Gaslighter

04

CHAPTER FOUR

▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬

2018

          I could have died a million times and nothing would have been as earth-shattering as this.

          Chase quickly looked away from me as though my mere presence in the lecture hall pained him before anyone realized his eyes were glued to me. Other than that brief panic moment we'd shared, he made no moves to suggest we already knew one another—intimately, even. My stomach revolved as I tried to sit as immobile as possible, fearful any wrong moves would give it away.

          Next to me, Savannah's eyes might as well have turned into hearts as she kept staring at him. The whole lecture hall couldn't look away from him—his presence behind the desk was just that magnetic—and I understood. I knew where they were coming from; after all, it took every fiber of my being to not look at him. I focused on the lecture, merely on the words coming out of Chase's—Professor Steele—mouth, and rushed to write things down. My handwriting was barely legible, but I supposed I'd have time to rewrite my notes later.

          I momentarily considered dropping his class altogether. Though it was a mandatory first semester course, I could always try to transfer to the night class instead and save us both from the embarrassment and awkwardness. I didn't dare to look up the university's policy regarding professor and student relationships, not with Savannah sitting right next to me, and the mere thought sounded so pretentious it made my head burn.

          I took a deep breath, exhaling deeply through my mouth, and tried to zone everything out. Savannah blabbered on and on and on, but even her voice slowly faded into white noise in the background. Part of me wanted to blame her for all of this, even though, logically, that made no sense, but it was a way of removing myself from this messy narrative.

          I wouldn't have met Chase if I hadn't gotten stood up on a blind date she had set up. Everything that happened had been with my consent and I had made those decisions by myself, because I'd wanted to. I'd had all those drinks with him because I wanted to. I'd opened up to him because I wanted to. I'd slept with him because I wanted to.

          If things had gone differently, I would have bragged to her this morning. You won't even believe what happened yesterday. I met this really amazing guy, even though Paul never bothered showing up. He's older than us; you wouldn't know him.

          Now, sitting in front of him in a crowded lecture hall, I wanted to forget all about it. I was a child next to him, so horribly inexperienced, and would be nothing more than a notch in his record, his ruin, the reason behind the imploding and subsequent destruction of his entire career.

          So young, so fresh out of school, and already ruined by my dirty hands.

          "I have to use the bathroom," I whispered to Savannah, when I felt like I couldn't handle it one minute longer. She pulled herself out of the hypnosis just for long enough to glance at me. "Do you think it's a big deal if I just leave for a little bit?"

          "Penny, this is college," she pointed out. "Professors don't really care."

          I had a gut feeling this particular professor would, indeed, care about me leaving in the middle of his first lecture, but it would be worse if I stayed. I made sure to let Savannah see the tiny box of tampons I kept in my bag at all times, just in case someone would need them, and she gave me a considerate nod in return. When I walked past the door, I could finally breathe.