Rebel Rebel

Chapter 10

So I guess now you have a good idea of the different aspects of my life. I can't say it's that bad, but it isn't that great. I loved my brother, tolerated my parents, and adored my best friends and bandmates.

I knew, in some ways, I was fortunate. Other ways, not quite so much. But even then, looking around me, I couldn't help but see so much was oh so very wrong. And not just with my family, or the church, but school...our society...the world at large. And I didn't like it. At all. And I had no idea what to do about it.

So that's where my music came in. It was all I had. Not just to get through, but to express myself. It was the only way I had to talk about the world and make any sense of it. The girls all got that. I mean maybe we didn't always all see everything the same all the time, we did however, all agree on how to do something about it, or at least how we could handle it.

We've all been talking about the band and going to college in at least the same city, if not the same school. I was looking at schools in Chicago, NYC, LA, Boston, Orlando, even Indianapolis, as a last resort. Between my loves of music, writing, and French, I'd figure out something to major in.

I was fortunate my dad was able to pay for my college. I mean, I planned on still having a part time job somewhere. Maybe another coffee shop, or a bookstore, or a music shop. Who knows? I didn't want my dad paying for my leisure as well as my education and necessities.

I had been applying for colleges all summer, and my SAT scores were good. I got a 1350 and my GPA was decent (3.2...damn math and science classes). I could pick and choose where I wanted to go. I wasn't Ivy Leageu material, but that's ok. I don't think the Ivy League would get me where I wanted to go. As long as I got into a credible school with a decent program, I'd be happy.

That and keep the band going. As long as I had those 2 things, I'd be happy.

I wasn't sure what I'd do if the band didn't work out. I guess I was so set on the band working, I didn't consider much else. Probably wasn't a good thing to admit. Ah well, it was only the beginning of Senior year, and I hadn't gotten any acceptance letters yet, anywhere. I think everyone knew I was pulling for Chicago. I'd applied to several schools in the area, more than in any other part of the country. I even applied to the local university as a "last resort." They accepted everybody. Besides, the application cost was a non-issue, so I put out as many applications as I could manage. Neither mom nor dad seemed to mind.

Dad wanted me to go where he and mom had met, Ball State, down in Muncie. I mean, it's a good school. They're KNOWN for their jazz program, but that part of Indiana wasn't much better than where I lived currently. My top college choice was Columbia College in Chicago. I definitely wanted to study music, but I heard they had a good journalism program too. That sounded like a good fall back, and another way I can call out the system. That was all the more reason I needed to pursue a field of study.

I think dad supported my goals so much so he could live vicariously, through me. It was kind of weird...but mostly harmless. I think mom wanted me to find an actual relationship...maybe even get married. Every school she suggested I later found out had a reputation for being where girls went to get their M-R-S Degree. Ok, maybe not all, but several. Apparently, her friends went to some of the same schools. Last I knew, they were all married and pregnant by 21, and their husbands were at least as well off as my dad, if not better. Mom was apparently the only one who finished college and worked for a few years before I was born. She never seemed proud of that, oddly. It was like she had been embarrassed by it.

My parents did back me in wanting an education, even if their attitudes about their own educations were different. I was grateful, especially from my mom, they both agreed I should set and pursue my own goals for my education. I knew kids whose parents were supporting them, only if they were studying something they deemed "worthwhile." Whatever that meant.

I didn't expect the girls to study music. I didn't even expect them to be in the same school as me. I just wanted us to be in the same city so we could still work together, and we had all agreed to that.

I guess this is what they meant by Senioritis. I mean, it wasn't like I had been accepted anywhere yet. And I knew, if I did music, I'd need to audition, but I was already fighting the urge to slack off. It was only a matter of time until I got accepted somewhere. It made it hard to stay motivated. Either way, I was going to do music, or write. It was just a matter of letting things fall into place.

So enough of that. Back to the story.

A few weeks after the night with Alice, and getting kicked out of church (it was temporary, allowing me time to "reflect" whatever that means), life in the Brandenburg household returned to normal. As normal as it could be. Sean and I played too much playstation. Mom and I continued to butt heads. I did my homework in dad's den while we listened to records, and the band rehearsed once a week. It was...normal.

But so much still felt wrong and severely off.

Dad started coming home late. REALLY late some nights. Only kind of late on some, and others he was home at his normal time. Usually he had some excuse like working late or, "drinks with the guys in the office after work" but I never believed it. Dad always brought his extra work home. He and I worked together at night. We always had, since I started school. So why would it change, now?

I really had no idea what to think. A part of me wanted to believe Dad, another part of me had a feeling it was more sinister.

Mom seemed like she didn't care. If she did, she hid it awfully well. More wind, and found things to do around the house. She even stayed out of my hair. It was weird, not bickering every 5 minutes.

School was pretty normal, I guess. Avoid the idiot, do my work, and apply to colleges. Simple, right? Wrong. While senioritis seemed to sink in for everyone else, I was frantic keeping work done, grades up, and rehearsing for a few band concerts. I was trying to gear up and get more concerts for us. No idea if I would be able to manage before Christmas, but I needed to find something.

I guess at this point, life was moving forward. I felt like I had no time at all, and all the time in the world, simultaneously. I was a kid, and an adult (even if I didn't turn 18 for a few more weeks). I had responsibilities, but I was carefree. It was a weird place to be in, but I went with it. I would figure it out soon enough.