Red Vs Blue, & there's Magenta: Season One

Chapter 16 A Slightly Crueler Cruller

Donut: Ah man! Command thought I did such a good job with taking the Blue's flag they gave me my own armor color!

The three privates of Red Team were on the base's roof.

Grif: Uh. . . Hey Donut?

Donut: What?

Simmons: About your armor. . . .

Donut: What about it?

Simmons: How do I put this? Your armor is um. . . It's a little um. . . . Grif, you, uh, wanna help me out here?

Grif: It's pink! Your armor is frickin' pink!

Simmons: Yeah, that's it. Pink.

Donut: Pink! My armor isn't pink!

Grif: PINK.

Simmons: Yeah, definitely pink.

Donut: You guys are color blind. Why would they give me pink armor?

Grif: Hey, don't ask don't tell.

Simmons stifled a laugh.

Simmons: That's not funny.

Grif straight up laughed.

Grif: It's a little funny.

Donut: Look at it, it's not pink. It's like Uh. . . A lightish red.

Grif: Guess what? They already have a color for lightish red. You know what it's called? Pink.

Donut: I hate you guys.

Sarge and Lopez then approached them.

Sarge: Well hello, dirt bags.

He then looked at Donut.

Sarge: And a fine hello to you madam.

Donut: It's light red!

Sarge: Don't get your panties in a wad there Barbie. Do you have a package for me?

Donut: Yes sir.

Sarge: Excellent.

Donut: They said this speech unit would work with Lopez.

Grif: Speech unit?

Donut: Here you go.

Sarge: Affirmative. Command was out of speech modules when I started building Lopez. But once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent, other than Ruby, to talk to. No offense, Simmons.

Simmons: Don't worry sir, I know who you meant.

Grif: Wait a second, Lopez is a robot?

Simmons: Of course he is. You didn't notice that he never talks?

Grif: I just thought that he was a really quiet guy.

Sarge: And the fact that sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention?

Grif: Well, I- uh, did think the motor oil thing was a bit odd. I just thought he was trying to impress me.

Simmons: Hey sir, you really should ground yourself before handling that card.

Sarge: How come?

Simmons: The static could damage the card.

Sarge: Come on, that's urban legend they use to sell those stupid bracelets.

Simmons and Grif looked at each other with concern.

Sarge: And I supposed pop rocks and soda're gonna make my stomach blow up!

Sarge activated it shocked him!

Sarge: YOW!!!

Simmons: Sir, I won't say I told you sir, sir.

Sarge: Grif, I'd hate to make strawberry shortcake here my new favorite private.

Donut: It's not pink. It's lightish red!

Grif: I thought Ruby was your favorite.

Sarge: She's not a private! Just a surprisingly cunnin' civilian.

They got back to the task at hand.

Donut: So, what happened to me, anyway? I recall something about a spider on my head?

Grif: Right, that was a grenade.

Donut: Last thing I remember was a loud bang, and then Simmons fainting.

Grif: Ha! Told you so!

Simmons: I did not faint.

Meanwhile, Sarge finished installing Lopez's speech module.

Sarge: Done and done. Lopez, activate speech unit!

Something in Lopez clicked on.

Lopez: (Spanish) Good morning, and thanks for activating my speech function. I am model number 01011348823.

Donut: Am I the only one not understanding any of this?

Lopez: (Spanish) My name is Lopez.

Grif: Lopez! He just said Lopez! I understood that, I speak Spanish!

Sarge: Lopez, speak English!

Lopez: (Spanish) My english processor has malfunctioned, I only speak Spanish.

Simmons: Huh, I think you shorted out his speech unit with the static, sir.

Sarge: Maybe princess peach here picked up the wrong model.

Donut: Seriously dude, for the last time, not pink.

Sarge: Lopez, I order you to speak a language we understand.

Lopez: Negative.

Sarge: Well, this is just dandy. Lopez, how, do, we, fix, your, speech, unit?

Grif: Why are you taking so slow? He understands us just fine. Maybe you should try listening slower.

Sarge: Lopez, would you like to shoot Grif?

Lopez: (Spanish) Yes sir, thank you.

The robot lifted his gun and aimed.