120 Blind Dates... And Other Short Stories

Flippin' A Coin

Quintus Saturnicus did not know what to do, which did not happen very often. He was the embodiment of a social climber, a decadent, obese Roman whose father had been a freedman, a fact the merchant preferred to forget along with his first and second marriages, which had been to rich widows twice his age. A man had to start somewhere, and he had never had any qualms about using other people to get ahead, no matter how many religious cult societies he and his third wife had joined after he had become one of the most famous people in the provincial town they lived in. He was, in other words, the kind of person Martial had written about half a century earlier and Lucian of Samosata, a Syrian writer, was writing about during his lifetime, but he had heard of neither of them because even though he owned a vast collection of book rolls, they sat on the shelves in his library just so that they were on display, like so many things in his life.

All in all, Quintus was mighty proud of all the things he had achieved and owned, but nothing made him more proud than his only child, the daughter his third wife had given him fourteen years before. It was perhaps for this reason that he had waited so long to promise his Regilla to anyone even though it was common to announce the engagement and even the marriage of Roman children far earlier than that.

There were a lot of noble families, really "old" families with a great history and reputation, in dire need to fresh cash, and many a pater familias did not really care where that money was coming from or whether the girl with the large dowry that a family member was supposed to marry was beautiful or - the gods forbid that - in love with the man. If parents married off their children, the young pair usually had no say in the decision.

Quintus's Regilla was the perfect match in every respect for families like that, and it did not surprise the merchant in the least that three noble families were interested in being related to him.

It felt great to be able to reject Gnaeus Rubicus' offer first. The Rubicii were the oldest family in town, which in their case also meant that they were the most arrogant people anyone had to do deal with. Gnaeus himself, who was the high priest of every cult society in town and walked around town like he was as important as Zeus, had treated Quintus like low-born dirt for years - and now it was time for payback after Gnaeus had lost two of his ships in a bad storm. 

Of course, Gnaeus did not take it well. "I think you're making a mistake. You won't find a better husband for your daughter than my Gaius!" 

"I don't think so - Your son is a rogue with a talent for running up debts. Plus he likes men more than women... and you know it!" 

Gnaeus stormed out of his office, making Quintus feel as if he had truly offended a god.

The other suitors, the young son of Lucius Ambrosius, who was an influential magistrate, and Paterculus Olbius, a young nobleman whose reputation as a great rhetor preceded him, seemed better matches than Gaius Rubicus. But it was hard to choose between both of them. 

 In the days that followed his conversation with Gnaeus Rubicus, Quintus tried to make up his mind, but he couldn't somehow. Sometimes he considered not marrying off Regilla, who was looking at him nervously all the time, at all. But that would have been a stupid decision as well, considering how much he could gain from such a match and the fact that Regilla had no siblings who could provide for her if something happened to him. 

The god Janus came to his help. He thought he had drunk too much wine at first when he saw the god with his two faces stand in front of him in his sleep. 

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I am Janus," the god said with a voice like thunder, much worse than Gnaeus Rubicus's. Both of his faces moved in a weird way as he spoke. "And I'm here to warn you that the gods shall end your daughter's life soon if you don't let her begin the next phase of her life."

Quintus was scared and horrified about the god's cruelty. "But why would the gods want to kill Regilla? Everyone loves her!"

"Don't ask why the gods do anything! We do things because we can do them," Janus said. 

"But what should I do? I don't know who will be the best husband for Regilla," Quintus argued. "Sextus Ambrosius is, well, the sixth son of Lucius Ambrosius, but I think he will be powerful because four of his brothers have already died. And as for Paterculus Olbius, he is a great man, but he isn't as powerful as Ambrosius yet, and I'd be taking a bet if I chose him." 

"Why don't you simply flip that coin that you have of me? You know, the one with my faces on the one side and my temple on the other?"

"That's a great idea!" Quintus said although he privately thought it was pretty stupid to leave such an important decision to fate. 

"This wasn't a suggestion. It was an order!" the god admonished him.

Quintus was covered in sweat when he woke up in the middle of the night. He did as he had been instructed and flipped the coin. 

Regilla was happier than he had ever seen her when he told her that she was to marry Paterculus Olbius. 

"It's great that I don't have to marry Sextus! He is a terrible bore. Paterculus is so good-looking! We shall have beautiful children!" she told her governess afterwards.