inclination; on hold

he isn't worth my time, but i love him~ niniola

fuck the world (summer in london) - brent faiyaz

i wake up to see leo vacated his spot next to me, and am not surprised. i consider my options and decide to text julian.

19/11/20
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niniola

hey julian, sorry for last night, can i make it up to you through some coffee tonight? [:

julian

it's okay, that sounds great love, is 5 okay?

niniola

yes, sounds good, thanks for being so kind, see you at the coffee shop

text you later x

that summarised the conversation for today, and i was glad to be getting a fresh start. this time, i mean it when i say that i'll only be seeing leonardo as a friend. it feels like he took advantage of me, then left with no explanation.

i'm not just someone for him to play with whenever he likes, and i'll show him that. when he gets home, i'll ask him to hang out as friends so we can get back to some sense of normality. luckily, it was my day off, so i called him.

"hello?" i echoed, into the phone.

"hi nini, what's happening?

"was just wondering if you'd be down to get some lunch at the cafe next to your office, around 1ish?" i said, with some curiosity.

"yes, i will." he cut off the phone, just like that.

moody, but at least he agreed. i start to get dressed in an outfit that will match both of my hangouts for the day so i don't need to spend forever getting dressed, then run my errands.

1pm arrived faster than expected, so i took the 5 minute walk to the little cafe where we were planning on meeting. as expected, he is already sat at a small, circular table and waves me over.

it feels so good to be back to normal and hanging out like we used to when we were younger; i appreciate the change of scenery and smile a little. is it bad that i wish we could stay like this forever?

we engage in small talk about normal things and i've never felt better. things were just all over the place lately, so this constant was enough to make my day, hell even make my week.

"so, what were you up to when i called, ahaha?" i asked, placing a giggle at the end so he doesn't think i'm interrogating him.

"oh nothing much, just killing someone who was messing with the shipments." he says, as if that's absolutely normal.

internally, i am screaming, but i place a facade on and say, "i'm going to pretend i didn't hear that, no wonder you were so sharp on the phone." i reply.

"indeed, love. thank you for calling me out here, i thought i was losing you for a minute."

"i've been meaning to ask, why do you act so... rough and maybe like possessive so much all the time? it's weird, you know."

"you're all mine, it's how things have always been. i get a little possessive when you're being shared with others, but i'll work on it for you. know that you won't give another man what is mine."

"things between us aren't official, but in my eyes you are all i want. if it means courting you properly, then so be it. no man on earth will stop me." he adds.

i giggle slightly, "well, that took a very dramatic turn for a second. 'you're mine' , that was seriously some dramatic ass shit. you should've taken up drama or something." he only shrugs in response.

i wish i could tell what he was thinking sometimes, because i genuinely don't know if he's actually being serious about that. i've always had some attachment issues, but i'm working around that and trying to find love.

i want to settle down with someone who can love and protect me; a guy like that is really hard to find, so you feel reduced to trying out anything and everyone.

i've dated a lot, but never really found the right fit at all. nothing ever seems to work out in combination with leo's meddling and then being right for me.

"have you ever considered settling down?" i ask.

"i want to have 5 children with you, and nurse you back to health every single time. the house won't ever have a quiet moment with us having sex and the children running around." he says, with a distant look in his eyes.

i find myself imagining five beautiful mini-leo's running around our house, playing games with each other and making a mess; waves of comfort rush into me and i feel warmth and love.

time to shut this down, and quickly. i will simply not allow myself to consider the two of us being together, because it's a disaster waiting to happen.

"ugh, if only i could actually find a guy like you to settle down with." i say, feeling some guilt.

shutting him down like this is cruel, but we all know what a disaster we would be together. taking into account leo's occupation, there are too many unknowns.

"i love you leo, truly." i add with a chuckle, to soften the blow. his eyes soften for a second, but harden all the way back up. i hardly noticed the difference, putting it frankly.

i check the time, and it's nearing 3:45, so i bid a farewell to leo and head off to my apartment to touch up my makeup. he follows me home, claiming that he was protecting me.

we make it home in around 5 minutes, so i begin to redo my concealer and foundation. i'm at the door about to head off, and shout out to leo.

"i'm heading out, will be back later! stay safe."

i begin a brisk amble towards the coffee shop mentioned, but julian is yet to arrive. i wait for him for five minutes, when i see a silhouette approaching the cafe. night had already set, since it was winter; i couldn't clearly make out who the figure was, so i was slightly on guard.

ay should nini just go out with leo already or....

AN: sorry for editing this, since i forgot to last week¿ not an update, but expect one in an hour or so