For Better Or For Worse.

* Chapter Nineteen *

Immediately sit up on the couch when I hear Ghaffar's loud stomps echoing the staircase, the echo minimizing the closer he got.

He was on a phone, with my bedroom door open I could hear him clearly. Fuming.

If I wanted excuses I would have spoken to Munira!

I don't need to hear all that.

Did she or did she not give it to you?

Who else will tell her to? Who is she training under?! Is it Lawal?!

Then why would you give Lawal my register?!

Doesn't matter now. You're on probation.

And stop calling me.

He slams his bedroom door.
I stand up immediately thinking of following him to hear what it was that happened but I stop in the hallway.

If I do I'd be throwing in the towel and I can't do that, not yet.

I sit my ass back down staring out the door.
When it comes to work things easily infuriate Ghaffar and it easily bothers him. If I don't talk to him then who will?

Not asking him about his problems got us in this mess anyway, not giving him attention got me in this mess so is doing this also risky?

Or maybe I can use this to my advantage. I'm going to make him want to tell me.

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I hear his loud footsteps, I hurriedly sit on the kitchen island reading a magazine about god knows what.

He walks in and stares at me. "You look good"

I raise my eyes and glance at him before getting back to my magazine "Thanks".

I was just wearing a plain white shirt and Jean shorts but I guess he's just trying to make conversation.

He opens the fridge looking for something.
"Are there no eggs?" he asks looking at me.

"No unfortunately the last one's you bought were all rotten".

"What?!"
I wanted to laugh, he looked betrayed. I guess this is why a woman does the shopping.

"Yeah".
He huffs "Fine" he gets a bottle of water, closes the fridge and walks out.

I forget how hard it is for him to tell anyone his problems.

I want to console him and I don't want to talk to him, how can that work?

"Ghaffar?" I call him following him out, standing in the dinning room.

"Hmm?" he asks trunking.
"What happened today?" I ask. "Rahama said things were intense for her today".

He frowns, for a moment I actually saw his eyes light up excitedly.

"Oh. That's why you're asking" he says disappointedly. It broke my heart but it's his fault so fuck my heart and its feelings right now because my sanity matters more.

"Why else?"
"Because I was the one under all the fire" he huffs "Just ask her, I'm in no mood to talk about it" he says boredly.

He didn't sound like he was in the mood so I just stayed quiet and watched him walk away.

I stood there staring at the door he just walked out of.

Hauwa said I was exaggerating but she doesn't know how painful it is to know you don't matter to someone you'd lay your life down for. But it hurts more to pretend you don't care, it hurts more to pretend he doesn't matter anymore and it hurts more to see him hurting badly.

I've never been a strong person, I've always been emotionally weak and honestly trying to be something other than who I am is the most difficult thing I have ever done.

I'm tired.
Screw my feelings.

Screw everything.

Screw Ghaffar!

.

I open the door and see him lying down on the couch.
"I told you to ask Rahama yourself if you're so interested".

I scoff "It didn't happen to Rahama. It happened to you and you're the one feeling miserable".

He sits up staring at me hopefully.
"I look miserable?"

I smile "It's obvious". I say standing in front of him.

"Does this mean you forgive me?"
"What happened?"

"My mind has been occupied lately, I can't think or do anything without you. I gave in the register without going through it and you know how those people are".

"I'm sorry, I know how much you cherish your position there".

He scoffs "Is there any point of having the position if you're not with me? That was why it hurt me so much when you lost your job carelessly. That was the highlight of my day, going home with you" he huffs "I loved waiting in the car... Watching you walking out of the building struggling with your folders".

He laughs "I might sound like a creep but you looked cute. That was how we met and I wanted to remember how twisted our relationship was back then, I'd always laugh alone in my office like a mad person. So today.....today reminded me that once again I'm alone there. No one to comfort me when I fail a project or celebrate with me when I get a project".

"I always got sad when you'd just watch me struggle when I come out. I thought you didn't care".

He stays quiet staring at the wall blankly.
"I always tried to forget what your mother told me the day we got married".

He raises his head and looks at me.
"This relationship is toxic, especially for you. Ghaffar will never have the same feelings you desire. I felt she just said it because she didn't like me but I was wrong it might actually be true".

"No. This relationship isn't toxic, you and I aren't toxic. We're just drawn to the toxin"

"Our relationship is the toxin"

We both didn't want to admit it but it's brighter than ever, the truth.

But can I live without him?
This might be the worst mistake of my life.

"I'm sorry I took your feelings for granted. I was a fool to think I was happy because I made myself happy. Its not work that I was excited for every morning.....it was the thought of you and I against all those gossips at work".

I stand up. "The solution is clear".

He looks at me confused.

"Let's just end it".

"End what?" he asks camly.

"This marriage".

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