Red Vs Blue, & there's Magenta: Season One

Chapter 3 The Rookies

The duo of Reds stood atop the base.

Simmons: Hey, that's not exactly what happened.

Grif: You said, "I'm not going to the Vegas Quadrant." And next thing I know you're in an escape pod heading right f-

Suddenly, a soldier in red armor walked onto the base and approached them.

?: Excuse me, uh, sirs?

The two immediately turned around.

Grif: Sirs? Aw crap.

?: I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost #1 and speak to whoever's in charge.

Grif: Sorry man, Sarge is at command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today.

Simmons: Actually private, he left me in charge while he's gone.

The three turned as a fourth person arrived on the roof.

Ruby: Actually, he left me in charge, Simmons.

The orange soldier turned to Simmons.

Grif: You are such a kissass.

Ruby: Just so you two know, he gave me full permission to put bullets in your crotches should you cause any trouble.

The three men shivered. The magenta soldier then turned to the rookie.

Ruby: Oh hi, I'm Ruby. It's nice to meet you!

The rookie saluted her.

?: Private Donut reporting for duty, ma'am. I'm ready to fight some aliens.

Grif: Couple things here rookie. First off, Private Donut? I think someone needs a new nickname.

Ruby: Don't be mean!

Grif gulped under her glare.

Grif: S-Secondly, what's with that armor color?

Donut: This is the standard issue red.

Grif: Yeah I know. Listen, only two kinds of people wear standard issue red: officers and recruits. Since you aren't trying to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer.

Ruby: Grif. . . .

The magenta soldier raised her SMG.

Grif: S-Sorry ma'am!

He backed up. Meanwhile, Donut turned to Simmons.

Donut: He's wearing red armor.

Simmons: No, my armor is maroon. Your armor is red.

Donut: Well, how do I get a different color armor?

Ruby: I spray painted mine.

Simmons sighed.

Simmons: I bet the Blue's don't have to put up with this kind of crap.

He squeaked as Ruby loaded her SMG!

*With the Blues*

Church and Tucker stood before a battle tank and were left in awe of its majesty while another soldier in standard issue blue stood near them.

Caboose: So I say to the guy, "How are you gonna get the tank down the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship." And I go, "If you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"

Tucker: Hey kid?

Caboose: Yeah?

Tucker: You're ruining the moment. Shut up.

Caboose: Oh, okay. You got it, man.

Tucker went back to admiring the tank with Church.

Church: You know what? I could blow up the whole goddamn world with this thing.

*With the Reds*

Simmons: Alright, Private Donut, here's the deal.

Grif: I just refuse to call him Private D-

He immediately shut up when their magenta babysitter made sure there was a bullet in the chamber of her magnum.

Simmons: We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?

Ruby sighed at their antics.

Ruby: I'm going inside. Welcome to Red Team Donut!

Donut: Bye ma'am!

The two waved at each other as Ruby went inside. Donut then turned to Simmons.

Donut: Anyways, absolutely!

Simmons: We need you to go to the store and get two quarts of elbow grease.

Grif: Yeah and, uh, pick up some. . . headlight fluid for the puma, too.

Donut: The what?

Simmons: He means the Warthog.

Grif: You do know where the store is, right rookie?

Donut: What? Uh-Yeah! Yeah, of course I do! Sure, no problem.

Simmons: Well, get going then.

Donut turned and began heading towards the east edge of the roof.

Grif: Other way.

Donut: I knew that. Just gotta turn around, that's all.

He did a one-eighty and set off.

Simmons: How long until you think he figures out there's no store?

Grif: I'd say. . . at least a week.

They watched as Donut became smaller as he distanced himself from them.

Donut: Elbow grease? How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to the nice lady and the sergeant.

The rookie continued onwards towards the nonexistent store.

*With the Blues*

The cyan and cobalt soldier were still admiring their tank.

Tucker: You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece. Dibs on the Red's girl.

Church: Oh man listen to you, what are you going to do with two chicks? Hell, one of them is an enemy.

Tucker: Church, women are like Voltron. The more you can hook up, the better it gets.

The Blue team's leader just sighed.

*With The Reds*

Still atop the base, Simmons turned to Grif.

Simmons: You think that we were too mean to that kid?

Ruby: I do!

They heard Ruby yell from within the base.

Grif: Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliff for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?

Unfortunately, Donut did not stumble across the store. . . . He stumbled across the Blue Base.

Donut: Finally, there it is! Oh sweet, they sell tanks!

The poor rookie sprinted towards the enemy base. . . .