Red Vs Blue, & there's Magenta: Season Two

Chapter 16 What's Mine Is Yours

Tucker and Caboose were on top of their base.

Tucked: Man, Caboose. You were asleep for a long time, what were you dreaming about?

Caboose: Oh nothing. I do not like to dream. I try not to think while I'm sleeping.

Tucker: That's pretty much how you function while you're awake too.

Caboose: I think consistency is important.

Ghost Church then appeared.

Church: Well, you look okay. Then again, that's just the armor. How do you feel?

Caboose: Great! Who're you?

Church: Oh come on, not this again! How can you seriously not remember me?

Caboose: Oh, of course! I remember you. You're Marvin.

Church: I'm Church!

Caboose: I think I would remember a name rhat ridiculous. Nope, you are definitely Phil.

Church: You killed me with the tank.

Caboose: Dave

Church: You insulted my girlfriend, you called her a cow.

Caboose: Karen.

Tucker: Dude, he called her a slut.

Church: Your whole life is based around pleasing me.

Caboose continued to throw out names while Church did his best to make him remember. Caboose stopped and then turned to Tucker.

Caboose: Psssst. *whispering* The new guy is pretty full of himself.

Church: New guy? What the- I'm not the new guy. You're the new guy!

Tucker: I don't know, I kinda like it. I could get used to calling you rookie.

Church: Oh yeah, could you get used to me beating you to death?

Caboose: Pssst, whats wrong with the rookie? He seems mad.

Church: Oh son of a bitch.

*With the Reds*

Grif: Donut, there's no way you can jump that high.

Grif was on the roof watching Donut try to jump up through the opening.

Donut: Yes I can!

Simmons: What the hell is he doing?

The maroon soldier appeared beside Grif.

Grif: Losing a bet.

Donut: Oh, I almost got it that time! Are you sweating yet, sucker?

Grif: No, I won't sweat because what you're trying to do is impossible.

Simmons; I'm with Grif on this. I wouldn't sweat either.

?: Same here. . . .

Grif and Simmons turned to see a helmet less Ruby.

Grif: Someone looks down.

Simmons: You okay?

Ruby: I'm alright, just needed some air is all.

She began to breathe, and realized something.

Ruby: Who the heck's smoking?

Simmons: Grif, are you smoking inside your helmet again?

Grif; What?! No!

Smoke the came out of his helmet's air purifiers.

Grif: Oops.

Simmons: Damn it. I knew this would happen. And how many snack cakes have you had today?

Grif: None.

The magenta and maroon soldiers stared at him blankly.

Grif: Okay five. . . or more. Baker's dozen at most.

Simmons: Do you even know how much is in a baker's dozen?

Grif: By my count, forty eight.

Simmons: Alright, that's it! No more smoking, no more drinking, and no more overeating, chubby!

Ruby just sighed.

Ruby: I'm gonna go take a few laps around the base. Call me if anyone needs anything.

She slowly walked away, drawing the Reds' attention.

Grif: Yeah, something's definitely wrong.

Simmons: She's either upbeat, annoyed, or pissed, sadness does not suit her.

Suddenly, Sarge walked onto the roof.

Sarge: Simmons, Grif! I just got on the horn with command, I'm afraid we have a situation.

Simmons: Don't tell me they cancelled the holiday party again. Those cheap bastards, all I wanted was one night of carefree dancing, but noo! I ask you, when is it gonna be Simmons's turn? When?!

Sarge: Uh, actually the problem is with Lopez.

Grif: Don't tell me, the consulate general from Spanish Land is coming, and without Lopez, we don't have anyone to translate.

Simmons: Ruby can understand Spanish.

Grif: Oh. . . right.

Simmons: Also, there's no such thing as Spanish Land, you retard.

Grif: Yes there is, uh, they have those water slides and uh, uh, all that salsa!

Simmons: No they don't.

Grif: Well I guess you would know.

Simmons: What's that supposed to mean?! For the last time, I'm Dutch-Irish!

Grif: Hey, don't let your fiery Latin tempter get out of control. I was just trying to make a point.

Sarge: Can it you two, We've got a pot on the front burner, and it's a boilin' over. I've just learned that command implanted Lopez with secret instructions detailing the next phase of our operation! Do you have any idea what this means?

Grif: I-Uh, uh. . . Simmons, you wanna take this one?

Simmons: Were you not listening again? What the hell were you thinking about?

Grif: Certainly not water slides, I can tell you that much. Or salsa.

Sarge: What it means is that if we don't get back Lopez before the Blues uncover our secret plans, we'll be a pooper creek without a paddle.

Grif: Ew! G-Ah, that's gross!

Sarge: I'm talking about being in a forest of filth without a compass. Swimmin' in a river of sick with no floaties on. Drivin' blind into the tunnel of-

Simmons: Sir, I think we get the picture. The very, very disturbing picture.

Sarge: You sure? I could go on.

Grif: I'm sure you could, but no, really.

Sarge: Just one more.

Grif: Stop.

Sarge: Come on, they're fun.

Grif: No.