120 Blind Dates... And Other Short Stories

Bowser's Victory

You gotta give me credit, I've never done this before. I've never won one of the numerous fights against this little carpenter in the ugly red outfit and that stupid brother of his. But thanks to a rather fortunate glitch in the latest game it looks as if Mario cannot win the game against me this time. Of course, this has caused an uproar in the online fan community, and Nintendo, the company that has turned us into stars, has been flooded with letters of complaint. Some parents have even gone to the stores where they bought the game and told the poor employees that their kids want their money back.

I'm telling you, the story developer who is behind the mess must have been a fan of mine as I have neither threatened him nor blackmailed him into doing this. Although I know that my victory may only be temporary, given the fact that Nintendo has already reassured fans that they are looking into the problem and will either fix this as soon as possible or come up with a new game, it feels great that I, the bad guy, am the hero for a change.

As a matter of fact, I wanted to throw on a tuxedo and go out with Princess Peach, whom I still hold captive because this is what I do. Unfortunately, I'm a giant turtle with horns on my back, so none of the fancy designer stores I went to had a tuxedo for a guy like me. So it looks as if I have to open up my own shop with clothes that fit a plus-size guy like me. I think I'm going to call it Bowsy or something like that. I've also discovered that they don't make shoes that fit me, which is even worse than finding no proper clothes. I want to be a civilised guy and look like a winner, but if I cannot even get shoes in my size, I will still looking like a savage, no matter how much effort I put into the rest of my appearance. 

In all the interviews I have given so far, I have allowed them to shoot me from the waist up to hide this problem. Since all of the journalists who have interviewed me were true professionals who have worked with all kinds of crazy stars and are used to even crazier demands, I suppose, not a single one of them complained about this. 

I've become a popular guest in talk shows in various countries all over the world, by the way. Half of the time I don't even know what country these people are from or what language they are speaking (not mine, to be sure, but they always manage to hire a translator who does) because we do Zoom interviews. That is pretty comfortable as it means I don't have to travel or leave my ship.
 
A few days ago, I wanted to announce my upcoming nuptials with Princess Peach in an interview, but that stupid blonde refused to do the interview with me and surprise the world. I cannot remember how often I have tried to win that blonde beauty's love by simply taking her with me and how often she has rejected me and waited for Mario and Luigi to take her back home to her palace! Apparently, she still hasn't realised how much I want her to be a part of my life. Why does she want to be stuck in that palace all the time anyway? If she trusted me more, we could travel the world and the universe together, conquer a few countries and galaxies. I'm not saying that I'd love her because I'm still the bad guy here, but I'd make her my queen!

In case you're wondering, I've heard that Mario had a nervous breakdown because I'm the winner of this game. They sent him to an island in the Indian Ocean to recover, and according to the gossip that I've heard in the halls of Nintendo, they are even planning to use this story and turn his breakout from that tropical paradise into the first level of our next game against each other. As if anyone wanted to leave a place like that!