Gaslighter

05

CHAPTER FIVE

▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬

2021

          Naturally, Ingrid knew all about the lecture as soon as it ended. She bombarded our phones with text messages, flooding our group chats across various social media platforms because we hadn't replied to the original texts, and I wasn't sure what to tell her. Being around Savannah when she was this upset did nothing to ease my guilt.

          I hadn't even bothered asking Chase about Savannah; I just knew I wanted her out, far from my relationship so she wouldn't ruin it. Maybe he liked her as a student more than he liked me. Maybe she'd be a much better fit for his advising program than I was. Maybe I had just screwed her over for no reason and wanted to come up with excuses to not feel as bad as I currently did. Looking back on my conversation with him, I could barely recognize myself; why in the world had I said those things about my best friend?

          Ingrid demanded, besides immediate attention, a girl's night. I already had plans with Chase, for the first time in what seemed like an eternity, instead of spending the entire day waiting for him to text me and decide he wanted to see me after all. This felt almost like an emergency, with Savannah straight up hyperventilating in the bathroom (coincidentally, the one where I'd met Ingrid, all those years ago), and, regardless of how much I hated to blow Chase off, my friend needed me.

          Seeing her burst through the bathroom was a breath of fresh air. Her floral perfume quickly overpowered the poignant smell of disinfectant and, even though she was fuming, I still felt strangely glad to see her. Probably because she was more detached from my personal life and a film degree than Savannah was; at the same time, she was also more inquisitive, more introspective.

          She was a liability to the plan. I needed to stay on her good side to ensure she wouldn't pry too much, learn too much, reveal too much.

          "We'll stay in tonight, open the wine," Ingrid suggested, throwing her hair back over her shoulder in that way only she knew how to, and returned to gently patting Savannah's face with a paper tissue. The ones she'd thrown out were wet, smudged with mascara and foundation. "I'm actually not sure if there's any wine left in the apartment, but I can hook us up."

          I had no doubt in the world she could. If there was anyone in the world who could 'hook us up' with anything, anytime, and, though I had no idea how she managed to do it, it was always something we could count on her for. I knew that, as soon as we went back to our apartment, there would be bottles of wine waiting for us, along with charcuterie boards.

          Any other day, in any other reality, I'd be super down. I'd be excited, even. However, I couldn't treat Chase like that, like some guy I could afford the luxury of blowing off or even losing, knowing damn well how much he was risking just to spend some extra time with me outside of campus. I didn't know when I'd get another chance like this.

          She must have sensed my ambivalence, since she straightened, then turned to me.

          "Don't even think about bailing on us," Ingrid said. "We barely see you as is. Can't you just hang out with us once? For Savannah's sake?"

          "Ingrid, it's fine," Savannah muttered, even though all of us knew Ingrid was right, deep down. It wasn't fair for them to never get to see me, but it wasn't fair that I had to choose. I couldn't explain why I couldn't be there without running the risk of ruining Chase's entire career and our relationship, not even to the two people closest to me, and it felt like I was twisting knives into their backs with every lie that slipped from my tongue. "I'm fine. We don't have to do anything. I just want to get through the rest of the day, then go to bed. Get some ice cream and—"