Hold On To Me

Chapter 9

"Good morning, it's good to see you two." Dr. Hard said greeting the Carters, and welcoming them into her office.

Beyoncé and Shawn took a seat and waited for the doctor to join them.

"So... how are you?" She asked taking her seat.

"Well, I think I can say we're doing fine." Shawn said.

"We're working on getting better." Beyoncé added, participating voluntarily for the first time in their session. "Both of us this time."

"That's good." Dr. Hard nodded. "Now, I remember that the last time I saw each one of you, divorce was mentioned."

"We're not getting a divorce." Beyoncé replied before Dr. Hard could say anything else. "I was just. I was feeling guilty."

"Why did you feel guilty, Beyoncé?" The doctor asked.

Beyoncé took a deep breath. "My husband was miserable. And I thought. that he was feeling like that, because I refused to act as if nothing happened to us. I couldn't forget and the memories and wanting to hurt too much. I didn't feel capable of focusing on anything else."

"And now... how do you feel?"

"I still feel the hurt, and it's so strong, but there are other things I remember now, there are other things that I want." Beyoncé looked at her husband.

Shawn smiled and grabbed his wife's hand to place a kiss on it.

"What about you, Shawn?" Dr. Hard asked. "There's something you want to say to your wife?"

He started to shake his head no, but Beyoncé grabbed his hand this time. "Please."

Shawn nodded and took a deep breath.

"Tell your wife how you feel." Dr. Hard encouraged.

"Bey. For months, I've been sitting home alone, waiting for you to come back. And it hurt a lot, but I had so much hope that being out of the house was making you some good, that I just pushed aside what I felt. Those nights alone were even worse, but. I didn't want you to feel like I would ever try to. hurt you. I felt so many things Bey. I felt crazy jealous and felt angry with you, and even more angry with myself, but now. I would do it all again, if I knew I'd get to have you back. What I feel right now is that I'm the luckiest man in the world, because I have you. I can go through just about anything, if I'm with you. And if I get to be with you at the end."

"I'll never put you through that again." Beyoncé said holding her husband's face in her hand. "I'll never forget what I have again."

Dr. Hard nodded at the couple, finally they seemed ready to take steps forward.

*****

Shawn's P.O.V

"Are you sure that you are ready for this?" I asked, turning my head so I could face my wife. After our session with our therapist, that actually went very well, we headed to the cemetery, to visit our son's tombstone.

"Yes. Dr. Hard said it was a good idea. It will help us to find closure." She said.

"Okay." I nodded, getting out of our car.

Beyoncé and I walked hand in hand to the place where they buried our son, after two days that he was born. Our mothers had taken care of everything, so I could focus on Beyoncé and myself. I thought about coming here before, but it felt wrong to do it without Beyoncé.

"Do you know who attended the service that was held for him?"

"Our parents and siblings." I said.

"We should have gone too. We were his parents. I feel bad that we weren't there."

"We are here now, that's the only thing that matters." I said.

Once we arrived at his tombstone, we just stared at it for a moment. I couldn't explain the way I was feeling reading my son's name on it. Somehow, all the memories of Bey's pregnancy came back to my mind. I still could remember how excited Beyoncé was when he kicked for the first time inside of her. And how excited I was as well, when I could finally feel it too. I was so proud when the doctor told us that it was a boy. It was like my dreams were coming true.

"I'm so sorry, Shawn." Beyoncé said with a shaking voice before she took me in her arms. I didn't even realize that I had tears running down my cheeks.

"It wasn't your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault." I said hugging my wife back.

"I know how much you wanted to have this baby. I never saw you so happy, excited and anxious like you were during my pregnancy. I'm so sorry that I wasn't able to give you a healthy son."

"It's true, I was excited to become a dad but nothing that you did was the reason why he is not here with us. It wasn't your fault. This was God's plan."

"If it's not my fault why do I feel so guilty?" She asked crying.

"Babe look at me." I said turning her around so I could look into my wife's eyes. "Remember what the doctor said? Even if you spent your whole pregnancy in bed, he would have still been stillborn. This wasn't something we could have prevented. Okay?"

"Okay." She said nodding before I pulled her close and hugged her again.

We stayed a little longer, only staring at the grass, in silence, until Bey asked to leave, and I was glad to do it.

*****

Beyoncé's P.O.V

"Bey, are you sure?" My sister asked for the third time since she arrived at my house to drop my niece off.

I understood her reluctance and deep down I was a little worried that I may had been doing too much too fast, but I knew what could happen if I gave myself time to think and feel, and I was tired of that. I wanted to do things that I really enjoyed, and I could only know how it would be if I did it.

"Yes, Anne. I'm sure, don't worry." I smiled.

"Okay, I'll come back for her on Sunday. Try not to spoil her too much, please."

That made me laugh. "I can't guarantee that."

"Well, I'm glad you're. back." My sister said before hugging me.

"Me too."

After Anne left, I took Tiara's overnight bag, which I knew was more filled with toys than clothes, upstairs to the guess room then went to see where that little girl ran too already.

"Oh pleaseeeeeeee." I heard her whine and shook my head. No doubt, she was trying to talk her uncle into something, as usual.

"What's going on?" I asked walking into the living room. Tiara was sitting on Shawn's lap and whining about something. I could see on his face that he was about to give in like always.

"Auntie Bey, can I put make-up on him?" Tiara asked all excited.

"I don't think so. He is a boy, usually boys don't wear any make-up. But how about you put make-up on me, and we dress up?"

"Can we do a runway show for Uncle Shawn?"

"Sure." I said smiling.

