Wonderful title, am I right?
Summary: A satirical bashing fic from Ron's point of view
Ship(s): mentioned Harry/Draco
IMPORTANT: This is not portrayed in a positive light.
Additional notes: extremely out of character (except for Ron); Harry and Hermione bashing(?)*
*This fic is meant to be satirical, so I'm not sure if it's really bashing.
"Do you ever stop eating?" Harry asked, watching Ron load his plate with food.
Ron paused and looked around. Everybody was loading their plates with food. "It's lunchtime," he said slowly.
"But you don't have to eat like a pig." Harry turned away in disgust and began eating... in a very careful way.
Ron just stared. For one thing, Harry had never spoken out about the way Ron ate. Secondly, since when did he eat so delicately?
Hermione came running in from what Ron assumed to be the library. She filled a plate and hurriedly began eating. Harry didn't even look at her. That was odd; surely, if Ron's eating habits had suddenly started bothering Harry, then Hermione shoveling through her meal would earn her a nasty comment, too.
"Have you noticed how quiet Malfoy's been?" Ron asked, trying to get Harry back to normal.
Harry's head shot up, an indiscernible expression on his face. "What about Dra — Malfoy?"
Ron's eyebrows shot upward. Did he just almost use Malfoy's first name? He looked at Hermione, who had a calculating look in her eyes. Good. Ron hadn't been dreaming, then.
"Yes," she said slowly. "Malfoy's been neglecting his duties."
"Oh." Harry looked over at the Slytherin table. Ron followed his gaze to see Malfoy turn and lock eyes with Harry's. Then, quite abruptly, he stood and stalked out of the Great Hall without a backwards glance.
Harry followed him with his gaze before wrenching his gaze away before anyone — besides Ron — could notice. "I'm not hungry," he muttered.
"Are you sure?" Ron asked, eyeing his plate. He had barely touched his food.
For some reason, Harry looked annoyed. "Fine." He shoved his plate toward Ron and stormed off.
What the hell was going on? Ron turned to Hermione, hoping for some insight on their friendship strange behavior. "What's wrong with him?"
Her expression was one of pity. "Oh, don't you know?"
Ron raised an eyebrow. "Not really."
Hermione rolled her eyes, but she didn't elaborate. Well, that wasn't unusual for her. Ron turned his attention back to his plate.
If Ron didn't know any better, he'd say Harry was growing fond of Draco Malfoy. But that was impossible; Malfoy had always treated them like shit.
It was the little things he noticed, though. Like how forced Malfoy sounded when he was making a scathing remark to Harry and how Harry's responses lacked any real sting. And Hermione's all-knowing looks to Harry while acting as though Ron was too thick to tell something was off.
One day, as Ron was coming down the stairs, Harry burst into view, his robes soaked with blood. He demanded for Ron's Potions book, which Ron handed over in bewilderment.
It didn't take long for him to hear what had happened.
"He tried to —" he began, thunderstruck.
"Yes," said Harry, but he didn't sound as furious. Perhaps it was shock at having nearly killed Malfoy.
"I can't believe... That little —" And then Ron went into a rant about how twisted Malfoy must be, his vision red. An Unforgivable. He had almost cast an Unforgivable on his best friend. If Ron could, he would've punched that git into a pulp and —
"RON, WILL YOU SHUT UP!" Harry bellowed.
Ron fell silent, his mouth hanging open. He took in Harry's expression. Now there was anger, but it was directed at him. "I — what?"
"Just shut up. You don't understand what Draco's going through."
"Draco?" Ron repeated. "Since when did you call him by his first name?"
"For nearly two months," Hermione spoke up, her eyes narrowed. At Ron.
Ron frowned. He couldn't recall Harry ever using Malfoy's first name.
"Oh, forget it," Hermione snapped. "He's too thick to notice a thing."
Ron opened and closed his mouth. "What are you talking about? Why have you been acting so weird about Malfoy?"
Harry squared his shoulders and looked Ron directly in the face. "Because I'm in love with him."
There was a moment where this declaration sank in. Then Ron burst out laughing. "That's a good one, Harry! But really, what's going... on?" For Harry's face had not changed a bit.
"I knew you'd act like this," he muttered, his face shadowed. He stood and walked to his dorm, his shoulders slumped in defeat.
Ron blinked. "Hermione, did you hear what he said?" He looked at her, but she was glaring at him.
"Why must you be so tactless?" she snapped. "Is it because Malfoy's a boy?"
"No, it's because it's Malfoy," Ron began, but Hermione plunged on as if she hadn't heard.
"The wizarding world is so backwards!" she exclaimed. "I'm so glad Fred and George at least understand."
"They tried to beat Malfoy into a pulp last year," Ron pointed out.
"Malfoy's changed, Ron. He's under a lot of pressure because of Voldemort — oh, stop flinching! — and his father treats him so horribly!"
"He gave the entire Slytherin team broomsticks..."
"I just can't believe you're so shallow!" Hermione shouted and took off after Harry.
Ron opened and closed his mouth. "What the hell?"
Since when did his life become so weird?!
To answer your question, Ron: Since I decided to write this fic.
It's been an extremely long time since I've read Drarry (and yes, at one point, I shipped it), but from what I remember, Ron was often portrayed as oblivious, overly jealous, homophobic, or a combination of the above and then some. Sometimes, he learned the "errors of his ways" (or whatever), but other times he remained a villain.
This may turn into a mini-series where I have one or two characters with their canon... well, you know, characterization, while they have to deal with those that aren't. We'll see.
