𝗰𝗵𝗮𝘀𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂

she ain't me

☽ ☀︎︎ ☽ ☀︎︎ ☽ ☀︎︎ ☽ ☀︎︎ ☽ ☀︎︎ ☽ ☀︎︎ ☽ ☀︎︎ ☽ ☀︎︎ ☽

strained, i've tried to stay as far away from the coast as i could, but my mind needed the refresh so desperately that no matter how hard i tried.
i couldn't let go of it. once, maybe twice, a lot more than that, we'd come here. laughed, kissed, ranted, solved coupley issues. it was one of the only places i would allow PDA. mainly because it was deserted, no one came. if i wanted to be cliche and sappy i'd tell you it was our place.
i told myself that if something happened i would never come back, that's why i didn't want a 'spot just for us'.

as i sadly watched the water slash onto the rocks. my attention was caught on a kid, flinching when a seagull landed close to his left side. my gaze stayed in the familiar character for a moment to long, he must have felt me watching him so he turned to face me.
it was only then that it registered, who in fact i was starring at, and it made perfect sense why i had found them so interesting.
my mind raced with questions but i didn't ask any. he seemed relaxed when the water hit his feet, toes curling into the sand.

he waved at me when i walked over towards him.
"hey."
"hi."
the fact he spoke to me as a stranger was heart wrenching but i kept it inside.
for a moment nothing happened, his hands hid into his pockets.
"what're- what're you doing here?"
he seemed caught of guard at the question, not quite knowing how to answer.
"to be completely honest, and, i don't know why i telling you this, i don't actually know."
"oh?"
"yea- my feet just kind of took me here."
we stayed silent for a moment or two.

"i'm sorry- that doesn't actually make sense."
"don't apologies, you do it too often."
his head tilts to the side and a sharp exhaled laughter leaves his lips.
"that's exactly what my girlfriend tells me."
"o-oh- ok."
my words come out breathy and light, like a feather falling to the ground.
"are you with anyone?"
"what- no i'm- it's complicated i suppose."
"that's what they all say."
his voice is monotone, scratching the inside of his throat.
"yes. well, he kind of just up and left me, i don't supposedly have many problems with your- your significant other."

he doesn't say anything for awhile and i wonder if what i said was too snappy, too sharp or rude. i just can't help but wonder what's goes down behind closed doors. what he's not telling me, not even a few weeks ago did i know nearly everything about him, we had no secrets, and yet here we are.
i clear my throat, almost to get his attention, he's already lost focus, entirely in his own world. his eyes land in my face for a moment before turning back to look out into the water.

"she's beautiful, kind, we have a good relationship. i wish i could say it was healthy though."
i don't say anything, urging him to carry on.
"i'm not sure why- why i'm telling you this, she's just quite? controlling?"
he looks up at me half smiling to himself.
"does she make you happy?"
he takes my small tone as an opportunity to show me a light, genuine smile. it's the closed thing i've had in awhile to what he used to be.
"sometimes."
it sounds real, solemn and like it was difficult to say.
"she's like they girl who walked right out of my dreams."

still cheesy, i think to myself.
"your a nice guy- well you seem like one."
i shift my weight from one leg to the other slowly.
"do what's best for you, even if, even if i'm the proses to u have to upset some people, don't let an abusive relationship get in the way of your life."
"of she's not abusive."
she was, and i knew she was, i've seen how he comes into school.
"emotional hurt can't also be abuse."
he stifles a sigh and goes back to whatever he was thinking about before, all focus on me lost.

just as i start to walk away i hear, what could easily be music to my ears.
"well- she's not cynical, spends a lot of time with other guys- who knows how many times she's cheated on me. there where times when i couldn't even shower because she was busy hooking up with some side guy in there, i don't mind though- she's perfect, cut straight out of a magazine."
"p- random guy."
we both cringed inwardly before i carried  on.
"perfect ain't as perfect as it seems."
"no, no it isn't."
he smiled at me once more, a low and gentle gesture.

"i'll be in my way- nice- nice talking to you."
"you too. sorry for just talking about myself and my broken relationship."
"broken?"
the word stuck out and peter visibly wished he hand the said it. i also cringed again for the second time in five minutes because, i couldn't have just left it at that?
"it's fine- don't worry. you should try and get your live life back online, besides, what's a pretty girl like you doing single- or in a so called, 'complicated' relationship."
the world stopped turning for a good twenty seconds before i reconnected with reality.

"you send all this time taking about this girlfriend, then start flirting with some girl you met in the middle of nowhere."
"i think we're both aware that relationships dead, maybe this is fate?"
everything hurts, this isn't how it's supposed to go. what was happening?!
"i-
"sorry, this is so stupid, i don't even know your name, and i'm not sin- yea i'm sorry i don't even know what's happening anymore. just- just pretend this never happened."
and just as quickly the chance had come, it was taken away in less than a split second.

i left without another word, there was nothing to say anyways. what more could i possibly want. i was making a fool out of myself. he wasn't even going to remember any of this interaction by tomorrow. i left as quickly as i came and managed to catch the next bus back to new york. why had i come here? what good could i possibly have gotten out of this. i rest my head against my arm, propped up against the vibrating window. thinking of how i'd go to ned's and vent, which i've been doing lots lately.

.

.

.

.

.