"Oh I can't wait." Shawn said kissing her cheek.

I smiled at my husband and then followed my niece upstairs to my room. I knew that she'd make a mess, but she would have fun while doing it and that was the only thing that mattered.

"What do you want to wear?" I asked.

"Can I choose whatever I want?"

"Of course."

"I want that." She said pointing at a pink dress that I only wore once.

"Ohhh, that's a nice one." I said smiling.

"And you gonna wear that dress." Tiara said pointing to another dress but this one was blue.

"That's one of my favorites."

"Blue is my favorite color." She said smiling.

"I know. It's mine too. So, first we're going to put make-up on, and then get dressed. Sit down on the bed." I said while getting some of my cosmetic products.

"What color of eyeshadow do you want?"

"Mmm... one eye green and the other blue!"

"You want two different colors?"

"Yes. I have two eyes." She said like it was something normal to use two different colors.

"Alright." I said laughing.

I started to apply everything she wanted on her little face. I couldn't help laughing at it. She was looking way too funny, but at the same time, she was adorable.

"You look so pretty." I said holding up a mirror to let her see how she looked.

"Really?"

"Yes. So now, it's my turn. You can pick all the colors you want to put on me and then we gonna get dressed."

"Okay." She said smiling.

It took her forever to choose what she wanted to use, and then even longer until she was done. It was cute to see how focused she was and how she was trying to make it perfect.

"Auntie Bey?" She said looking up at me when she was finally done.

"Yes." I smiled.

"You are my best friend."

I had no idea why those five little words brought tears to my eyes, but looking into her beautiful face as she said it and seeing how honest and innocent she was, made me get all emotional.

"You are my best friend too." I said hugging her tightly. "Let's get dressed and then show Uncle Shawn our outfits."

*****

Shawn's P.O.V

"Did she sleep?" I asked my wife when she climbed on our bed to join me.

"Yes, finally. I had to read two stories AND sing a song."

"She gets everything she wants with you." I said shaking my head.

"Look who's talking." Bey said raising her eyebrows at me. "I saved you from turning into her doll."

I laughed, but didn't say anything. I don't think I would have found a way out of that one on my own.

"But it was fun." Bey said smiling, but her eyes were a little sad. "The day I mean. It was fun."

"Yeah." I nodded.

"It feels weird though... to be happy, to move... on. I feel like I'll always miss something, that I never had."

"We had him." I said taking her hand. "We just don't have him anymore. but we have other people that we love, people that love us. It's not the same, but. we're still lucky."

"I am lucky." She nodded, looking at me with those sad eyes, but still trying to smile. She held my face and pulled me closer until her lips were pressing against mine.

"I need to take a shower. I'll be right back." She said getting up from the bed.

I watched her walk away and got comfortable on the bed to wait. While she was in there, I replayed the day in my head. It was good Tiara was here to distract us and fill the house with her little giggles. I think it would had been much harder on Bey if she had time to lock herself in our room and think all day.

Among all my thoughts, I saw the image of my son's name engraved on that piece of marble again and I felt my throat tighten, but then my wife came to my mind, as always. At least a half hour had passed since she got in the shower. I got up and went to the bathroom door, easing it open slowly just to see her and spotted her standing under the shower, leaning against the wall and. crying.

I walked up to her and put my arms around her, letting the water soak my clothes.

"I'm sorry." She said with her eyes filled with tears.

I didn't say anything, just pressed my lips against hers, tasting both her tears and mine.

I couldn't and wouldn't expect that her pain would go away. I couldn't even hope to stop her tears, but I could be there, and I could share with her. Our loss would be part of our lives forever, but if we were together through it, we could make it.

*****

One year later

"Shawn. where are we going?" Bey asked for the 10th time, only making me grin at her curiosity.

"It's a surprise."

"We've been in the car for an hour." She whined, trying to reach for the blindfold I had her wearing, but I held her hands back.

"Just be patient."

To be honest, she had been very patient already, but I needed for everything to go as I planned. Fortunately, we were at our destination in just 10 minutes later and after I quickly got everything in place, I guided her out of the car.

"Okay, we're ready now."

"Finally." She nearly groaned.

"Here you go." I said taking the blindfold off so she could see what I made her wait for.

"Oh my God, Shawn." She said covering her mouth.

I had a blanket set out on the ground for us, along with whine and flowers for her. I also had some snacks, because after the long drive, I knew we'd want to eat, but the most important thing was the little box I placed on the sand, while the sea and the moon watched us.

Bey knelt down and picked it up, looking at me anxiously before she opened the box. I Knelt in front of her and took the ring that was inside.

"Five years ago, I offered you a ring and promised to have you and hold you, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. That promise still stand Bey, and this." I said taking her hand to place the ring on her finger. "It's because I'd do it again and again. You make me feel like I never really knew happiness until I met you. I think I would forget what it is if I had to live without you."

"You'll never have to find that out." She said shaking her head. "Sometimes I ask myself what I did to deserve you. I'm so used to working hard for everything I have, but you. You loved me so easily. And you were simply. mine. Before I met you, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, what I needed in my life. I was one and I knew exactly who I was, but after I met you, I realized I was just half before. With you." She said bringing me closer to her, "I am... we are one."

Our lips touched and as her mouth opened for me, I kissed her with everything I had. Slowly we laid down on the blanket and I started to kiss down her body. I wanted to make love to her on the beach, like we did before so many times.

"I want to do it all again, Shawn." Bey said holding my face, so I'd look at her. "I want it all with you."

"It all?" I asked.

"I want everything we dreamed when we made our vows the first time. I want a family with you."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."