clouds in my head

chapter six

I often tried to think about the life before the diagnose. But I barely remember the year when I was six years old. I spend a lot of time in the hospital, because of the "clouds" in my brain. The only things I remember, are the day, where I got my diagnose and the day I went home from the hospital. In my stay, the doctors took many tests of me. They scanned my brain and my whole body, hoping to don't find any more tumours. I couldn't understand, why they were doing all these tests of me, but I endured everything and didn't complain. Someone (I don't remember him or her) said something to me, that I never forgot. The person said:" You should know that you are lucky to get the chance to heal, other people like me didn't get the opportunity to cure, but you can, and you will!" If the doctors took another test, I remembered these words and didn't cried, I wasn't upset or angry, I was thankful. Even as a six-year-old child, I understood that I had to be thankful for the help I got.

From the day I went in the hospital and the day I got out; seven weeks passed. I didn't remember anything from these seven weeks. Only the day I went in and the day I went out. I have the clearest memories of these days, but there are other tags of memories. Hazy tags of memories. I kind of knew what they were. They were experiences. In one of them I saw a girl. I didn't know her, but she was beautiful, she gave off a bright light and she felt warm. I remember that I wanted to follow her, but someone held me, so I couldn't escape. This memory didn't feel like a thing that really happened, but it also didn't feel like a dream. Suddenly everything made sense and it turned out that this was my second world, just worse than before.
I knew my dreamworld from the years before. I never experienced something, that I wasn't able to do. All the years before, this reality was like a break from the real world. I could do everything I wanted. But this time it felt different. It felt like a new dimension of my second reality. It felt like I had no control, over the things that happened. The clouds in my head got bigger and bigger. Day by day. And from week to week, it was harder to separate my worlds.