I'll be here forever

chapter 34

Life moved on.

Percy changed. He wasn't the same as he was before; he smiled and laughed less often, and occasionally he'd stare off into the distance, glaring at the horizon like he could somehow undo things that had been done. I knew it'd take a long time before he was back to how he used to be, if he ever would be. Some worries eased with time, but some didn't. I understood that.

I tried to forget what had happened down there, so far underground. Sometimes I'd see a flash of it in him when we were fighting something- a moment of anger, a moment when he considered it. There would come that cruel glint in his eye, but as soon as it would come, it would disappear, and he'd be even more determined to send the monster back down to Tartarus. He never went through with it, never did it again. I think he scared himself more than he scared me, which is saying something.

But I refused to stay scared of him. I refused to let my fear dictate how I saw him, especially because I loved him more than life itself.

We still slept together every night. It was the only thing that kept the nightmares at bay; even then, sometimes, it didn't. But we always knew the the other one would be there when we woke up.

As great as it was, that in itself created very, very awkward mornings. Percy usually stayed in relatively the same spot while sleeping, but I moved everywhere. It was a little embarrassing, but he said he didn't mind. I wondered if he enjoyed waking up in each other's arms as much as I did.

We grew closer than ever.

There were times that maybe, just maybe, I thought that he might feel the same for me that I did about him. I couldn't help but wonder; does just a glance from me make his heart race, like it does mine? When our hands brush against each other as we walk together on the sidewalk, does it make him lightheaded, like it does for me? When he sees me sleeping next to him, does he feel honored to share that rare moment of complete vulnerability and trust with me, like I do? Does the very thought of me make his stomach tie itself into knots, like mine does?

I wanted every part of him, every part he could give. I wanted to share every moment, every smile, every fear. I wanted to be the one he thought about at night, and the one he woke up with in the mornings. I wanted everything he had, and I wanted everything we could be.

It killed me to not be completely honest with him. It killed me to not be with him. But our friendship was such a thin line between friends and something more, that I didn't know which one we were anymore. I was scared to try and figure it out, for fear of ruining what we already have. So I left it alone, and skirted around my feelings, leaving them for another day.