Summary: Tom tells Harry a little fact about the name Voldemort and immediately regrets it
Ship(s): Harry Potter/Tom Riddle
Warnings: none known
Additional notes: this is pure crack, nothing remotely serious; canon, who's she? Never heard of her
Word count: 641
"Hey, Tom, I have a question for you."
"Hm?"
"What kind of name is Voldemort?" Harry said.
Tom paused, looking at Harry in confusion. "Pardon?"
"I mean, it just sounds weird. Does it mean anything or is it just a bunch of fancy letters put together?"
"It's French for 'Flight of Death,'" Tom informed him. "And the 't' is supposed to be silent."
Harry considered this. "So it's pronounced Vold-e-more?"
"Yes."
"Hm." Harry looked intrigued. "Sounds interesting. Thanks, Om."
"You're welc — wait." Tom whipped around. "What did you call me?"
Harry looked at him like he had grown another head (well, there was that first year with Quirrell, but aside from that). "Your name. It's Om, isn't it? Om Riddle?"
Tom opened his mouth to say something, then closed it with an audible snap and turned his attention back to his book. If he didn't react, Harry would stop.
Harry did not stop.
"Good morning, Om," he said cheerfully the next morning.
Tom grunted in response.
Harry leaned against his lover. "Whatcha making for breakfast?"
"Omelets."
"Don't you mean omele?" Harry asked cheekily.
"No, I do not."
To make matters worse, Harry's friends found out about it.
"We're running low on ink," Harry said. "Come on, Om. To Scribbulus!"
"What did he just call you?" Hermione asked as Harry skipped away.
"I told him the 't' in Voldemort was silent, and now he's applying that to any word with that letter in it."
"Tough luck, mate," Ron said, sounding distracted as he looked across at the Quidditch shop.
"Thanks, Weasley," Tom said sarcastically.
"You better get going, Om, or he'll get impatient," Ginny added.
Tom glared at her, but Ginny merely smiled. Great, Tom thought as he went after Harry, now there's two of them.
Two became three when Harry went to Grimmauld Place to visit his godfathers the next day.
"So, anything interesting going on?" Sirius asked, eager as always for details that were most certainly not his business.
"With me and Om here?" Harry said. "Not really."
Once again, Tom explained why Harry was calling him that and predictably, Sirius thought that was funny.
"Real mature, Black," he drawled as Sirius laughed. His dark eyes shot over to Remus, who was failing to contain a smile of his own. "Oh, don't start!"
"Sorry, Om," Sirius said.
"It'll pass," Remus said, patting his shoulder. "Why don't you go sit down? Kreacher will cook something up for you."
A few minutes later, they were all sitting down at the table.
"Pass me the sal?" Sirius said.
Tom glared at him but did not move the salt over.
"Don't be mean, Om," Harry said.
Tom wanted to scream.
To Tom's immense relief, Harry seemed to grow tired of it by the end of the week.
"Hey, Tom, I have a question for you."
After what happened the last time he had a question, Tom should have been more cautious, but he focused on something else instead.
"You used my name correctly."
Harry waved a hand dismissively. "Yeah, yeah. Now my question. Your full name of Tom Marvolo Riddle spells out 'I am Lord Voldemort,' correct?"
"Yes." Tom had no idea where this was going.
"Well, I was talking to the twins —"
That should have been his first clue.
"— and they found something interesting. Want to see?"
He should have said no. Tom wished he had said no.
"Sure?"
Harry took out his wand and spelled out Tom Marvolo Riddle. With an elegant flick of his wrist that he learned from Tom, the letters rearranged themselves to —
Tom gaped in horror.
Mr. Tom a dildo lover.
This time, Tom did scream.
"POTTER!"
But Harry had already disappeared through the Floo and was now safely situated at Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes, laughing his ass off with the twins as he high-fived them.
I only just realized Harry exudes the same crackhead energy as in ALHS, which was not intentional at all; I wrote this around the time I started writing that fic when it was more serious
This and the above mentioned fic are most likely the only times I will ever write for this ship, so don't expect to see it crop up in the future.
