Hold On To Me

Chapter 5

It was another sleepless night for Shawn. Had been like that since Bey asked him to sleep in the guest room. He wasn't used to sleeping without his wife by his side anymore, and then the events from the weekend were still on his mind, all the things Bey said to him were replaying in his thoughts all over again. There were so many things he wished he could say to her, but he just couldn't, at least not now.

When it was finally late enough in the morning to get up, Shawn went out for his daily run and then walked to Kelly's house to get Beyoncé's car that was still there.

"Good morning." Kelly said seeing Shawn standing at her door.

"Hi. I hope I didn't wake you up."

"Not at all. Since I had the baby I don't really sleep anymore."

"Must be tough."

"It's worth it." Kelly smiled proudly.

"Right." Shawn nodded. "I'm here to get my wife's car."

"Yeah, I almost thought you forgot about it. Come in, you want some coffee or anything?"

"No. Thanks." He politely declined.

"Okay. Here. Tell Bey to call me." Kelly said handing him the car keys.

"Will do. Thank you for taking care of her the other night."

"No problem... and Shawn, I heard what happened, I'm really sorry."

"Thank you." He said forcing a smile and then heading out to go back home.

*****

"I'm having dinner with my sisters and some friends tonight." Beyoncé said at the table, while Shawn and her had breakfast in silence. "We're having a girl's night. I don't know what time I'll be back."

"Your sisters' friends?" He asked.

"Yes."

"Okay. May be. good." Shawn said without adding that he couldn't stand his sisters-in-law's friends. Every time Bey went out with them, they ended up having arguments about the dumbest things afterwards. He just knew they sat around and talked the silliest things about men. Or maybe it was just about him.

"I'm not even in the mood to go, but my sisters insisted."

"You can just have dinner with them. You don't need to stay for too long. Maybe when you're back we can watch a movie or something."

"Yeah. we can do that."

"I need to go to work now. I see you later. Have fun with your sisters." Shawn said standing up.

"Thank you."

After Shawn left, Bey stayed in the kitchen for a while, just sitting around doing absolutely nothing. She wasn't in the mood to do anything. If it were up to her, she would spend the day locked in her bedroom. sleeping.

"Hello." Bey said answering her phone.

"Hello, Beyoncé it's me... your mother."

"I know it's you, mom." Bey said a little annoyed.

"How you doing sweetie? It's been a while since the last time I heard from you."

"I'm okay."

"Your sisters told me that you are going out with them tonight?"

"Well they actually didn't give me a choice, so I can't help but to."

"You're young Beyoncé. Life goes on. You need to let it go."

"Mom, did you ever lose one of your children?"

"What? No." Tina said immediately.

"Well then don't tell me what the hell I need to do. You have no idea how it feels. No one does. I'm sick of everybody telling me how I'm supposed to feel."

"First of all I want you to calm down. You're still talking to your mother. Don't you ever think you're too old to get your behind slapped. And second, we just want you to feel better."

"I will feel better when it's time for me to feel better. I need to go now. I'll call you, okay?" Beyoncé said a lot calmer, but she was still feeling upset about the whole conversation.

"Fine. I love you Beyoncé and don't forget that I am here for you."

"I love you too." Beyoncé sighed before hanging up.

******

"I was starting to think that you changed your mind." Solo said as soon as Beyoncé arrived at the restaurant her sisters picked.

"I told you I was coming." Bey said managing to smile as she started to greet everyone around the table.

"You look cute." Tasha, Solo's friend said.

"Thank you."

"We were just about to order, but then Tasha started telling us about how her husband can't get enough."

"Enough of what?" Bey asked confused.

"Of me. I swear my whole body is sore. I need a break. I'm starting to think he is a sex addict." Tasha said laughing.

"Oh well, I guess all men are. Daniel can't go a day without sex either. He went crazy after I gave birth because we had to wait for six weeks." Solange said.

"Oh I remember that time as well. Adam complained from the first day to the last." Anne, Bey's other sister shared too.

"I'm not complaining, though. I may as well take care of my man's needs. Otherwise another woman will do it, and then I'll have to kill him and her as well." Tasha said, not as playfully as her first comment.

"You... you really think that?" Bey asked, feeling even more uncomfortable with that comment than she did with the whole sex talk.

