The Art of Being a F*ck Up

31. Hero

Now that we're alone I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do. Maddy dredged up every ugly thing that I had buried down for Jonah to see, and when the damage was good and done she left me alone to deal with it—to deal with Jonah. He still hasn't said a word, I don't think he can. I can see plainly enough that he's angry and heartbroken and so confused, but mostly he's just speechless. He looks at me like he thinks I'll say something that'll make all of this okay, that'll make some kind of sense out of this nightmare, but it's all I can do to keep from crying when I'm feeling all the same things he is. And I can't break down, not like this, so I just stand there shaking before he can finally find it in himself to speak.

"Tell me this isn't happening." Jonah addresses the dead air directly ahead of him, and I can't be sure if the tremulous words filled with such disgust are meant for me. But then he looks directly my way, "tell me you wouldn't actually do this to me, any of it. How much of what she said is true?"

"Jonah," it sounds so unemotional and I hate it. I hate that I can't think quickly enough to come up with an answer that will stop him from looking at me like he is. A master of deception, yet I've run out of those little white lies to tell as I just shake my head. That's the one answer he won't accept, and his lip curls into a snarl before he steps forward.

"Don't lie to me!" There will be grief later, so much of it, but for just this moment all he has is that fiery anger I've known so well in him. "I'm so done with being lied to when I have done nothing but be there for you. You should have come to me if it was so bad—you should have trusted me enough to tell me the truth! But instead you go behind my back and delete my emails, you take away my one chance to do something meaningful that I'm passionate about. Then I had to hear from Devin all about what's been going on with your dad, and now I find out about this—about Madison—so I want to know how much of it's true!"

"Let's not pretend like you're the victim here. What do you want me to say, huh?" I'm supposed to be the bad guy, the villain, I shouldn't get to be righteous, but the way he tries to twist everything just makes me mad. How do I get him to see that none of this was designed to hurt him? I guess it doesn't really matter what the reasons are though, they'll never be good enough. They never are. "You want me to say I fucked up? You want me say that I got Maddy pregnant once and that I accidently kissed her the other night? I don't know what happened after that, I really don't, okay? Maybe I wouldn't have drank so much if you'd actually responded to at least one of my goddamn texts!"

"Don't you dare put this on me, do you not get what you've done? You fucking cheated on me! And you think, what, that it somehow excuses it because you were drunk? No!" Jonah seethes, unwilling to see it from any other side than his own. I know that all of this is so messed up, but can he really not see his part in it? "Everything we've been through, all of it, you would just throw it away like that? All I wanted was for you to talk to me, but it seems like the only thing you know how to do lately is drink."

"You want to talk? Fine, but let's not kid ourselves—how have you been there for me? Seriously? Any time I tried talking to you about Bill you just blew it off like you didn't give a shit, so why would I think it'd be any different with my dad or Maddy?" I speak through clenched teeth, knowing that I shouldn't hurt him any more than I already have. But it's like the dam breaking, the weight of the world crashing down, and I can't stop it. "You changed, Jonah. Maybe it was after I busted my knee, or like my dad said, maybe you just realized what a pathetic fucking mess I am, but you stopped being the same with me!"

"Jesus, I'm so tired of hearing about your dad! I didn't change, you just couldn't stand the thought that my whole universe doesn't revolve around you, so instead of having the balls to be honest with me you just sabotaged something you knew I wanted! And then you call that love? Even you know better, I think that's the real reason you can't seem to stay sober for more than a day."