clouds in my head

chapter one

Dreaming. To dream is a mysterious thing, that our brain does. We can dream when we sleep at night and we can also daydream. Sometimes there are beautiful dreams, full of things you like. Your brain creates a world, you don't want to escape. A world, you wish, you could live in forever. But then there are the worse ones. The bad dreams, where everything seems to be horrible, there's nothing good in it. Horrifying things happen and you feel like you can't do anything. When you wake up, bathed in sweat and cannot fall asleep anymore. Mostly these are the dreams you remember for a long time.

These dreams are called nightmares. Imagine if you never could wake up from that sort of a dream. You are trapped in a life you don't want but can't escape. That's the word, I would describe my life with. A nightmare. I bet there is no human on this planet, who haven't had a nightmare in their life. But I'm sure, there are not many people, who have them every day and every night. Every day in a week. Every week in a month. Every month in a year. Every single day of their entire life.

But do these people even exist? Does a life full of nightmares exist? Why is my life even a nightmare? I don't know, how often I asked myself these questions. Probably a hundred times a day. Are there more people out there, going through the same things I have to?

If it's one thing I learned in my seventeen years of living, is that dreaming doesn't mean it has to be nice and beautiful. It's not a nice dream when you don't know where you belong or even where you are. When you don't know if your reality is a dream, or your dream reality. When real world and the world you imagine just mix up and you can't decide whether it's real or not. It always felt like, there were clouds in my head.