"Of course. I mean, even if your man loves you, it won't keep him from cheating. You need to give him what he needs or he's going to get it from someone else. Men are not like us. They can have sex with random girls even if they are in love with someone else." Tasha explained.

"Not all man are like that." Anne protested, but without much conviction.

"You don't need to worry anyway. I bet you can keep Shawn satisfied." Linda, another friend spoke up.

"Yeah, sure." Bey said forcing a smile.

Truth was, Beyoncé couldn't even remember the last time she and Shawn had sex. It must have been around her eighth month of pregnancy and that was over five months ago. After that, she didn't allow Shawn to touch her anymore. Who was taking care of his needs now? They always had a very active sex life, and now, they didn't even sleep in the same room anymore. Maybe there was someone keeping him satisfied. He was a man after all. He couldn't go five months without sex.

"Bey, is everything okay?" Anne asked, looking worried as she watched her sister.

As the conversation and their dinner went on, Beyoncé had kept more and more to herself, looking to be too much in her thoughts, and they didn't seem to be good ones.

"Yes. Everything is good. I just need to go home." Bey said standing up.

"But you just got here 30 minutes ago. You didn't even eat yet."

"I know, but I need to go. I'm sorry." Bey said as she gathered her purse and jacket.

She needed to be home, she needed to know if there was another woman that was taking care of what belonged to her. or at least what did once.

*****

The house felt quiet and lonely when Shawn came home from work, but unfortunately, that wasn't just because his wife wasn't there. He had felt like that himself lately, with or without Beyoncé around.

At least when she wasn't there, he could think of her the way she used to be. He could imagine her walking through the door, stressed out from a full day of work. Then walking straight to the kitchen to poke around in the fridge for something to eat, because she had skipped lunch, like always. And in the middle of ranting out about some asshole opposing counseling pissing her off, Shawn would plant a kiss on her lips and her beautiful smile would spread on her face, and she would lean against him, for the comfort his body provided.

"God, I'm glad to be home." She'd whisper as he stroked her back.

He could hear her say it every night and he wouldn't get tired of it. He loved it that being home cured her from every bad thing she went through in her day. He really loved that holding her in his arms transformed her.

Except now. it didn't work anymore. If anything, she felt better outside, with other people.

He let out a big sigh as the thought crossed his mind and then went upstairs for a shower. He was going to put his sleeping clothes on afterwards, re-heat whatever food he found in the fridge and then get his day over with.

He went into what should be his bedroom as well, but was currently only his wife's, for his clothes and noticed the outfits she left on the bed, probably the ones she tried on or thought about wearing to go out. Some were just jeans matched with a nice top, some were the typical dresses she used to wear to go out with her sisters, and there were one or two a little more special. They were the ones she used to wear when she went out with him at night. He loved those, but always playfully complained about them. He'd say they made him want to keep her all to himself and not to take her out at all. He'd be very tempted to stay home and slowly take her out of those clothes to make love to her.

He tried to imagine what she picked to go out tonight. Was she in a cute dress? In jeans? Or maybe she was in that skirt he loved. It wasn't in the bed with the other outfits.

A pinch of jealously ached in him as he thought of her out in that. He wanted her to wear that for him, to be out with him, to tease him. He couldn't stand the wondering, he had to open her closet to check. It didn't take him long to find it on its usual spot, neatly folded. Obviously, she hadn't even thought of putting that on, and he felt bad for thinking she would, but that was the kind of thing, that seeing her in those outfits did to him. He got so crazy for her, he couldn't think straight.

He ran his hand through the fabric, feeling the familiar sensation of touching it and remembered how it felt with his wife in it. Remembered the times he hiked it up in the middle of the hallway, putting her panties down right there and then, too turned on to wait until they were in the bedroom to take her.

*****

Beyoncé was a little relieved to see Shawn's car outside when she got home. He wasn't out with a hooker or any random girl he picked out in a bar to have sex with. He wasn't out cheating on her, or at least, not tonight.

Was Tasha right.? Would Shawn go out and find someone to take care of him if she didn't do it? Was she going to lose her husband to just any woman willing to put out for him?

Beyoncé thought about that as she walked through the house looking for her husband. She didn't find him downstairs in the kitchen eating, like she thought he would be, or in the living room maybe picking out the movie they were going to watch. Was he out there working on that damn car again.?

She made her way upstairs to leave her shoes in her bedroom and go after him, but then she heard some noise from a room. She thought it was coming from the guest room, which was Shawn's room now.

