me, straddling me.

I want to want it, really, but I'm not able to relax right now. I wouldn't enjoy it right now. I take a deep breath as I stare into his dark irises, what he wants is clear, nothing else but lust in there. I wring myself out from under his legs and sit up straight. His eyebrows furrow while he waits for me to speak.

"I don't feel like it." I say blankly as I shake off the bad feeling of disappointing him. He seems confused for a moment - I've never not been in the mood, so this is new to him - before a concerned look grows on his face. He moves off of me to sit down next to me and takes my hands into his.

"What's on your mind?" His velvety voice sounds like music to my ears, yet his concern only makes me feel more guilty about my plans.

I love him, I do. I love him with all of my heart. But I also still love Harry and he needs me. The risk of him losing his life in this battle is high, and it outweighs the chance of Severus being exposed for keeping me alive. They wouldn't kill him if they found out, right? Besides, Dumbledore will kill Voldemort, solving that problem. I am solely there to make sure Harry survives.

"Nothing, I'm just not in the mood right now." I say as calmly and convincingly as possible. His face twitches a bit, I can tell he's neither satisfied nor convinced about my answer.

Severus told me he would keep Harry safe. But how could he do that in the presence of multiple deatheaters? I know he won't be able to keep that promise when it comes down to it.

"I'll be in my room if you need me." I give him a small smile before climbing out of bed and making my way towards the door.

"Not so quick, y/n. I know you're not telling me something." His sharp voice makes its way across the room to me, penetrating my ears and filling my body with shivers. My gaze meets his, a flash of hurt in my eyes as reality crashes over me like a tsunami. Seeing him like this makes the thought I tried to push away float to the front of my mind. The thing that scared me the most: the possibility of a good outcome.

If Dumbledore were to defeat Voldemort, once and for all, I would be free. I'll come back to Hogwarts - to life - and continue as if nothing happened. Harry would expect me to still be his girlfriend and my parents will have questions about where I've been.

Severus and I can't continue this on the outside. I've known that for a while now but I just couldn't allow myself to think about it.

No one will accept this relationship, yes Dumbledore, but what does that matter when my parents will take me away once they hear this. I know I'm an adult and they can't force me to leave, but I don't think I'm able to choose a life without them.

My peers will certainly think I'm a freak, Amber will think I've lost my mind and Harry will think Severus brainwashed me.

My eyes scan the wizard across the room from me, eyes as dark as the night, able to make anyone cower with just one glance. His mysterious demeanor, even now that I'm so close to him, is still as intimidating as it was when I walked the halls of Hogwarts. His, now not greasy anymore as I made him wash it properly, black hair never fails to enchant me, the way it hangs around his face and brings out his beautiful facial features.