1814

sixteen

James's POV:

I hadn't slept well the past few nights, i couldn't stop thinking about that lunch. About her and the things we said to each other that had much more of a deeper meaning than the actual words that came out of our mouths. And even though what she said to me by the tree was far worse, i couldn't help but feel heavy guilt from the way i completely embarrassed and belittled her infront of everyone. I wish i didn't feel the way i do because if anything she deserved it, to be put in her place and taught a lesson was the best thing i could have done for her. but that wasn't my intention either! this is so difficult. evrything i do for her turns out to be benificial on her side because of the way i feel about her!

all i needed to do was stay away from her, and i was going to take the lunch we had a few days ago as a goodbye. a final round of diana vs james and just leave it there. my main focus right now needed to be seeing Letitia, i hadn't spoken to her in ages and i owed it to her to tell the truth. my plan was to tell her everything with diana...apart from the kiss...but then try and convince her to forgive me. i understand it's not going to be easy, but i would do anyting to make sure that i can be with her always. i couldn't lie to her for the rest of our lives, that wouldn't be fair on her or me.

 I got ready and headed for our front door but was stopped by my mothers voice. "James, darling, your father would like to see you briefly." she said softly, holding her own hands. i understood and took of my hat and gloves before going back upstairs and into his chamber.

He lay on his bed, nightwear still on and coughing into a tissue. I went over to the side he lay on and sat down on the edge of the bed. He smiled at me and put his hand on mine. "dear boy, your mother worries too much, you must tell her that i am going to be fine and that she has nothing to worry about. and as for you, you musn't worry either, or let my illness effect you in any way." he said in a low husky voice from his clogged airway, he gripped by hand tighter, "you will be the duke of kent very soon son, and there is no one i would have thought better for the job than you. don't let anyone ever get under your skin, youre a Prenbrooke and you are strong, just like me and your grandfather-" he was interrupted by his own cough. "i will reassure mother and tell her tp calm down, but father i will never stop worrying for you. how could a man with a father like you not worry at the thought of losing them." I said trying to fight back tears.

he coughed even louder and it only seemed to be getting worse for him, i decided to let him rest and try to take my mind off yet another thing. i hoped that Letitia could be a strong enough power for that. I left his room to come face to face with a clearly scared mother at the bottom of the stairwell. i followed the stairs down and held her hands in mine, "everything is going to be fine mother, do not let your thoughts daunt you." i encouraged her before kissing her on the forehead and leaving our house.

I took my horse from its stable and rode all the way to Letitia's house. I knew it was a big risk considering her family may have been inside, but i was going to do it for her.

"James?" i heard her voice from behind me. i turned around and saw her standing with a basket of apples. I quickly got off of my horse and walked up to her. she suddenly took my arm and placed me out of sight of all the windows at the front of the house. "what are you doing?! You could have been seen!" she loudly whispered, moving her hands around. "i- i'm sorry" i stuttered. "well? why are you here?" she asked waiting for a rsponse, and a quick one.

"I needed to tell you something important!" i said, taking my hat off and holding it in my hands. "i-...i-" i stuttered and watched her stand there eyes widened and hand hands on hip.

"i cannot marry you"

i blurted. it seems my heart has taken over my brain and it decided i needed to say what i'd felt for a while. i didn't love Letitia anymore, not the way i did before, and the fact that i doubted it in the first place was more than enough of a reason to not continue our lives together. i tried telling myself that if i was with someone that i once felt something for, than maybe i could have fulfillment from marrying them. i couldn't. like i said...that wouldn't be fair to me or her.

Letitia took a few steps backwards while her eyes fluttered from trying to conceal her sadness being presented through welling eyes. she looked at me.

"i knew, and i think i may have known since the first time i saw you look at her. at first i thought that it may have been jealousy making me think such... ridiculous thoughts, but with time i could see the passion growing between the two of you. your dances, your walks, even the way you spoke to her, and i think a part of me longed for that kind of growth between the two us, however it never came, as much as i wanted it to. when diana's name was mentioned your eyes would light up, and you stopped making love to me the way you did before. im not saying that you love diana, i just... know that you dont love me. you havent loved me for a long time." she spoke softly tears going down her cheeks, but not too many that i couldn't understand what she was saying. "i think just hearing you say the words made it seem more real." she added, wiping them off her face.

"I could've meant anything by 'i cannot marry you'." i told her. she looked at me and smiled, " i know, but i also know you James, and youre not exactly the type of person to say that and then finish it with 'because i love you too much, and i think we should break all the laws of normalised society and instead live a free willed and happy life openly'" she chuckled and i did to. she stroked my face "we both deserve to be happy, but that won't be with each other. Goodbye James Penbrooke, duke of kent, and former owner of my heart" Letitia told me, letting go and picking up her basket again before entering her house.

I stood there and contemplated things for a while before putting my hat on again, as if it represented something new, and went back to my horse. It seemed Letitia had dropped one of apples, so i picked it up and fed it to my horse while stroking his face. I decided to spend the rest of the day riding.

Riding through fields, villages, beaches and parks. i watched the sun and my shadow changing throughout the day and stopped every now and then to take in a view that had caught my eye. I did it because i realised that the only way to stop thinking about things, was to think about them. Before i knew it, the sun was setting and i needed to go back home, so i did and took in the whole journey i just had again. 

When i arrived home my mother stood outside the house, drained. I got off my horse and ran up to her as quickly as i could. "mother, what is it?" i asked, turning her attention to me and holding her hands in mine. "Y-y...your father... he- he's... dead." she replied, her hands trembled and she could barely get any of the words out. I had no time to think for myself so i immediately pulled her head into my cheast as a sign of support. She screamed into my chest, and held onto my shoulders before bringing me down to the floor with her. Her pain caused me so much more and my vision became blurry, mostly from shock and the fact that i'd never seen my mother so distraught.

We stayed there like that and i watched my fathers body being taken out of the house and into a carriage. I saw it ride off, leaving me heartbroken that i didn't get to say goodbye to him properly or see him one last time. However, his dying wishes were for me to look after my mother and that's exactly what i did. It was all i could do.

I heard the voice of the head butler of our house behind me. "your grace, we will prepare your chamber." he said before leaving. It was only now that i had realised...

...I was the Duke of Kent.