What sounded like a cry came from there as she stopped to listen, so she got closer, worried. The next sound was more like a moan.

Was he having sex in there? Did he really bring someone home while she was out?

She started to push the door opened, that wasn't even properly closed, to confront him, to kill him as Tasha said she would do to her own husband, but stopped in her tracks when she actually saw what was happening. She covered her mouth with her hand in shock with the surprise.

"Mmm. shit Bey." Shawn murmured as he held a piece of clothing with one hand and stroked his penis with the other. He had his eyes tightly closed as he did it, and in between grunts and moans, her name kept escaping his lips.

Bey watched him in horror, not because he was jerking off or because he was calling her name, but because she realized, as she looked at him, that there wasn't a woman taking care of him. Not a real one anyway. All he really had was her black skirt and the thoughts in his mind. Thoughts of his own wife.

Bey stepped away from the door, pushing it closed quietly so he wouldn't see her there and headed to her room. She locked herself in there and slid down the door with tears already running down her face. Somewhere in her mind, she was telling herself she should be happy to have a husband that was so faithful to her. She had such a loyal man. But that thought didn't make her happy, it actually made her cry even harder. She had the perfect man, and she could no longer be a wife for him. She couldn't give him anything he needed. Anything.

***

"Morning. I thought you were still sleeping." Shawn said, entering the kitchen. Beyoncé was already sitting at the table, having breakfast alone.

"Morning." She mumbled without looking at him. She had spent the whole night crying and thinking about what she saw. She wasn't upset with him, but she was mad at herself for not being able to take care of him. During the night, thoughts of a divorce had crossed her mind a few times, and as much as she tried, she couldn't convince herself it wasn't the best for Shawn.

"How was it yesterday? You had fun?"

"It was okay. Nothing special." She shrugged.

"When did you come back? I didn't hear you. I waited for a bit, but then went to bed."

"I just ate something and then came back home. You were already in your room. I didn't want to. bother you."

"It's okay. Maybe we can do something today. I don't have to work."

"Shawn. we need to talk." Bey sighed and looked at her husband for the first time since he walked in.

"Okay."

"We can't go on like this. I can't be the wife that you need and deserve. I really don't know if I can ever get over what happened to us."

"What are you talking about?" Shawn asked confused.

"I think the best we can do is to get a divorce." Beyoncé let out avoiding eye contact with him, otherwise she would probably take everything back immediately.

"Divorce? Are you serious?" Shawn frowned. He couldn't believe that those words really left Beyoncé's mouth.

"It's the best for you. You deserve to be happy."

"Really? That's the best for me?" Shawn asked calmly, with his eyes fixed on his wife's face.

"Yes."

"I really doubt that. Are those even your words?"

"What do you mean?" She looked up at him.

"Which of your sisters friends came up with this shit? Tasha or Linda? Or maybe even one of your sisters?"

"No one came up with anything. I still can think on my own."

"Yesterday everything was fine, now out of nowhere you want to get a divorce?"

"Nothing was fine. I don't even know if anything will ever be fine again." Beyoncé screamed at her husband.

"Yes it will be. You just need more time. We... we will have another baby and then everything will be okay."

"Another baby? Are you crazy? I will never get pregnant again. I don't want another baby. I wanted the baby I was pregnant with. Nothing will ever be okay again." Beyoncé said crying.

"Yes it will. People get through this. We are not the first ones Beyoncé."

"Well then maybe I'm not as strong as those other people."

"Yes you are. We just need to try harder."

"Shawn, you don't get it. The woman you fell in love with does not exist anymore."

"Beyoncé we are not getting divorced. That's just the easy way out. We gonna do better and get through this." Shawn said upset.

"I will never be the same again. Not now, not in a few weeks or months, not ever. I just want you to be happy."

"I can only be happy with you Bey."

"You are not happy with me. I will talk to my colleague about getting the papers ready." Beyoncé said standing up.

She needed to get away from him and the look in his eyes. She was sure that one day she would regret this, but she needed to do this for him. At least one of them could finally have their life back.

"We promised each other, in good and bad times." Shawn said lowly before Beyoncé walked out.

After Beyoncé left, Shawn sat down at the table and thought about what had just happened. Did his wife of three years really asked him for a divorce? Was this nightmare really happening to them?