Gaslighter

postlude

POSTLUDE — FINAL NOTE

THIS GOES WITHOUT SAYING, BUT PLEASE READ THE REST OF THE BOOK BEFORE READING THIS NOTE. IT WILL SPOIL THE ENTIRE BOOK. STOP SKIPPING CHAPTERS. THANKS

(please make sure to read this chapter connected to wi-fi/phone data, as it contains images to respect the original formatting style. thank you!)

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— Margaret Atwood, Speeches for Dr. Frankenstein

          This book started off as something entirely different.

          When I first got the original idea for this book, it was harmless in nature and had nothing to do with me other than being inspired by something I was doing at the time. I think book 3 of Open Heart from Playchoices had just come out (laugh all you want, but if you know, YOU KNOW) and Ethan Ramsey was my main character's love interest. He's technically your boss, and it's technically not allowed and is a clear conflict of interest, etc, but things work out. No biggie. I've also been meaning to write a medical drama for YEARS at this point and never do it because I'm even worse when it comes to medicine than I am when it comes to sports.

          So, in the OG version of Gaslighter, the characters were older, more mature, and there were still power dynamics at play, but the whole nature of their relationship was very different from Penn and Chase's. There was always mutual respect and admiration, explicit boundaries and healthy communication, even if the relationship was, in theory, forbidden thanks to the rules placed by their job positions. Do keep in mind they were older than the current version of them and, though the age difference was highlighted in the present iteration of this book, the one in the original era was much smaller. Did that make sense? Okay, cool. The tl;dr version: they were older, they respected each other, the relationship was actually a good thing, and this book is never seeing the light of day.

          With the unfortunate growth of toxic relationships being portrayed as desirable and good in various types of media, I also felt my own discomfort growing. I've never shied away of complaining about the romanticization of relationships like Aria and Ezra's from Pretty Little Liars (that show had an unhealthy fixation with making grown adults creep on younger girls, but that's a conversation for another day) and, though that's something I've never been involved in (for the millionth time — I have never been in a relationship with my college professors), I know what it's like to be gaslighted and manipulated by someone you trust and what it's like to realize that everything you've ever believed to be true was actually a lie and vice-versa.

          This book is a combination of my ongoing frustration with the glamorization of emotionally abusive relationships, my eternal love for Kate Elizabeth's Russell My Dark Vanessa, and a cathartic process of recovery from two separate romantic relationships (so, no, it wasn't just one guy).