Gaslighter

10

CHAPTER TEN

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2018

          I had made plenty of mistakes during my nineteen years of living in this planet, but none of them had been fatal . . . so far.

          I knew I should have said no when Savannah invited me to come to that frat party. I'd heard the rumors about what actually went down at those parties, and I'd heard it directly from Ingrid, who had almost become another statistic. Those facts alone should have been more than enough to refuse to join her and her friends, especially with my suspicions about them being responsible for the vast majority of the assaults. However, I had never been great at saying no to people and, when Savannah had looked at me with those big, brown eyes of hers, my 'no' got hitched in my throat. How could I say no to my first friend in university?

          Naturally, I'd gone to Ingrid for advice.

          I was well aware reaching out to her about the frat party would only widen and deepen the wedge between her and Savannah, but I had no one else to turn to. I wouldn't bother my parents with trivialities like college parties, when they weren't paying an insanely expensive tuition for me to attend parties instead of studying, and I refused to sound like a paranoid airhead around Chase.

          Every word that came out of my mouth whenever he was around sounded like utter gibberish, as though someone had replaced my brain with wet egg noodles, and I would never be able to explain to him exactly why I was scared of those parties. I had tried to before, and had done quite an acceptable job at it, but it had sounded desperate, like a plea for him to not leave me, to not let me make questionable decisions, but that was the kind of person I didn't want to be.

          I wanted to stand up for those girls, for Ingrid, not just for myself. I didn't want these parties to keep taking a turn for the worse, night after night, girl after girl, and I wanted something to be done about it. I loathed the feeling of powerlessness that swept me off my feet, an earthquake that shook me to the core, and it was only then that I remembered I was way in over my head.

          Even if I got the slightest bit of information, a confirmation, even if I saw it happen with my own eyes, even if those girls were victims and witnesses, it would still be their word against ours. Maybe the girls wouldn't even want to talk about it. In a world that protected the attackers and shamed the victims, I wouldn't be too surprised if that were the case, regardless of how badly it infuriated me.

          Ingrid didn't want me to go. I didn't want her to go, either, but she thought we were stronger together since we were both adamant about attending that party. She had other friends, better friends, so I was somewhat confused about why she wanted me there with her, but then I stopped to wonder. Maybe I was the only person she had ever been completely honest with, whereas I had been lying to her ever since the first time we spoke to one another.

          Thus, I'd made the mistake of not telling anyone where I was going. The only person I could have let know was Chase, but, since we hadn't even put a label in our relationship to set clear boundaries and clarify any doubts, I didn't feel like he needed to be bothered with these things.

          I wanted to believe I would be safe around Ingrid, who was still a threatening presence, like a guard dog, and I was determined to never leave her side. It would protect us both, I thought, even if she grew tired of me being there. She had even let me borrow one of her dresses, although part of me thought it left my skin way too exposed for a party like this. I liked dressing up and her closet was one of those that would put my mother's to shame, but, considering what these frat parties were all about, I would have felt more comfortable in jeans and a sweater.