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√ 𝐘𝐄𝐎𝐍𝐇𝐖𝐀:
My room feels rather cold once I enter. It makes me shiver and goosebumps instantly appear on my skin. I rush to turn of the fan in my room and rub my hands on my arms to feel warm.
Today was the last day of tutoring. I can't explain how relieved I am that I am done with semi-awkward afternoons at Jaehyuns house.
My mind instantly goes back to the day Jaehyun confessed. I thought he was just not sure about his confession. But the more that I spent time with him, the more I realized that he actually did like me. Which is probably why I felt awkward. It was obvious. The way his behavior changed gave it away. He was more careful around me to not get on my nerves. I guess I just didn't want to believe it.
I quickly take a shower and get ready for the night. I slip into some comfortable pajamas and literally collapse on my bed. I feel myself become tired by the second. For a minute, I think about repositioning myself so if I fall asleep I wouldn't be uncomfortable. As per usual, my laziness doesn't let me and I stay in place. My eyes close and a huge sigh leaves my mouth.
At least being his partner at school isn't that bad.
This whole time, I avoided thinking about feelings and Jaehyun as much as I could. My realization was that I for sure didn't like Jaehyun. I'm just slightly interested. So to avoid giving him mixed signals, I tried my best to act normal.
Slight interest for me only means that I recognize how attractive he is and that maybe I like how attractive he is. It's all about the face. Nothing more. I'll keep it as superficial as it is for my own sake.
Though, the one thing that has bothered me is the kiss I shared with Jaehyun. Why did I do that?
I thought I could brush it off as just another regular kiss but every time I think about it, it becomes so obvious. He's liked me for a while. I just didn't want to accept his confession as a genuine one from the start.
The more I thought about that, the more I realized that I really am the one making everything more complicated by being so unsure all the time. At least it feels complicated to me. I mean, I thought I was developing feelings then I supposedly lost feelings and now I'm just interested. What is it that I really want and why can't I just be straightforward about it like I am with everything else?
"Jung Jaehyun sucks," I tell myself even though I know that I suck too.
It's moments like these where I wish I had a mom. Maybe she could help me get through my confusion. As much as I love my dad, I just can't ask him about boys. It's weird and awkward. If only my mom could tell me what to do.
Mom.
My heart aches. Dad doesn't speak about her. We both agreed not to bring her up unless it's necessary. She took away the unconditional love of a mother that I could've felt. She built a whole life with my dad, only to run away when the hardest part came.
Being a mother was scary to her. I pushed her away. I forced her to disappear. Thinking about that makes me angry. I wish I didn't cause her to leave. My dad told me that I was only 2 when she left. I don't remember her at all. Sometimes I get sad and wish she never left. Then I think about the heart she broke and the family she let down. Suddenly I get angry again.
After that day, my dad removed any and all pictures hanging on the walls of our house with her in them. I get curious sometimes and wish he had left some out. He's asked me before if I would like to see her. I always tell him no. I wouldn't want to get attached to a face I don't even remember. The face of the woman who abandoned me.
☽༓☾
The next morning, I find myself running to school. I woke up late. I couldn't sleep last night as much as I tried to. This little boy named Jaehyun was giving my head a hard time.
Upon entering the classroom, I notice him sitting at his desk, his body slouched down on those very uncomfortable chairs that unfortunately lead to the best naps of your life.
I stride through the classroom quietly while trying to catch my breath and find my desk. I've made it just 8 minutes before class starts. As I sit down, I say hi to Jaehyun and he completely ignores it. I give him a nasty look which I know he cant see but who cares. I start taking out all my materials for class from my backpack. It's once I'm done with organizing everything that Jaehyun pays attention to me.
"Don't say anything. Just listen." Jaehyun stares at me intensely before continuing. "I want to start over with you. I know you don't like me and you don't have a reason to because of the way I am but also because of my history-"
"No," I say very sternly.
He looks at me completely confused. "You didn't let me finish. What do you mean no?"
"No."
His eyes become tainted with pain and confusion, so he asks me with a very low voice, "can you please explain?"
The corners of my lips lift up into one of my nicest smiles and it becomes visible that this bothered him.
"Well, I think I know enough about you. But I'm willing to learn more, if that's something you want. I hate fresh new starts when there's nothing new to explore. So let's just carry on how we normally would."
Still bewildered, he drawls out, "So you're completely fine with the version of me that you met?"
"You are absolutely crazy and weird. To top it off, you're an asshole who can't function without his dick. But no, I don't completely mind you."
He laughs with me and then looks at me with curiosity in his eyes.
"Let's try something different then," he says, pausing for a brief moment. "How about this: why don't you go on some dates with me? Let's start all that flirty pre-relationship stuff. If you don't end up liking me back, I'll gladly accept it and move on. I just can't give up right now. I have some hope. I completely understand if you're not even slightly interested in this. But this is my final attempt. I promise I'll leave you alone after this. I won't bother you again. I can even ask to be switched from this seat. So just let me know. Don't answer me right now, I'm not ready to hear what you have to say yet."
I blink a couple types as if I was lagging in real life. Dates with Jaehyun? That's almost as bad as thinking about ice cream right now. Yet, I can't help but be curious.
With a shrug, I say, "sure, why not."
Jaehyun takes a glance at me. Eyes wide, mouth dropped to the floor, and he definitely wasn't breathing.
"Are you being serious?"
My expression gives off hints of sassiness as I say, "yeah."
