Darkness

Episode after episode

"Angel get the fuck up!" I hear as I get whacked with a pillow.

I roll over away from the incredibly exasperated girl standing in my room ruining my sleep. Well, nightmare, the same one that had consumed every thought I had over the last few weeks. The only memory, the only thought I've had since his death. Waking up was the worst nightmare of them all. And then she hits me again, harder.

"What! I'm awake, I swear." I manage to choke up.

"Good afternoon love, do you fancy getting the fuck out of bed so we can go to your party?" Scar said in the most patronizing tone.

The joys of being 18, every girl including my best friend was obsessed with going out into the town for the night. Instead of spending their youth with their friends, enjoying the night they decide to cope with their issues by getting absolutely wasted and then wake up with a killer hangover. Who would want to miss out on that?

"What time is it?" I ask, slowly getting up in search for my phone.

"5pm and oh by the way it's Saturday" She responds.

"Saturday?"

"Yeah dumbass, Saturday the 1st of September" she says while aggressively opening my draws most likely in search of a provocative dress.

"Shit" I mumble as I put my pillow over my head to block out the noise aggravating me. My thoughts.

I could feel her eyes on me, not knowing where else to look. The room radiated empathy, what a disgusting emotion. I could never understand the guilt people felt on a regular basis. Her silence was vexing and as if she could read my mind.

"Look since A..." she began.

I shot up, staring into her soul. If looks could kill this girl would've died a thousand times in that split second.

"No." I paused unable to think of an excuse to avoid the conversation that would hurt me even more, "We're not doing this. I'm fine. I'm awake. Let me get dressed."

Rolling out of bed, I manage to make my way to the shower stepping on clothes and empty water bottles. Cleaning my room was the least of my problems, all I could think about was how much money I had missed out on with the job how many people I could've helped instead of allowing my self-pity swallow me whole.

Appreciating Scar's efforts to help me was definitely something I should work on, she stuck around for this long and yet my lack of emotions and remorse never once benefited her.

Although she did try to talk to me, rudely I turned up my speaker blasting the first thing that came onto my Spotify.

Moments pass as I finish up, drying my long silver hair in a towel. After rummaging through the laundry basket I find my low waisted black jeans and a tight black top that cut off at the bicep so my tattoos showed making me more intimidating.

Staring into the mirror I notice the clothes cling to my fragile figure, my eyes were dull and I looked like a ghost. Ignoring the clear implication of the restless nights, I leave the bathroom in search of anything to fix the state of me. Scar's eyes follow me across the room as I apply black under eyeliner and mascara.

"I didn't realise eyes could last on this long on such perfection" I assert.

She smirks at my arrogance, it's impossible to stay mad at me.

"Is the infamous manic god complex coming through already?" she asks.

Her smile slowly drifts from her face, ignoring her tension I put my 6 inch heels on and grab my leather jacket.

"You look hot." I state, smiling at her as if that would make her forgive me for everything. Staring at her similar outfit choice and wavy brown hair covering half of her face, "Put it up, you're gorgeous. Need to let everyone we see acknowledge that."

"Compliments aren't going to avoid the conversation we need to have." She declares, trying to keep her voice calm.

"Angel you can't just ignore the depressive episodes."

"Oh no I can, you won't." I respond, not daring to hide the anger in my voice.

"I've known you for years, it's never been this bad." She asks, pausing again clearly avoiding something that would upset me.

If you know I won't react pleasantly, why continue to say it? I'm assuming she's re-thinking her choice of words and yet she finished.

"Have you considered going back onto medication?"

"Why take pills to numb my emotions when I'm heartless enough as it is?" I say, not hiding my sarcasm, anything's better than the attitude I have when I speak.

"That's not the point of them. You do loads of other crappy drugs, why is this one so hard to take?" she asks.

Interrogation by the police was one thing but by Scar you had to be careful how you responded. Having a monotone response was the easiest way to deal with it but I was in no mood to take the easy option.

"Uh because they aren't fun." I chuckle, as if she would understand the different highs like I did.

"You can't bring him back so why don't you..."

"What the fuck is your problem?" I cut her off knowing this would cause a huge problem, but that would be up to the future me to fix.

"There's no nice way to put it." She utters, avoiding my eyes.

"Yeah no shit which is why I said we aren't having this conversation." I yell.

"Get over it, he was going to betray us." She yells in response, taking me back a bit in shock to her being so blunt.

"At least he knew how to deal with my bipolar ass and was more helpful than you ever could be." I snap.

I knew my temper was bad, but screaming at her was something I refused to do. Being in control was the way I dealt with everything, especially my emotions, as a control freak it should've been easy.

I had no control over my emotions.

I had no control my actions... I had no control over his.

Without another word or even a slight glance, I left my room, strutting through our loft trying to avoid the tears that filled my eyes like they had done repeatedly these past few weeks. I grabbed my helmet and keys and just like I had done a thousand times before.

I walked out of the door.

I walked away from my problems.

I just walked away.

As if nothing happened.

Nothing felt better than the smoke filling your longs, as if it was a key fitting perfectly in a lock. Filling the air I no longer wanted to breathe, I took my last toke and exhale. Revved the engine to my black BMW S1000rr and rode as far away as quickly as possible into the night.