1814

eighteen

I woke up the next morning feeling better than i had in a while. I got out of bed, listened to Claire and got dressed before going downstairs to join my family in the parlour. When i sat down, i could sense and awkwardness around the table, subtle exchanges in the eyes were being passed round, including Matilda.

"Good morning." I said inquisitively, my eyes slightly squinted. Silence passed before Francis decided to take the reins, "good morning Diana, did you sleep well?" he asked, putting his paper down. "...yes. What's going on?" I replied, giving into the tension. My mother sighed heavily, "darling, it's the end of the season." She announced. It was the end of the season, and no one had proposed to me, not even Daniel. "you have until tonight my love." she added, cracking into her boiled egg. I felt embarrassed, and it was like i had felt my confidence fall off a shelf. I sat there sadly drinking my tea, until one by one everyone had left to get on with their day.

If i didn't get proposed to this season, i'd have to wait until next year. I knew that that would kill my mother though, so i wouldn't be surprised if she was disappointed in me. i didn't understand because Daniel knew the season was coming to an end, so why didn't he just propose. It's pretty simple in all honesty, and i was preparing myself for spending the rest of my life with him. As much as it may not have been the life i would've choose if i actually had control over my own future, but i was still ready, and i was open to learning to love. He might have just not liked me, or thought of me as his wife. It seemed that i had set there isolated at the end of the table for an hour drowning in my own pity. ugh, i hate me.

Its times like these when i wish i could just go to school and see my friends and then return home to lasagna or some stupid shit like that. it sounds cheesy but when you've been stuck in the 19th century for almost half a year, you start to miss the little things.

James and Letitia had probably ran off by now, married. I wouldn't be surprised if she was pregnant, he loved her... so much. A tear ran down my cheek, slowly onto my chin and back down my neck. He was gone forever, how could i let myself long for someone this much. It's ridiculous and predictable for the girl to love the man who's in love with someone else.

JESUS I WOULD SELL MY SOUL FOR A LAPTOP AND A NETFLIX SUBSCRIPTION RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

just breathe Diana.

i wiped the tear from my now wet neck, and decided to go on a walk. I grabbed my shawl collar and horse before heading towards the town square to ride for a bit. Once i'd gotten there i stuck to the road, only trotting slowly, and when i came across the market i got off the saddle and took her around only by the reins. I thought i'd by some milk, bread and cheese for my family alon with some apples and other fruits. i was feeling generous so i turned to Violet (the horse) and put the apple on the flat of my palm. "Would you like this apple Violet?" I asked smiling at her and stroking the long of her face. She gave a small neigh in return so i let her have it, smiling even more while she ate it. When i looked slightly over her head i saw him. Just standing there, watching me with his hat in hand. Once he realised he had my attention he cocked his head slightly, signalling for me to go over to him.

I pulled Violet along with me and tide her up to a pole, before coming face to face with... James. "your grace, i thought you might have left as it is the end of the season." I blurted, trying to be polite as possible considering we weren't ver close anynmore. He looked guiltily at me, "no, no i have stopped things with Miss Montgomery." he told me, looking around a bit. He stopped talking. "Mr Penbrooke, you called me over here." I reminded him, bringing him out of his trance. "right, yes sorry." he said.

"Diana my father is dead, i'm the duke of kent." he said, and i widened my eyes. My initial though would have been to hug him, but that wasn't really an option for us anymore. "James i'm so sorry" i said to him, looking directly into his eyes to show a sense of genuine affection. "no need honestly miss Haywood. I... I need a wife, and, and you are the only woman i've spoken to this season." he added, looking back at me. I was so lost in his eyes that i didn't think too much into what he was saying. "and unless Mr Fitzwilliam has asked you the same, i'm not entirely sure you're in a position to decline." I looked at him for a second completely clueless, "decline what?" I asked. "my proposal of marriage Diana." he said abruptly.

I was so stunned that words couldn't even come out of my mouth, i stood there mouth agape and eyes wide. We aren't like we used to be, we're awkward and not as funny. He doesn't look at me the same as he did before and i tried not to stare at him for too long. However he was right, i needed to say yes, for mine and my families sake.

i let out a sigh, before looking at him again. "I will marry you James." I answered, there was no smile on my face mainly because i knew that marrying me is the last thing he wanted to do. I couldn't even imagine the perwson i hated most in this world being a last resort and then actually having to resort to that. ew.

"you will?" he asked. "i will." i answered, pushing a small smile through the sadness. "I will have the wedding set for a weeks time, i know that's not much time but i don't really have that." he got back on his horse but stopped beside me. "thank you Diana, i know this wasn't ideal." he added before riding away. 'wasn't ideal'? i thought it 'wasn't ideal' for him. and holy shit, a week? If theres's one thing i know about James, it's that he didn't like marriage, so of course he'd want it quick and small. I didn't mind though, i don't really have anything left to loose anymore anyway.

When i returned home, my family were clearly waiting for me on the sofas of the living room. I walked in and saw there desperate little faces, before realising. "you knew." i accused standing in the centre. Francis stood up, "well of course he had to ask me, and then mother overheard and the news then seemed to have spread throughout the family." he defended himself, before sitting back down again. "I was only gone for an hour!" i exclaimed, but he only shrugged in return. "well anyway, i said yes to him." i added, looking at my mum in particular. I could almost see the excited and proud energy radiating from her, and i think i also heard a small squeal. "I have a week mother, and only you lot will be attending on my side. Understood?" I told them confidently. They all nodded, and they were also all very obviously about to burst from excitement so i left to let them have their fun.

I crashed through the doors of my room and lay back on my bed looking up at the ceiling. I was getting married. to james, james penbrooke. the right side of my mouth curled up at the thought of being with him, and having to stay with him forever. However it soon after kicked in that i was only really a benefit, he needed a wife for an heir and a good reputation. Things were never going to be the same.

I needed to understand that, as his wife.