Deathbeds

Forgiving Rollins

"Okay, thanks for the update."

She waved at me, signaling to come in, then hung up the phone.

"Patton didn't have a heart attack. They say it was 'anxiety'." She said, obviously not believing him. I couldn't blame her, I didn't either.

"So the trial will continue." I shrugged. What was the issue?

"Well, I don't know about that..Will you Close the door for a sec?"

I froze for a second. Last time I got called in, she almost transferred me. I turned to the door and closed it before walking back to her.

"Amanda, what Patton did to you, you've been pushing down for years and if you don't deal with this now, it's going to keep you trapped, or more stuck than it already has."

I paced. I don't like talking about this..

"Ok." I said automatically, hoping this would get to her to change the subject.

"You have an opportunity here. "

I looked to the floor. I felt exposed.

"I've gone through it.." I looked at her.
"You're only as sick as your secrets, and-and I'm going to meetings.."

"Yeah. For gambling." She started to stand up.

"I know you don't like feeling sorry for yourself, I get it, but can you go back to that Detective that you were five years ago, and feel compassion. For her?" Her eyes locked with mine and I inhaled and tried to avoid eye contact. My heart was beating fast and I wanted to leave.

I shrugged and hesitated. My stomach was churning.

"I walked into it.. You know, I put myself into that position.." I shook my head.

"You have got to stop blaming yourself."

I looked away.

'It doesn't matter, I blame myself for everything anyways..' I thought.

"Amanda, you can move past this.."

She talked with her hands and looked me in the eyes. I loved when she talked with her hands..

"I'm okay." I lied, and smiled.

She looked at her desk and smiled disbelievingly.

She pushed her chair away from her desk. "Look, I know you think therapy is paying people to talk about your problems-"

"I shouldn't have said that to you." Guilt coursed through me. 'Shit' I thought.

"..Then make it up to me." She stepped closer, and pulled out a business card. "I want you to see my therapist." She held out the card. I read 'Dr. Lindstrom' across the top.

I shook my head.

"I'm not seeing your therapist-"

"It's just for a referral. I know he has time later today. I'm going to tell him that you're going to call." She stepped closer to me. I could smell her perfume. I wanted to kiss her right there. She made me feel happy even when she doesn't realize it. I can't lose her, She was staring into my eyes, but with concern. I hate pity.. She held out the card again, and I took it. Our fingers brushing against each other.

I looked down at the card and then her face.

"Okay sergeant.." I smiled.

She inhaled and smiled. Our eyes locked for a moment before I came at her and hugged her, tight. Tears threatened to spill as she wrapped her arms around me.

I pulled away immediately, regretting my decisions.

"I-I'm sorry I just-"

"Don't be, Amanda." She smiled.

I laughed softly and looked into her eyes.

"Now, I'm going to drive you to his office around eight. I'll see you at seven. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, I guess. You know my address right?"

"Yes, I do." She smiled. "I'm glad you're taking a step forward about this."

I glanced to the floor again. I was blushing. "Uh..Yeah. Thanks." I said quietly. After a moment I walked out and continued to my desk to work on DD5s. I kept replaying what happened in my head and caught myself smiling.

~Later that night~

I brushed on my eyeliner expertly and glanced at the time. '6:37' I've got to hurry, I thought to myself. I finished my makeup and looked up and down myself.

I had winged eyeliner with a smoky eye and natural makeup for the rest of my face. The usual, bronzer, to highlight my cheekbones and Chapstick. My hair was down and its natural blonde waves. I smiled and felt butterflies in my stomach, only to have them killed in half a second.

Olivia was straight as an arrow. Me liking her wasn't going to do me any good. I'll end up hurt, like I always do. She's dated David, from what I've heard from whispers around work, and there was Cassidy, but then again she could be thinking the same. With me dating that asshole Nate.. God that was embarrassing. Him admitting he had sex with me, and cheated in front of a jury, in front of Olivia, me crying..

I decided to continue with extra paperwork to keep my mind off of overthinking until I heard a knock on my door..