Shades of Starlight (Hiatus)

Book Two: Chapter Twenty

Sophie wanted to be alone to try to remember more after that, so Keefe and I left after quickly giving Grady a rundown on Councillor Terik and how we had definitely, absolutely not said anything that could get us arrested. I insisted that Keefe took a shower, so we leaped back home, which, fortunately, was empty.

Somehow, Keefe was able to distract me that entire afternoon. He told me all about how, for some reason, Silveny was in love with him. Though I entirely disapprove of his nickname for her, Glitter Butt, I was happy that Silveny liked another person. That meant that she was improving, becoming more trusting of elves.

Before bed, we hailed Sophie to see if she'd found anything. She hadn't, but she said that she'd hail us in the morning to tell us if she'd remembered anything then. Sleep was a hard time coming that night. I knew that I'd have to face everyone at school, everyone who was so unaware of how the lives of the Vackers, Keefe, Sophie, and I had been flipped upside down.

How could humans cope with these losses, having such short, insignificant lifetimes? How could they experience this grief every day after one of their loved ones passed on, carrying on with their lives as if nothing had happened?

I felt as if the world was crashing down around me, a constant rushing in my ears and an endless voice in my head, repeating 'all your fault, all your fault'. How could I have failed everyone like this? I was so sure that I would find the answer to bring Alden back, but I would never. Nobody would find the answer. We had found nothing that would help him.

A boy who disappeared could never lead to the cure for Alden's broken mind. I was silly to have been excited about Sophie remembering anything, this boy, whoever he was, wasn't useful in our search. What we needed was for Sophie to remember something important, like...I didn't know. I had expected some tell-all answer, something that would just automatically fix everything and revert to how it all had once been.

I woke Keefe up time after time that night, to the point where he insisted on staying up with me so his beauty sleep would just be nonexistent instead of constantly interrupted. I brought Stormy and a few of my fluffiest pillows to his room, where he introduced me to the gigantic secret pantry stuffed with snacks that he had somehow built (or gotten someone to build, more likely) in the wall. It was... incredible. We talked and talked for hours about anything and everything, from friends to grades to pet care, eating way too much junk food.

At some point, we stumbled on the topic of Alden. But not Alden now, Alden days, weeks, months, and years before. I wished that I hadn't taken for granted the way he had been there for us every step of the way on every journey for as long as we could remember. The good, the bad, and the everyday. When we'd escaped our parents lecturing us, when we'd just wanted to see Fitz and Biana. He was always there, in the background, smiling and offering kind words.

Whether we needed him, whether we didn't, he was always just one hail or one leap away. His smile and good attitude could always be counted on. Keefe and I had hundreds of stories of him, the little things and the big ones. Special events and normal life. We had seen him almost every day for years and years. He might as well have been our father. I'd much rather have him as our dad than our actual father. I wished I could have the same relationship with Lord Cassius as I'd had with Alden, but they were simply two different people. One strict, one kind. One critical, one complimentary. One cold, one warm. One imposing, one respectable. One here... one gone forever.

Eventually-and seemingly impossibly, considering how hopped up on sugar I was-I fell asleep, numb to this way of thinking. I didn't dream, thankfully. I was afraid that if I did, it would be nightmares until morning. Or had it been morning already? I hadn't checked the time at all that night. It was entirely possible I'd only slept for minutes, which was what I felt like when I woke up. Keefe was already awake and looked like he hadn't slept at all.

He was staring into space, his eyes on another planet entirely. Maybe one where Alden was still with us. Maybe one where everything was perfect and we were all happy. I brushed those thoughts away. I was done crying over the past. Right now, I needed to face the future.

"Keefe? You okay?" I asked, shaking his shoulder. He blinked a few times, his eyes unfocusing and refocusing. He shook his head vigorously, took a deep breath, then opened his eyes wide and almost...excited. I gave him a strange look.

"Never better."

"Uh... okay... have you hailed Sophie yet?" I asked, stretching out my arms.

"No. But I don't think she's remembered anything."

"I mean, yeah, but... shouldn't we try?" I was a little taken aback by his attitude, some weird mixture of cheer and depression.

"I guess," he shrugged. I stood up.

"Okay, clearly, you're in a weird mood, so I'm gonna go get ready, and we can meet Sophie at school, okay?"

"Mhhmmmkay," he mumbled, closing his eyes. I paused with my hand on the doorknob.

"Did you get any sleep last night?"

"Definitely... not..." he yawned. "I saw you fall asleep like... three hours ago? Or maybe six..." My brother got very slow and confused when he was tired or sleep-deprived. I could usually function okay, but he could not. I opened the door, turning my back to Keefe. He'd be fine. He would probably pass out and get about an hour of sleep now, we had a while until school started.

I debated wearing green accessories, the Elvin color of mourning, but decided against it. I didn't want anyone asking me hard questions, and they'd find out soon enough anyway. So I dressed normally as if nothing was wrong. Adelow, my angel savior from heaven, taught me how to hide the fact that I'd barely slept. I'd struggled with insomnia in the past, but Mother always gave me sleeping pills, so I'd never had this problem.

After feeding Stormy and making breakfast for myself, I noticed how quiet the house was. There were no footsteps, no doors slamming shut, the Vortinator hadn't been used in hours. My parents still weren't home, then. I didn't really mind. Nobody to yell at Keefe or me, then.

I went back to Keefe's room and found him, as I'd predicted, asleep on the floor. Unfortunately, there wasn't time to prank him or to let him sleep. Foxfire Orientation would start in just ten minutes.

"Keefe? Keefe, wake up." I gently shook his shoulders until his eyes fluttered open.

"No. I want to sleep," he stated, in a perfectly level voice, and closed his eyes again. I tried not to laugh as I opened his pantry and handed him a pastry.

"Eat this, and then we have to go to school. Don't you want to see Sophie?" I asked knowingly.

"Well, yeah, but... sleep... oh, fine. Get out so I can change, okay?"

Smiling, I left and took the Vortinator up to the Leapmaster to wait for Keefe. It didn't feel like a morning full of possibilities. But I was about to find out if it was.

A/n: so... you've probably noticed how I've been writing a lot of sad. And the sad is... sad. Well at least, it makes ME sad. Maybe you guys are immune to my bEaUtIfUlLy written, so-in-touch-with-emotions internal guilt trip/depression. I don't know. Buuuut I'm done with that. I mean, the funeral/planting is coming up but... not toooo much more sad. Cool? Cool. Thx for reading :D also sorry for not posting yesterday, I'm trying to get back in the habit of posting every day.