Gaslighter

27

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

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2022

          "Happy birthday, bestie!"

          By the time August rolled around, I would've been friends with Savannah for four years, and I still had to get used to being called bestie by her. The nickname didn't feel nearly as condescending as Penny, to be fair, but sometimes I wondered what it would take for her to call me by my actual name without making me feel as though I was being lectured or even by the nickname I highly preferred. It would be as easy as walking up to me and addressing me as Penn, but I was self-aware enough to know I was being unreasonable about the whole ordeal. The last thing I needed was for someone else to point out I was being overly dramatic over being upset, like my feelings didn't matter, and I'd learned it was best to keep those things to myself.

          "Thanks, Sav," I murmured, slumping into one of the high stools in the kitchen.

          I barely spent any time there when I was in the apartment, finding it much more comforting to retreat into my bedroom and lock the door, but I also knew I couldn't avoid the girls forever. Even if it was considerably easier to run away from Ingrid on campus, Savannah and I still took all the same classes, and this was a communal area. I was running out of excuses to avoid them, even though the mere thought of spending more than ten minutes at a time with either of them made my skin break out in hives, and my heart couldn't take any more anxious tension.

          Guilt settled in fast, made even worse when she slid a plate of whole wheat pancakes, covered in chocolate syrup, and walked around the counter to give me an awkward hug, complete with a kiss to the temple. No one ever did things like that for me anymore, as I'd been effectively shutting down every attempt my parents made to reach out to me, consumed by the nagging fear they knew about me and Chase, so I didn't even know how to feel grateful for that gesture. It was a terrible thing to do and I knew that, and everything in me ached for parental comfort provided by the two people who had always had my back and loved me unconditionally, along with my grandparents, but it was yet another sacrifice.

          I imagined it was the same with Chase, but, even if he, too, had to keep his parents at bay, he had friends—adult, successful friends—that he couldn't be fully honest with, as he'd reminded me countless times before. He'd done so to help me stay grounded in reality instead of living in a fantasy world where everything was perfect as long as I believed our secret moments in private, quiet rooms made it all disappear. The hardships mattered, and there had been a point in recent time when I thought they were building us up, strengthening us for what was still to come, but I was finding it more draining every day to stay optimistic. Chase was tired, too, and I could feel it, but all the strength left in me hung on to the sliver of hope that I wasn't what he was tired of; it was just the circumstances and all the goddamn waiting.

          Sometimes hardships were just that—terrible and hard. They didn't have to make anyone stronger, and I didn't want to see everything as a learning opportunity when it had nothing to do with patience. I was too anxious, too neurotic of a person to ever allow myself to go with the flow, to sit and wait for better days; I spent most of the time terrified of the worst-case scenario, twisting words and narratives until they fit my negative predictions.

          "So, I have to tell you something," Savannah continued, sliding to the empty seat next to mine. A dull sound coming from the hallway informed me Ingrid was awake now, headed off towards the bathroom, and hadn't even bothered to wish me a happy birthday beforehand. "Please don't be mad, but we kind of felt like throwing a house party, a small get-together."