inclination; on hold

he didn't understand how i felt ~ niniola

sza - good days
"good days in my mind, safe to take a step out, get some rest now, got me bummed out..."

frustrated with my own illogical actions, i let out a heavy sigh. despite the situation, i knew i was out of line.

but what leo's doing isn't going to work, it's like he doesn't understand me at all. violence, threats and force weren't going to make me love him, in fact it was counterproductive.

maybe i should try and talk to him, maybe explain things to him whilst he's clear headed.

deciding to give him some time, in the meantime i was scrolling through instagram in awe of the gorgeous vacations everyone seems to be enjoying.

jealousy washed over in waves as i think over my miserable situation. it feels like i've met an entirely different person.

this wasn't the leo that would come pick me up after uni track meets and congratulate me for a win.

it wasn't the same leo who would rub reassuring circles into my back whenever things didn't go as planned.

instead, it's someone else. lost in thought and feeling tears come up, i wipe my eyes slightly before noticing a sound.

looking outside, it seemed that nighttime had set and leo emerged from his room with a stern expression.

his eyes softened for a moment whilst looking at me, but quickly hardened to their familiar state.

"were you crying?" he asks, with what i presume to be a fake degree of care. it makes no sense for my tormentor to suddenly care.

"you don't care, so why ask?" i say, completely blank.

it's always about what he wants and never my needs and desires. i refuse to believe i'm stuck with such a selfish man.

"niniola, you are the only person i love. i hold you close to my heart and want you to be with me all the time. i'm selfish, but i get what i want. i want you safe with me and i won't let anyone take that from me." he says, ranting on in his usual delusional manner.

"can you just stop? leave me alone, i don't wanna do this right now." i respond, fed up.

i fake a yawn and stretch my arms, then begin heading to my bedroom. i'm stopped by leo's arms yet again.

i snap.

"CAN YOU FUCKING STOP?" i scream, at the top of my lungs.

"LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, CANT YOU SEE IM NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR DELUDED ASS?" i continue, slightly short of breath.

he punches the wall, a couple of inches left to my face, then grips my wrist tightly.

it's uncomfortable as he drags my hand towards his side of the apartment, never loosening his grip.

"just go to sleep." he says, in a no nonsense tone.

already resigning to my fate, i slide into the bed and build a wall with pillows in case he plans on sleeping beside me.

he removes his shirt and trousers, then slides into bed, not before throwing my wall of pillows to the floor.

i respond with a hmph, but am too tired to even attempt to fight him right now.

"what's the big deal? it's not like we haven't slept together before." he asks, with a pestering smirk.

"leo, can you stop, i'm not in the mood." i say, sternly.

seeming to give up, he reaches further under the cover to wrap his hands around my waist and pull me closer to his bare chest.

to say that i couldn't feel his rock hard muscles against my back would be a blatant lie.

within moments, i feel sleep overcome me slowly and succumb to the poisonous man sleeping with me in his arms.

a peaceful dream is dreamt for me, as i wake up to the feel of the sunlight on my body. i sometimes forget that leo's room has the fancy outdoor view, which also allows lots of sunlight in.

his arms are still wrapped tightly around my body, allowing little to no wiggle room at all.

i slowly move his arms attempting to release his claw like grip, but fail miserably.

it seems my movement also stirred leo, as he wakes up from his slumber.

"good morning, babe." he says, with a sultry deep tone.

"good morning." i respond, politely.

i get out of his embrace and begin preparing myself for the day, then mixing up some batter for pancakes.

he was using his en-suite bathroom, whilst i was preparing a breakfast for us both.

if i was petty and logical enough, i probably shouldn't have made enough for two.

regardless of our issues (if you can call it that), i decide out of the kindness of my heart to cook a delicious meal.

as i dish up the pancakes, he emerges out of his room shirtless.

yet again.

"i told you to stop walking around shirtless." i say, lacing some humour into my tone.

"you know my washboard abs are my best quality..." he says, with a bright smile.

"pretty smile." i say, more to myself.

"anyways, i wanted to talk to you about our arrangement. i thought that maybe we could start hanging out as friends and go the conventional route to more, if we both want to." i say, running through last night's thoughts.

i tried to say this in a way that wouldn't trigger him to do something rash.

"as friends? will you be seeing other people?" he asks, already revealing his possessiveness.

"i won't see anyone, since you'll probably kill them or something. also, please do not kill people in front of me, i don't want to think of you in that way." i say, just blurting out whatever thoughts come to me.

he nods, without revealing a single thing. he grabs my remaining pancake from my plate and splits it into small pieces.

reaching to grab one, he moves his hand towards my mouth.

"say ah." he says, with the driest expression on his face.

inwardly, i chuckle at his attempt at innocent flirting and bite into the fork he was holding.

things seemed to only go uphill from here. here we were, laughing and enjoying ourselves as we hung out peacefully.

maybe we have a chance after all.