Gaslighter

09

CHAPTER NINE

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2021

          If humiliation and embarrassment could kill, I was pretty certain I should not be alive.

          Sitting at the dining table with my parents and Stephen Delaroux was absolutely mortifying. None of them knew why I was upset and it was easy to blame it on the stress and pressure college was pressing on my shoulders; after all, I was a senior. They knew I needed to come up with some project to turn in before the end of the school year and solidify my diploma, but they didn't know I was struggling in every course that wasn't a derivative of Film Theory. Even the Hitchcock course that shouldn't be that demanding had become too much.

          Everything in my life was becoming too much. I felt suffocated, crumbling under the massive expectations everyone, myself included, projected onto me.

          If Chase couldn't show up to a simple dinner with his mentor, how was I supposed to trust him with my senior project?

          It wasn't even about him not showing up.

          I believed him when he said he had plenty of papers to grade and essays to read; after all, I'd seen him spend hours slumped over his laptop, struggling to keep his eyes open in the middle of the night. Not only that, he had lectures to prepare, whereas the only thing I had to worry about was waking up in time for them. He had a life outside of sneaking around with me and worrying about my, quote, unquote "petty drama", whereas I seemed to have nothing better to do than wait for him.

          It hurt because he hadn't even bothered to let me know he wasn't coming. Had he talked to me, I wouldn't have borrowed a dress from Ingrid and put up with the snide, spiteful comments about me seeing Stephen Delaroux in secret. Savannah's resentment for me wouldn't have grown even larger. I wouldn't have made a fool out of myself by dressing up to what one would have thought was a movie premiere in Hollywood just because I wanted to impress a man. Had he talked to me, I would have understood.

          I felt defeated, wondering if his trust in me had dimmed to the point of him feeling the need to hide the truth from me. We were supposed to keep secrets from everyone else while living in our own perfect bubble, sharing those secrets with one another. What had happened to those two people?

          "So, Penny," Stephen started, refilling my wine glass. I'd already had one too many glasses of wine and my vision was blurring, helped by the low levels of sugar in my blood and the lack of proper nutrients everywhere else. "Have you started working on your senior project? It's only October, but time flies by faster than you can blink, and, before you realize it, you're about to graduate."

          "No, not yet," I replied. I didn't tell him I'd need Chase's help, even to just get started. Even though I knew he knew, as he'd done the same thing with Chase and so many other students back when he was a professor, I didn't need the extra negativity. I didn't want to admit out loud how dependent I was. "Hopefully we'll start soon, but I still haven't decided what I want to do. I haven't thought much about it, to be honest."

          "Good thing you have people to inspire and help you," my mother said, with a wink. I supposed she was right. Everyone sitting at the dining table could be another mentor to me, having more years of experience in the business that I had on this planet, and yet. Yet, the one I gravitated towards like a magnet was the one person who hadn't made it. As much as I loved these people, they would never compare, and they would never be him, regardless of how much Chase looked up to Stephen or how often he choked on his drink at the mere sight of my father. "Let us know if there's anything we can do." She gently smiled at me, her lipstick cracking slightly right in the center of her lips. "I still can't believe you're graduating in just a few months. Seems like it was just yesterday that you got your acceptance letter."