Lonely Hearts Won't Break

TEN｜WIRES IN THE WAY

"Why are we out here again, doc?"

Standing side by side, Dr. Solan was at least a foot shorter than my six foot something stature, so it was quite humorous how she peered up at me like I was one of the many New York City skyscrapers hovering over us both. Nevertheless a smile found its way to her lips and she placed her hand onto my shoulder as we paced ourselves down one of Central Park's shorter loops.

"Well, Dallas," she began. "It has been scientifically proven that nature and outdoor activities is conducive to ones wellbeing. I, personally, believe that my clients are more honest when they don't feel suffocated by the walls of my office. This openness is liberating."

"That makes sense," I nodded, sliding my hands into the pocket of my sweat shorts. "Glad I'm dressed for the weather or else this would've been a dub."

"A dub?" she questioned. "I think this is the first time I haven't been able to decipher some of your little sayings."

I couldn't help but chuckle at how genuinely confused Dr. Solan was or the way her brows crumpled together the second the word left my mouth.

"Dub as in whack. Better yet I'd be hot as in mad and temperature wise if I had on slacks in this heat."

"Ooh, I see."

"Sometimes I forget who I'm talking to, my bad."

"No, no." she admonished, shaking her head. "I want you to always be yourself and relaxed during our sessions. Don't ever feel you have to refrain from talking as you would with a friend or loved one."

"Then I guess I should tell you that I kind of fucked up big time a few days ago," she waved for me to carry on as she tapped my shoulder and finally lowered her hand and folded them both together at her waist. "I allowed myself to get so worked up over something Layla did that my reactions to everything thereafter were uncontrollable. At some point I had accepted that I, my consciousness, was no longer inside but outside of my body. I was watching it go through all these emotions. It was a train wreck."

"Have you ever been that angry before?"

"No," I sighed, regretting my unhinged behavior. "I don't typically respond to people. My pops jokes and claims it's an Aquarius thing. I'm pretty diluted when it comes to my feelings too. The first time I've ever really felt deeply and shown it outwardly outside my norm was when Noor was born. I thought I had peaked with Layla but my daughter cracked open some chambers in there," I motioned with a pat against my chest. "Other than that, people tend to view me as distant. Something like wallpaper or a prop, you know?"

"That's a harsh thing to refer to yourself as, don't you think?"

"Like I said, it's not what I think but what others think."

"Now ponder on this for a moment before you answer but has anyone actually ever said that to you?"

It wasn't much to dwell on. Outside of whatever purpose I served in a person's life, I just existed. I added the temporary 'pop' they needed but with time, faded into the background. Oddly enough I never became attached to the feeling that could trigger in many. I accepted it and moved on because honestly speaking, we all were wallpaper or a prop to someone, if not everyone.

"Nah," I shrugged. "but their actions have and really isn't that just life?"

"Being used by people?"

"Yeah, I mean you can be used for your services if you are someone who provides one, free of charge or not, or you can be used unknowingly and even selfishly by someone. Depending on our role in someone's life depends on the how."